I Want To Know Why I Was Raped

[Meadowsweet]

Granted, I came away with my experiences with the same conclusion to make myself less vulnerable, and in turn trust is something I have very little of, and I keep pretty secluded. No one can hurt me if I don't give anyone the opportunity to get too close to me.

This has been my reaction too.

I've spent the greater part of my life trying to figure out what I did, what I could have done, what I should be doing, what I will do from now on to make sure something like that never happens to me again.

Discussing this in therapy, I explained to my therapist that I felt I was in danger of it happening again if I started socialising, and I explained why. The therapist agreed with me, but she also reminded me that one of the goals of therapy was to help me deal with my anxiety and develop the skills to change that.

Thinking about what if's are fruitless because you can't go back in time, but finding ways to manage situations in the future can help to reduce anxiety and give you the skills to be more confident out in the real world again.

 

[scout86]

I'm starting to get angry about this. Is this normal? Being angry about being raped?

I don't know about "normal" but it seems pretty understandable and appropriate to me.

My therapist has requested that I not ask myself "why?". He says too often that's not the "right" question anyway and it's either a question with no answer or an excuse to beat yourself up, (He says I can ask HIM "why?", if I really want to, but he's probably going to work towards coming up with a better question.)

I don't know the answer your question, if there is one. My inclination would be to think this has happened because you've been around rapists in situations where they thought they could rape you.

Some times, with some predators, there's not much you can do. If you have a gun, and use it, you can stop them. If you're skilled in some martial art, and can beat them in a fight, you can stop them. Most predators, IMO, are looking for easier targets. With them, maybe you can bluff, but you're going to have to convince them that you are scarier than they are and are totally serious about hurting them. Which means that you have to be totally clear in expressing yourself. And it means you have to be totally clear in your own mind about what is and isn't ok with you, and totally clear that you have the right to be respected.

One of the things that I've come to understand about myself, fairly recently, is that the reason I've been involved in relationships where me and my wishes weren't respected is that I don't think I, or what I want, is important either. Hardly anyone is going to treat you better than you think you deserve. That doesn't make it right for them to mistreat you, don't get me wrong. It DOES set you up to be dealing with a kind of sorry class of people, whether you're aware of it or not. You have to have a pretty special relationship with someone before you can TRUST that they are going to put your welfare ahead of their wishes, even when you're reluctant to stand up for yourself.

As far as "trust" goes, it needs to be earned. I'll admit, I have issues with trust too. My theory is "trust but verify" but I really do it the other way around. I'm ALWAYS looking for reasons not to trust someone and am always pretty aware of what's at stake if I'm wrong. Maybe, after enough therapy, I'll come to see that as unhealthy. (I kind of doubt that!) Meanwhile I prefer to call it "situational awareness" rather than "hyper-vigilance".

 

[marylouise]

These rapes were not your fault. f*ck anyone who ever even implies that they were.

I'd suggest that you take a Model Mugging class. May there never be a next time, but if a situation comes up, you will know how to protect yourself. This was one of the best things I did for myself as a young woman. And I used the techniques I learned in that class twice, once on an ex-boyfriend.

And be angry! In Model Mugging, they teach you that rapists look for "victims," and "victims" don't look angry. So be angry! Your anger is a weapon. In a dodgy situation, you need to walk like you're angry, yell like you're angry, and kick like you're angry. Our anger protects us.

And P.S.: My class was taught by a young Chinese guy who was a martial arts master. He started teaching the class after being jumped himself. Even though he was trained in martial arts, he could not protect himself against his attackers who surprised him on a dark street. Anyone can be a victim. You do the best you can to protect yourself, but you never blame yourself.

 

[Fadeaway]

You can drive your self nuts wondering why and what you could have done differently to prevent it, I know I have. The truth of the matter comes down to the fact that you can't control the behaviors of other people. Someone else made the choice. The fact that they choose you was a random set of events that occur in life that go back to where and to whom you were born to. If you had been born in another town, a different set of occurrences would have taken place, but who has any control over that?

I have gone over things in my mind a million times and finally had to come to this conclusion. Without having some sort of foreknowledge that no one has, there is nothing that could be done differently. If some one is told "Don't go to such and such place at 3pm because something bad will happen to you." And you know they have that knowledge, you wouldn't go. But who has that kind of foreknowledge? No one!

 

[Healing Reins]

@Fadeaway the thing is I didn't listen to people, people gave me warnings not to do something and I didn't listen

When I was thirteen I was in a swimming competition, and I was being watched by scouters for the University of Colorado, I missed my event because I was being raped. People told me to stay in the pool area, but I decided not to and follow the guy I liked

When I was 17 my parents told me that something bad would happen if I skipped class. I skipped class went in my boyfriends car, and he drove me to a really sketchy place and I was raped in his car

When I was 18 (5 weeks ago) My youth group leader told me not to go to the party and drink she told me that she would even spend the night with me if I got lonely, I brushed her off, got really drunk and possibly got raped.

People knew these bad things were going to happen..I don't understand how I didn't see it.

 

[Fadeaway]

My point is, you had no forewarning, there isn't a single person who could have predicted that was going to happen. Teenagers do things that maybe they shouldn't but it doesn't give them reason to be raped. Ditching school, going to a party, none of that would have resulted in rape had the guy not made the decision. You did not have any foreknowledge it was going to happen nor did anyone else. "something bad is going to happen" is very vague.

