I Want To Know Why I Was Raped

[Healing Reins]

I've been watching shows on criminals and it's making me think about my rapist. ..

I really don't want to write this because I feel stupid writing about this, but

Lately I've been wondering why I was raped three times (Maybe 4 times) (Two of my rapes were done by my ex, within two months so I kind of count that as one. So technically I was raped 3 times, but in my head i count it as only two times...that doesn't really matter though.

I know I've put myself in the situations, and I know I could have probably stopped them...but I just want to know why 2 guys (maybe 3) have done this to me. am I an easy target? Do I have rape me on the top of my forehead and I can't see it? Is it my fault? Why was I raped? like Why was I raped, what made him think it was okay to do that to me. was it because I didn't fight hard enough? Did I give him signals that screamed rape me? Will I ever know the answer?

I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being raped?

I just want to know if anyone else feels like this.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

There is a game of predator-prey, and its stupid.

Statistically speaking, at least from all those non-profits informing me on rape and domestic violence at my school a few years ago. Men rape not for sexual pleasure, but to dominate/feel powerful.

There probably wasn't anything you could have done in all reality.

My psych teacher told me this, and it comes to me innately since I was a child.

Once you get abused often times you show it. Predators, people who rape others, sense this, and they come after people. Other times it is perfectly random. If your going to be too scared to speak up, and they can have their way they go for it.

One girl I know attracts people like this all the time, and she cannot help it. I feel so sorry for her. She has found herself on the best men for herself, but still she seems to attract these people who want to take advantage of others.

I don't judge her, and I am there for her no matter how bad it gets for her. She has talked to me about wanting to commit suicide. It's very sad.

As for being angry, I hope you would be. Deep down, it's a very intense anger that scares me. I am not angry person. After some night terrors I wake up enraged, purely livid. My body is a tight ball of hot, coiled muscles, it is painful.

 

[SeanCharles]

Yet another one of my "Ah ha"s... One of my traumas was a rape by a roommate who I didn't have a say on whether or not he could live in a place shared by my roommates and I. I had suspicions about this individual, but I minded my own business given the other situations involved. (I probably need to clarify this a bit... The other situation was a substance.)

I say Ah ha, because deep within among myselves (DID parts) someone can relate very much, asking the same questions.

My thinking on this is: They can't steal what was already taken previously, even when they think they can because what isn't there isn't there to be taken. If that doesn't make sense, maybe this will: Just because the lights are on, is someone home?

I am not pushing religion here on purpose, but there are lyrics here that kinda answer the why question to a degree...

Why
Sung by Michael Card and John Michael Talbot

Why did it have to be a friend
Who chose to betray the Lord
Why did he use a kiss to show them
That's not what a kiss is for
Only a friend can betray a friend
A stranger has nothing to gain
And only a friend comes close enough
To ever cause so much pain

I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being raped?

Anger is a feeling! Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Abusers abuse without a care of the damage they want satisfaction or gratification. Unfortunately victims are in the wrong place at the right time when abusers are looking for an easy target...prey.

 

[macbeth]

I asked myself that question for a long time as well. Like you I would watch shows about violent criminals to understand why it happened to me. I finally realised the only answer to the question was that he is a psycho or whatever you want to call those people who abuse. It had nothing to do with me. You did nothing wrong.

 

[Healing Reins]

@macbeth there is a lot of guilt though. A lot of guilt. I don't know why though...

 

[Alfred.Greene]

@Healing Reins That is part of the point of having PTSD, so we can find out more about who we are. Why we feel guilt over these things. We are here for you HR

 

[macbeth]

I understand the guilt too. I blamed myself for years for what my ex put me and my kids through. I still struggle with but over time have come to the realization that it is not my fault. I hope you can get there too. In the mean time I will give you a hug;). :hug:

 

[Dee Morris]

I have those thoughts in my head too. It seems like society reinforces the guilt by placing focus on the victims and their lifestyle, clothing etc etc that only serves to deflect blame away from the rapist. I've evaluated every single incident looking for the things I did wrong that could have caused the assaults.

