Relationship I Was Right, He Blocked Me From His Updates

[Deleted member 1860]

It doesn't matter that you met him before your daughter left. It seems like your daughter left and that gives you even MORE reason to hang on to him. This isn't about not giving up on people. EVERYONE has their limits. The "not giving up on people" mentality is something that people say in order to stay in bad situations (much of the time). I wouldn't fall on this sword because while you're painting it as a noble thing in your mind, it is indeed your downfall in that you cannot separate healthy "sticking by people" from unhealthy attachment.

Part of the problem is that your communication with him is nil. You are relying on Facebook. Facebook has destroyed so much in my life that it isn't even worth having an account anymore. It seems like Facebook is creating problems in your life, too. Its crazy-making to put it quite simply. If you didn't have Facebook, would any of this be an issue? No, it would not. You are second guessing why he is doing anything on Facebook. Isn't an equally plausible explanation that he is in the hospital and shut down his profile to EVERYONE? Yep, it is! But your mind wanders to the very worst scenario, that he did this to you and only you. There is zero trust in this relationship, so why are you with him? I don't see why anyone would be in a relationship with zero trust and zero communication. Is that even a relationship?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I don't know Glara, I am not you (in fact I know very little about you), and I know next to nothing about your situation except what I've read on here and your other threads.

But I have to say it reminds me a lot of the last time I loved a guy, (who didn't have psychiatric problems, so okay it's a completely different situation). I was always thinking about him, wondering if I could do anything to change his behavior towards me, I wanted him to tell me how he was doing. I wanted him to tell me if he was okay or not, so I could "be there for him" in case he wasn't okay.

There were some vague responses from his side, but mostly just ignoring me: there was no real communication. And I hung in that twilight zone for over three years, and still (!) have trouble getting over it from time to time. After three years something finally switched in me, realized (with much pain) that I needed to give up, and at that time I feel like I went through a personality change.

I am not saying that this is you. But I do want to warn you about this. This weird twilight zone isn't good for you.

 

[Matilda]

I haven't been keeping up much with your previous posts so I don't know your relationship to this guy and a lot of the back story but I still feel the need to comment. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I were this guy I think I'd block my Facebook posts too. I can't stand when others obsess over my well being (even if it is well intentioned). I was in a similar state and all it made me do was distance myself and lash out a LOT. please step back, stop bothering him and checking up on him so frequently, try continuing with your life, and just wait for him to speak to you

 

[Justmehere]

It is VERY hard to go from someone reaching out to you when they are on the edge of death to having no contact with them. All his actions seem to indicate he is not able or willing to be a in a relationship with you right now. I get the sense that you want to hear that from him, directly and clearly? Is that right?

 

[Glara]

Ok first of, EVERYONE, @Matilda and @Solara, I very rarely comment on his statuses. I texted him to have a nice vacation and I'm glad he's doing better, because I got a status update even though I deactivated. That's when he told me about the hospital and asked me how I knew his post. When I told him, he blocked me from his updates, not Facebook, he's still on Facebook. Thats how I know he has his phone and that's how I know he removed me from seeing his status updates. He does not know any of this. I wish people would read exactly what I'm writing before commenting on my behavior. I'm on here to talk things over before I act.

As for me hanging on, it hasn't been that long. I saw him in Dec. it hasn't been years or even that many months, and this stuff just happened! I'm sorry that I'm being perceived as being clingy and suffocating or whatever. But he doesn't know any of this.

And please, it's not about my daughter moving out. Yes, I miss her. We used to do things together. But it is a seperate issue. It does make this harder, but as I keep repeating this started before she moved out.

The rest is very simple. . He blocked me from receiving his updates which is why I question if it's a vacation or hospitalization. He posted one thing, told me another then blocked me from his posts, didn't delete me or his Facebook, that's why I'm having trouble believing it.. I don't see why that makes me so bad. I'm merely questioning whether that a ptsd kind of thing to do, or I'm being played? I don't think it's an unreasonable question based on his recent actions.

 

[Glara]

Thanks again @Justmehere you seem to be the only person who understands what I'm saying. Yes, I would have liked him to tell me he can't do this anymore, or something, other than what he's doing. Yes, he reaches out at a very low point then cuts me off. How can that not effect me?

 

[joeylittle]

The rest is very simple. . He blocked me from receiving his updates which is why I question if it's a vacation or hospitalization. He posted one thing, told me another then blocked me from his posts, didn't delete me or his Facebook, that's why I'm having trouble believing it.. I don't see why that makes me so bad. I'm merely questioning whether that a ptsd kind of thing to do, or I'm being played? I don't think it's an unreasonable question based on his recent actions.

The way I see it, one of two things is happening. Either:

1. He is in the hospital and totally overwhelmed and wants zero responsibilities; he needs to maintain some story about "vacation" and can't also handle explaining to you. Best course of action: trust he's in the hospital and therefore monitored and safe - no reason to worry - eliminate anything that will keep upsetting YOU, like Facebook.
2. He lied and told you he was going into the hospital because he cannot figure out how to break up with you properly. It's possible he feels stalked by you, and chose lying so he could buy himself time away from your clinging behavior.