You didn't see it because no one can know what is going on in the mind of someone else.

 

[Hashi]

To me it's about not being able to see red flags and not having a basic survival radar that's natural to most other people.

I've posted before on the forum about realising that, due to my history, I didn't have a survival sense and had to set up conscious rules for myself and follow them - rules about how late I went home, who I would take a lift from, situations where I would drink or not drink, etc. It wasn't any use to expect my instinct or common sense to kick in - in this sense, those were broken. It was no use to try to assess a situation, my "assessment skills" were shot.

I had to write out a list of rules and then follow them even if I couldn't see it.

In my case, I don't think I used to have a sign saying "rape me" as such, but I think I gave off a signal that I was vulnerable, had no support, and wouldn't be able to do anything about it, at the time or afterwards.

 

[marylouise]

I think a lot of these comments speak to awareness - of a situation, of our surroundings, of our own state of mind, of our own vulnerability. I mentioned Model Mugging. The first thing you learn at Model Mugging is awareness of what makes a bad situation, so that you can avoid it. It gives you the kind of rules that Hashi references.

Beyond that, it's about giving you techniques to get the hell out of a bad situation, if you find yourself in one. A good kick to the ankle, and then you run like hell. You take care of yourself in whatever ungracious way you can.

I often feel like I spent my 20s learning things that I should have been taught when I was younger. Especially as a girl.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's human nature to ask "why?" But, the truth is that knowing why oftentimes doesn't bring any sense of peace or closure. Sometimes it's just best to accept that shitty people do shitty things and leave it at that.

However, I do think there is such a thing as making ourselves vulnerable to certain things happening. I remember a Facebook "discussion" where this woman who was pregnant went to one of those sit in protests that were happening around the states and Canada. I can't remember if she miscarried after things got rough at the protest or what, but half the people in the discussion said that she should have known better than to go to a protest while pregnant as violence and roughness are not exactly unheard of or uncommon at a protest, and as such she should have had the foresight to stay away to protect her unborn child. The other half of the people said that this argument was victim blaming, and the cops were 100% to blame for what happened to her. Honestly, I was one of those who said she should have known to stay away from a protest while pregnant....personal responsibility, anyone? My point is that no, we cannot predict the actions of others, but at the same time we need to develop a sense of awareness of our surroundings in order to keep ourselves safe. I am not blaming you at all, so please don't think that's what I am saying. Rather, it is important to know the possible dangers of whatever situation we may be in and do whatever we can within our power to stay safe. The truth is that nobody else will keep us safe, so we must learn how to do this for ourselves.

You aren't to blame for what happened to you. I hope that you can see this! Your perpetrators are 100% responsible for what they did to you.

 

[Healing Reins]

This might shed some insight: I got my brown belt in karate when I was 17... I started taking karate when I was in 2nd grade and I did it off and on, and then 5 years ago I decided that I wanted to pursue karate so I decided to get my brown belt (one before your black belt) It took me 4 years to get a brown belt. I was pretty slow... So I know what I can do to protect myself, it's just forgetting about all of it in the moment. I have the skills but I forgot to use them. I was too scared to fight back

I don't want to come off like I am a victim to guys.. but I feel like I do, because I feel like everyone knows that I've been raped.

sorry I went through all my stuff I need to make a correction I got my belt right when I turned 17...so I got it about a year ago. not 16..sorry

does it make sense that I was too scared to fight back? I like froze up when it was happening...it was really scary

 

[silkleaves]

I think it's human nature to ask "why?" But, the truth is that knowing why oftentimes doesn't bring any sense of peace or closure.

This is something that I've been thinking about ever since I read this thread, and didn't quite know to to express. But this is very true. The guy who assaulted me when I was 18 told me exactly why he did it. And the things he told me have haunted and affected me for the past 20 years. Not only did it not help to know why he chose me, it hurt me even more. Because even though I dont mean to or want to, ever since then, whenever I am with a guy, I feel like hes thinking the same things this guy said to me.

For the longest time, well....even to this day to be honest, I still feel like he was the most honest with me. And right after what was actually a nice night, and an intimate moment...in my head this guys voice, his words will come into my head and I just know that's what this guy Im with is thinking but not saying. I project this guy on every single guy that Im with, and it sucks, it hurts. I wish he hadnt said anything..the physical part was bad enough, the threats were bad enough, but him laying there telling me that stuff, thats what I've been carrying with me all these years.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Is there any reason that one of these guys could give to "why?" that would make it ok, or understandable? If the answer to that is "no", then you might need to change your questions.

I think the are 2 separate, but equal, types of situations being discussed on this thread - the "stranger rape," and the "acquaintance rape." In most situations of the "stranger rape," (your dark alley sort of rape), there probably isn't much a person could do/have done differently to prevent it - unless one makes it a habit of walking alone at 3 am through the roughest urban ghetto, or dark, secluded, wooded park. The case of "acquaintance rape," (which I have been through 2 of) I think is a much more complicated matter. Of course one should always try to make responsible choices - don't allow yourself to be alone with a guy you don't know and trust REALLY well, don't drink (or if you do, make absolutely certain to stay in a group setting, not to strike out on your own where you could be seen as vulnerable, etc.

Now, none of that is to say, or imply, that you are/were at fault for anything that happened. Just mean that you (and all of us, really), need to learn to recognize the more responsible and safer options when it comes to our behavior and actions.