The first time I remember being raped, I was 8 years old but some recent memories make me think that I have blocked out earlier events. As an adult obviously I know that there isn't anything an 8 year old child can do that could be construed as leading someone on. Yet, I still feel guilt. The second time I was 13 and lured into a garage by a neighbor telling me that a boy I liked wanted to talk to me. That boy wasn't there when I walked in and a large group of boys grabbed me, held me down and took turns.

The damaged, guilty part of me says it was my fault for going into the garage. The adult me knows that I was an easy target. Horrible, traumatic life in addition to the earlier assault. So really no wonder that I was so eager for the attention from the boy I thought I was going in to see. By the time the 3rd assault happened at 16, I was already trained to believe that everything that went wrong was my fault. So it didn't matter that I was in my bed asleep and woke up to the family member on top of me. The logical adult knows that I am in no way responsible for the behavior of others. It's the damaged little girl that continuously looks for the "why".

The best thing we can do for ourselves when we start this line of thinking is to remind ourselves that we are not responsible for another person's behavior and searching for the "why" is only creating road blocks in my path to healing. We are searching for an answer that we will never be satisfied with. Honestly, I doubt very much the rapists really know "why".

 

[Meadowsweet]

I know I've put myself in the situations, and I know I could have probably stopped them...but I just want to know why 2 guys (maybe 3) have done this to me. am I an easy target? Do I have rape me on the top of my forehead and I can't see it? Is it my fault?

There is a distinction between 'fault' and 'self-responsibility' that is difficult to grasp, but it can make a big difference when you do.

He was the person that raped you. You didn't have control over him or make that decision for him, so he is 100% responsible for his own choices. However, there are things that make people more vulnerable. HE is still the person that saw a vulnerable person and chose to abuse them. But there are things that we can do to minimise that vulnerability.

There are obvious physical things that create vulnerability, like going home with virtual strangers, being drunk to the extreme, walking home alone in the early hours etc. But then there are more psychological things, for me, that's neediness, dissociation, denial when things look suspicious, low self esteem, and having quite a childish emotional make-up which can make me very trusting (or used to) of people who are being nice to me. This isn't about blaming yourself, it is about recognising your vulnerabilities and taking steps to learn how to make yourself less vulnerable.

 

[silkleaves]

I'll be honest, I'm having a hard time processing the idea that we can make ourselves less vulnerable to this sort of attack. I go through moments where I wonder what I should have done differently, how I could have avoided it, feeling like I must be doing something that it keeps happening to me, that there is something wrong with me. And then I go through moments where I know there are just some sick people in this world.

Children, by their very nature are vulnerable. As adults..through our lives really, to be able to trust anyone we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to them. Because the thing is, in all of my experiences, and a majority of those I've read about, it wasn't in a dark alley or while drunk or with strangers..it was someone close, someone known, someone who knew at least just enough so that it hurt that much more. It's confusing and messes with your head even more to know that someone who you trusted, someone who you thought was in your corner is capable of doing something like that to you.

Granted, I came away with my experiences with the same conclusion to make myself less vulnerable, and in turn trust is something I have very little of, and I keep pretty secluded. No one can hurt me if I don't give anyone the opportunity to get too close to me. Even when with friends I feel alone, and when I'm at home, I feel lonely. It doesn't seem fair that by making myself less vulnerable and keeping my distance, I have to miss out on what other people who have not been through the same experiences get to enjoy.

I've spent the greater part of my life trying to figure out what I did, what I could have done, what I should be doing, what I will do from now on to make sure something like that never happens to me again. So I guess it hits me like a brick, because even though I feel like I will anyway, I hate the idea that I have to live the rest of my life afraid that the people in my life are going to turn on me at any time and I have to stay on guard and be prepared for when it happens. I hate it.

 

[y5L]

@Healing Reins I love that you keep bringing up things I think about all the time but never think to post about. Thanks for bringing it to the forum!

 

[The Albatross]

@Geordie thanks for putting up that video, early when I was recovering I was gifted a John Michael Talbot CD. I had not heard that one and it is apt about betrayal for me, though I have had assaults/rape from both people who "loved" me, were my friend and then the random kind by a stranger.

Why? I don't know and won't ever know with any surety so I don't go there. It happened, and I deal with that... sticking to what I can do to manage.