I Want To Re-enter The Workforce

[EvenStrongerNow]

For so long, I have struggled with who I am now (PTSD) vs. who I was then (no PTSD). I will be 30 years old in May and trauma has unravelled my ability to find and maintain work. Before PTSD, I worked all of the time. There wasn't much of a thought process. I needed a job, I got a job. Case closed. It was easy for me.

Now, I seem to have a sense of a foreshortened future. I feel so much fear in just making my resume because my job history is so unstable in the sense of having so many different types of jobs. There is so much fear in so many things having to do with work since PTSD. The two experiences I have had with having a job post-trauma were a nightmare. I went straight into toxic environments and freaked out. I had no coping tools back then though either.

Searching for a job is so difficult for me. I get really really motivated, put myself out there a lot and get turned down and then I crumble with very little rejection. Rejection never used to bother me. It used to motivate me.

Other times, I will get responses and I won't follow up on them. I start to feel almost like apathy toward it because my good days are not as consistent as I'd like them to be. I'm finally to a place in recovery where I don't feel like the gal in the movie "50 First Dates" anymore. I used to wake up every day and forget what happened to me. It's like something happened when I went to sleep and I would forget that I had PTSD the next day. I would completely freak out. I am now consistently reminded that I have PTSD and that there is a way to recover so that's a good thing.

I am in school right now so I am keeping myself somewhat busy a couple days a week as well as doing stuff around the house.

My ideal job would be a non-toxic environment, something where I don't have to be around people too much (which is so heart wrenching because I used to be an extravert), or if I am around people, a job that allows me to just be my PTSD self although I will be growing, not just staying in my PTSD all of the time. It's also difficult because in Los Angeles, they want a resume even for food service or janitorial work.

My issue is: I know the steps to find a job. I know how to write a resume. I know how to do everything required to get a job. I am physically capable of doing it. I can't seem to reconcile who I am now with who I was then. It hinders me as does the sense of a foreshortened future.

For anyone who struggled with this and got through it, what do you suggest? Is this something that will go away or does the job search have to become a mindful process like everything else after trauma? I feel like I'm kind of all over the place in my thoughts on this. I will be gentle with myself through this, but I also really want to have a job again. Thanks for listening.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hello Even Stronger Now :>

It sounds like you are on the right track in your recovery so congrats on that.

I was introduced to the practice of rejoicing and I found that has helped me. When I do something right even if it is a tiny thing, I take a moment to rejoice in it. "Yay for me!" I found that doing this helps continue to build my confidence.

You mentioned that you cannot seem to reconcile who you are now with who you were then. I have a thought about that. What has helped me is to realize that we are always changing. Even if the trauma never happened and we never got PTSD, there would have been days or situations where your were not as good as other days and in other situations. And we are getting older so even without PTSD, our minds and bodies are changing all the time. We know this in our minds, but for me it was hard to reconcile.

Then I realized that what happened was that I was attached to who I was thinking "that was me" and this person now is somehow less than me or not me. But the me I was attached to was changing all the time as well. I realized that I was attached to something as permanent when in fact I am always changing. I realized that there is no inherently existent ME and that the person before the PTSD who could do more things like hold down jobs is gone and the me today right now is all I have.

And as long as I make the me today as good as I can be and rejoice in my small accomplishments and keep working for recovery, that is the best I can do because all I have is now. It helped so that I did not put so many expectations on myself.

And as annoying as it is, :> I find that mindfulness does help. Having a meditation practice allows me to recognize my feelings of fear as they are arising and now about 40 percent of the time I can simply let them go before they rise up as a full blown PTSD episode. I now have worked in the same place for over 5 years which for me is a record.

I wish you much success and healing -

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My only concern is that you're not taking care of necessary things regarding your health. I think you posted just last week about being unable to proceed with medical treatment because it was too overwhelming. Is the idea of working just a distraction from that? I know your health issues are serious, so I'm concerned that working right now on top of going to school will distract you from proceeding with medical treatment.

 

[MissMacD]

PTSD doesn't just go away so if you overwhelm yourself by going to school and working and piling on activities it will rear it's ugly head again whether you want it to or not. I turned 30 a few months ago and I've had to take almost two years off of work to get therapy and get my life back on track. My PTSD chased me for years and I ran from it by always having a gazillion activities going on.