Either way - for your own sanity, you need to stop. Stop checking, stop wondering, stop worrying. Stop. Walk away. Distract yourself. Go see movies on your own. Take yourself to dinner. Learn a craft with a social component, like knitting. Or take lessons in something you are curious about.

You are really hurting yourself, and I don't think you see it. I also think this relationship has been over for awhile, since things were broken off a few months ago (I think I'm right about that. Didn't he end it?)

 

[Justmehere]

Yes, he reaches out at a very low point then cuts me off.

I have a friend with an ED who does this. It kind of really hurts, and she is just a friend. It made me feel almost used... It is hard to walk away. It is painful to stay.

It is good to walk away. I did that to my friend. It was painful. I wondered if I was hurting her or if we could have made the friendship work. We couldn't have. We had tried that. It didn't work. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't a good healthy relationship and trying to make it a good healthy relationship would have distracted her from her process of either dealing with ED or letting her hit her own rock bottom with the ED. The most loving kind thing I could do for her was to walk away. To not let her use a relationship with me as a replacement for reaching out for more comprehensive professional support.

18 months later, we reconnected and we finally have a healthy friendship. We had NO chance of doing that if I had stayed in contact with her - regardless of where I stood with her.

I think it is reasonable to want him to tell you where you stand with him. However, it's not going to help him or you for you to keep trying to find out.

He doesn't seem like he has the ability, the courage, the emotional space right now to flat out tell you where you stand with him any more clearly than he has. Your feelings of being hurt and upset are completely justified. This situation stinks. He should be directly telling you where you stand with him - but he may not even have the emotional ability to even figure that out himself, let alone say it. I also know that in the past, you have been very reluctant to share with him how you were feeling too.

Trying to get him to tell you where you stand with him is not likely to change what should happen now.

If he says he loves you...
If he says he likes you but can't handle a relationship right now...
If he communicates that he is just screwing with you and manipulating you...
If he says he is in the hospital, or not in the hospital or he is on vacation in Tahiti...

No matter any of these possible outcomes, it does not seem healthy for you and him to be in a relationship now or in the near future.

That's why everyone is suggesting to let him go instead of encouraging you to talk to him. In the end, the choice is always yours. You know him and you know yourself the best.

If you do choose to let him go for now, no one is saying this will be easy or simple. It is deeply painful. He has clearly been someone you have really cared about who has some good qualities. But it's not enough right now. He needs to go work on his own stuff and you need to work on your own stuff (and we all have stuff) and a relationship with each other is distracting you both from the real and hard work of dealing with that stuff.

Wherever you stand with him, focus on what you want and need and how to get there outside of all of this with him.

My heart goes out to you. Letting go can be one of the hardest things in the world to do. I believe in you. You can do this. We are here to support you too. :hug:

 

[Glara]

@joeylittle, I really resent you calling my behavior clingy. I came here for support. I barely text him unless he texts me first and I rarely comment on his posts. He reached out to me that he took his gun to the woods to end it all, yes, I've been a wreck ever since. I suppose it was clingy of me to respond? I don't know what I should be doing. What I do know is that he has since shut me out and it is upsetting to go from one extreme to the other. I was hoping to gain some insight. Not be criticized for perceived behavior based on what I'm posting here, and not what my actions really are.

I was told I could come here and question and vent but it feels like I'm being judged based on my posts on here, rather than my actual behavior toward him I'm getting emotion based responses about these posts rather than my actions. But ironically I'm being told I shouldn't respond emotionally to his posts.

 

[Glara]

@Justmehere there were a number of times when I thought he ended it but them came back.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I remember reading about a couple of other times when it seemed like he ended it, and came back, and this seems like another one of those times. If you stay in connection with him right now, he's likely to keep doing that for quite some time, and you are likely to keep feeling like crap about it. :( :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

Oh, @Glara, I'm sorry. That was really poor word choice on my part. I seem to be having a bad day in communication all around - but I didn't mean to make you feel badly. I think that you are always putting yourself out there for this guy, and he can't meet you halfway back. It seems like the farther away he steps, the closer in you step.

I know I've done that for people I've really cared about who have been going through something - and it always ends in feeling bad. By saying "clinging behavior", that was all I was referring to - not "being clingy", which isn't what I said, and is not what I meant to convey. When I think of clinging, it means "holding to", not with a negative connotation. I usually proofread myself better than that. (I have language problems, and they've been acting up). It was not my intent to judge you.

I think, regardless of PTSD, he isn't being upfront with you, and that's not ok for a relationship. It does look like he's trying to pull away. PTSD and avoidance doesn't mean you can't be honest. Anyway, sorry for the hurt - listen to @Justmehere, she's saying it way, way better and making more sense than me at the moment.

You obviously care a ton, and this is such a hard situation you've got with this guy. I'm sorry to have phrased it wrong, sincerely.