DID I want to quit - need support

[Upside Down Eagle]

Well - this is day 5 of me trying to kick my habit. I´ve explained it in detail in this thread (Dissociative Identity - Creating Alters for Other People).

The baseline is that since I can remember, I´ve created imaginary personalities - first for inanimate objects like teddybears and dolls - and later in my life for people I actually knew but didn´t see a lot in real life.

In the thread I explained that I believe this habit is detrimental for me because it basically is an addiction to dissociating from myself and being constantly focused on someone else instead of being present fully.

What this does is break down my mental resilience, so that I also (unwillingly) create imaginary persona´s for people who trigger me, who can then very easily become a kind of "evil alter" for me who want me to end my life.

In the past five days it has become even more obvious that this is an addiction for me - I´m experiencing random shivering, flares of dissociation, an intense urge to go back to the habit (even though I don´t want to).

So far I have managed to keep this up but it´s very draining, as the reason why I do this (constantly wanting to be validated) is still unsolved.

I probably need to replace this habit by doing things that are more constructive, like a hobby (playing a game, building a model), and going outside for a bit, but I need your help in doing so.

Maybe I can report back to this thread every day for a while and see if I am making any progress and whether the suffering is worth it.

 

[ladee]

Wanting to see tangible evidence you are making progress is a very good thing!! I understand what you are saying. Others will tell me sometimes, oh you seem so much calmer, when I never noticed one way or the other. You might want to start a trauma diary if you feel you are ready. Hope others come on and validate you feelings. sending :hug:'s if you accept them....

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey @ladee, thank you :)

I have a trauma diary actually. But I thought it wouldn´t be efficient - I need something that can hold me accountable. If I can come in here, and report to you guys whether I did anything to combat my addiction, I think it would be helpful.

 

[ladee]

Absolutely @Radise !!! What a great way to be accountable. I find when I do that, I am more prone to work a little harder on my issues as I don't want to have to go back and tell people that I didn't do well that day. Tho doing it here, you get a lot of support and suggestions....
We certainly understand set backs.... to us it is 'the end of the world', to those who have been at this longer, they have a lot of support and suggestions for us....
I truly respect your sense of accountability.... very empowering..... sending you :hug:'s if you accept.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dear @Radise as I have myself threaded recently I am struggling to quit drink and narcotics, in particular cocaine. The body does not get addicted to anything, their is IMHO no physiological addiction, the physical reaction to addiction is the habit that is formed by the psychological addiction to whatever it is a person desires the most.

In my case the physical effects of my personal addiction *the physical habit* is having a glass of alcohol in my hand all the time or having a bag of snow and a snort pipe in my wallet.

As we are both at this moment in time struggling with similar situations (however different they are), please remember Dear friend, I am here to help you at any time or moment you would like. Please feel free to contact me personally or openly at any time.

It is at times like these that support from others in similar situations really is the best therapy and support we can give each other.

Your dear friend @Mr Laurie

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Ps, I am day 5 myself, so :D :hug:s

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@Mr Laurie,

I have only slight experience with methamphetamine, and when I say slight I mean realized in time how it was destroying positive things in my life (lack of sleep, moodswings, started to feel more victimized, started to lose trust in my friends). Hence what I´m trying to tell you is that though I was not addicted (yet), I have a little bit of insight when it comes to narcotics, and I know they´re a b*tch to kick, if I may say so.

However I fully trust that you can do it, once you trust yourself that you can do it: because while you might be fully capable of doing so, the mind can trick us into believing that we aren´t strong enough and thus convinces us we´ve got to return to the habit. Don´t trust your brain: trust your heart, is my advice. I think in my case, I need to become more mindful: because that was exactly what I was avoiding by engaging with imaginary projections.

Maybe you can ask yourself what you are avoiding by using. I think in a way, a habit (addiction) is failing to take responsbility for something because it scares us. I truly hope you can kick it. Let´s do this togheter!

Today I walked around the block (on my crutches :D) but I feel better. My next challenge will be to take an hour or so, away from the computer and with myself.

 

[ladee]

Just like I NEED to quit smoking, but I do not WANT to quit smoking. So tired of the battle in my head. So some days I just give myself permission to smoke.. it is because I can't afford it right now. But will resort to pot, because i am going to smoke SOMETHING.....:woot:

 

[Ronin]

@Radise: Stop yourself mid-track, when dissociating. Ask yourself what closer-to-reality association comes in mind, and one where your identity is still the same fluid but not needing expansion to any different direction when coping with things at hand.

Take it slooow. Because if you just force yourself to give up something so able to mess with whole functioning (as a habit of forming new identities, dissociated from the former), it's more likely to backfire on you. Been there, fast doesn't work and abrupt is a way to hell.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@Cashew I understand your approach but for me the slow way is a slow way to staying in my habit :)

I have experience with this. When I stop cold turkey, it´s because I´ve made my decision and that´s final. If I keep on going to the trigger, I only feel like a lame-ass for not being able to quit, thus reinforcing my feeling that I cannot cope by myself, thus landing me in a spiral.

I did not stop the entire imagining thing though. I´ve decided that it´s okay if I still imagine "duplicates" that cannot be a trigger. Like Johnny Depp because I have no expectation of ever meeting him in real life, I have had no unhealthy relationship with him (haha :D) and I do not care the least that he interacts with other people while not contacting me.

It seems to be a whole different story. I need to detach from the ones that actually could influence my life.

Also somehow, for example, if I imagine a duplicate personality for Johnny Depp, I feel far less attached to it and thus far less need to "depend" on it (and thus not prone to becoming addicted). On the other hand with the Wizard guy, I´ve developed this incredibly unhealthy addiction.

 

[The Albatross]

I quit nicotine for 12 days then hit the skids and have two packs in two days under my belt. I need too to quit. Wanting to quit I find is hardwired to my child abuse and issues about "health"... abuse stopped when I was sick/ill. Isn't that a toughie?

 

[Ronin]

@Radise: Can I ask a question? What need or cluster of needs does this creating personalities serve, for you? I think that's what I'm stuck with as trying to think of responses with having read your other replies, figures dealing with addictions where the main component is mental is really different by underlying needs that prompted the addictive behaviors/ideation in the first place.