When it finally caught up to me I went down hard and I've been off of work for two years recovering. I am going back to work next month. Your health is so precious and you only get one body and it is okay to be nice to yourself. Therapy can be scary but it is even scarier to let ugly things fester. I decided to not let my trauma own my life so I've taken back the control of my life. It takes time and work but it is so worth it.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@Solara , yes, you are correct. I do think of it as a distraction. I remember back in 2010, when my health was bad, I had an office job and it helped me a lot as far as I felt it gave me a thing to concentrate on while I did testing. There were a couple of times that I had to miss work, but mostly I was a model employee during that time.

I ended up being laid off of work and losing health insurance. It was a very difficult time for me. One minute, the owner (when he heard that I was sick) allowed me to get health insurance before my three month probationary period was up because he said they take care of "family members" and four months later, I was laid off.

I think that did something to me. I think that caused some sort of fear in working for me. I learned from one of my friends there who was a higher up that owners have specific reasons they lay people off and so I assumed that my being laid off had to do with my needing so much medical care.

I figured that now since I have my own health insurance and since my husband makes enough to support us, that I can have a job and not have the worries that I did before about having work.

Now that I'm typing that out, I see more of what you are saying. Do you think that having a job can be a healthy distraction?

I think that experience surrounding my medical trauma and work caused a lot of fear.

Also, I learned something else about myself in recovery. I learned that I was never meant to be an extravert. Growing up, my sister was very outgoing. I started acting like her because I thought that being outgoing is why people liked her so much. I took myself very seriously as a kid. I was a braniac and I got made fun of a lot.

Being a social butterfly was kind of a stress response for me with what was going on at home. Now that I've gotten this far in recovery, I have been realizing that I'm an introvert. I do become really social at times when I get to know people, but I am mostly a one on one person. I also can seem really outgoing when there is something I am really passionate about--like helping people for a cause.

I mention that because that may be the reason I found it so easy to land work before. I always went for jobs that required me to be outgoing. So, maybe if I can find a job where that isn't a requirement, maybe a job that appreciates an introvert, perhaps I could really shine.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@MissMacD I just did three years of therapy and I've only had two short term jobs since trauma--maybe a few months each and less than part time. How long should I wait to go back to work? Am I missing something?

I know PTSD doesn't just go away, but I reached the acceptance stage and I have control of it now.

I have coping skills now that I did not have back then. How did you know when you were ready to go back to work?

I'm really asking for suggestions about re-entering the work force and how people climbed over the fear hurdles as it relates to PTSD.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

After giving it some more thought, I think you may be right @Solara . I just read articles about avoidance coping. It seems my wanting to work is a way to help me cope with the medical trauma I am facing.

Since honesty is my best policy, I will have to say that I'm afraid that if I don't have a job while I'm going through this, that I will have to wait longer to get a job. Upon reading through some of my old medical records, my old doctor filed a form in my records stating she did not feel I could work on a consistent basis and will need to receive medical care on an ongoing basis. I read that the other day and felt really scared. What if she's right?

Is it possible that it only applied to back then and not now? Those are the thoughts I'm having.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that work can be a healthy distraction. I am just concerned about you getting help for your other medical issues because I'd hate to see you not get the treatment you need.

I think of it this way. We have PTSD and like it or not, that means we have to approach things a bit differently in order to make sure we minimize stress. I am all for moving forward and being all that we can be, but I think we need to be careful about adding too much in at once. For me personally, that meant focusing on treatment so I could become less symptomatic and more functional, then once I was comfortable with this, I pushed myself forward and enrolled in school, which is where I'm at now, and the next step is to start volunteering/working. I just worry that if you add in both medical treatment and working at the same time, then you may become overwhelmed as new stuff tends to be stressful.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That makes perfect sense and thank you for coming along side of me. My life is full of putting carts before the horses :D

Maybe I will just sit down and write down what my ideal job looks like for now.

 

[MissMacD]

@EvenStrongerNow only you will know when you are ready to go back to work.

I figure as long as your cart works for you, does it really matter where you put the horses :p?