I Was A Nice Person Before Ptsd

[Notsowild]

I've been thinking lately about what I was like before PTSD. I was kinder, funnier and more compassionate. Now that I have all these crazy PTSD symptoms especially the dissociation, I find I just live in my own little world. I'm so consumed by thoughts, "am I going to have a panic attack", "remember to breathe" or "remember your grounding techniques" etc etc

I have no time to think about the world around me. People annoy me. I hate talking to them. I don't want to go out and have fun. I rarely laugh anymore. I'm all consumed by these symptoms. It's getting to be too much. Where is the light?

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hey there Notsowild,

The light is still in there. Never you fear. It is inside you. It might be buried under all the symptoms and it might be like a turtle inside its shell, but it is there. Nothing can take that away from you.

What worked for me was to talk to myself and remind myself there is a good person inside there.

And sometimes I could remind myself that my symptoms are not me. All my symptoms are things that are overlaid on top of the good and compassionate person I was. These symptoms are not inherently existent. They will eventually fade and the good me will reappear.

I hope you are able to find your good qualities again soon.

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Jane.l]

So true I feel just the same most of the time and then I feel guilty for being so wrapped up in my own world and not being there for others. I want to hide under my rock , I can't because I have to function but I want to.

The thing is socialising actually is a healthy good thing to do - even if it's just seeing your T or a quick coffee with a friend . Just that human contact -even if the thought of it is not appealing I do usually feel better for doing it .

So what am I saying ? Basically totally get where you are coming from but I try to keep up some social interaction however much I don't want to and by letting some non ptsd stuff into my life I hope ptsd won't totally consume every bit of every day .

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I can really identify with your post. Like @Jane.l, the only thing that keeps me from blockading myself in my room forever is the guilt I feel when I am not participating with family at home and with friends. Most people in my life right now knew me pre-PTSD and it can be difficult for them to understand how drastically different I am now. I feel very overwhelmed a lot of the time because I am dealing with so many symptoms and yet have to try to pretend I'm okay when dealing with people. It's exhausting. I often think seriously about abandoning my life here and disappearing.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted to say that I totally get how you are feeling. Thanks for being open about how you feel as it has helped me. Hang in there.

 

[iwillbeme]

I hear you! I don't know if you or I will ever be the people we were before. Maybe we can't be. Maybe we shouldn't be. Maybe we can still be good people. Life before PTSD seems like a childhood house I moved away from. I come back and see it. I have memories I love there but I no longer live there. Maybe we need to build a new home.

 

[yoshixvx]

From someone who thought they were a monster, the light is still inside you. I am finally able to differentiate between "me" and PTSD, the havoc and poor quality of life it causes. It's not me, and it's not you.

I don't know if I will be the person I was before.. I don't know who that person is. But maybe that's a good thing.. PTSD seems to give a vast amount of life lessons that most people never get the opportunity to experience. Some of it is bad, but it also makes us tough as nails, and grants a resilience that can be depended on if/when it is ever needed again.

But with going forward and learning to navigate it, I consider my future a clean slate in many ways. It's a second chance for being able to survive atrocities and come out relatively intact, alive, and not a victim. For me, that is hope.. maybe it's not the fairy tale, curable ending.. but it is better than the alternative.

 

[saoirserylyn]

The light comes with finding a way to enjoy getting to know this new, stronger person that you've become.

We could spend every day looking in the mirror and hating ourselves for being a self-centered, trauma obsessed, walking list of symptoms. But in reality, that isn't who we are becoming, that is what we are focusing on. There exists a silver lining within each and every symptom we're experiencing. Just try finding those rays of light for yourself.

I was once nostalgic about my pre-trauma personality, but as the months pass - I am learning to welcome the changes with open arms. For example, I stand up for myself more now than I've ever been capable of doing in the past. Granted it's usually because I am overreacting, being mean or rude, but at least I am saying something. I'm still working on things like being forgetful that other people in my life have problems too - I am rarely selfless and caring for others anymore as I am so focused in my own anxiety, but like all things. It will come with time.