Sexual Assault I Wasn't Sexually Abused But I Felt Like I Was

[lyratheowl]

Lyra, I am finding it very concerning that you aren't willing to open yourself to what people are tryin...

I am saying I correspond to the symptoms of PTSD I didn't say I have it. I haven't even listed my symptoms but I do correspond to the symptoms of PTSD. That is all I'm saying. I don't know how clear I made that but I didn't say I was clinging to a diagnosis just that trauma is widely used term and I've never heard of any other term which has the same symptoms and explains the same effects so I am saying I correspond to the symptoms of PTSD because that is what I know. I mentioned I don't have the symptom of a hazy memory but I had pretty much all the other symptoms for a good year. I'm not dismissing anything anyone's saying except I don't like the implication in general (not just from people on here) that what happened wasn't bad (not by life threatening standards just general) and was normal as I don't think it was. That's the only part I don't like if that's what anyone is implying but even in that case I am not trying to dismiss anyones opinion on the event as I want to know if they think it;s bad or not and their opinion is helpful to me because everyone in my life especially my boyfriend is telling me I'm wrong and it was fine (even though I know it wasn't fine) so i want to know what others think of it too. As maybe I am wrong. Also, I am posting as a guest so my posts have to be checked before they are actually posted so they always appear after more people have replied.

 

[lyratheowl]

^^^^
This + When you say it felt like you were being sexually abused... Have you been sexually ab...

Oh and the other things I was talking about were just stuff like people kissing me against my will one of them I was up against a wall and men grabbing me from behind in a nightlcub. But none of that really affected me and was all when I was already an adult. Oh and one time when I was still a child but a bit older maybe like 11 these older teenage boys on summer camp tied me up in the dorm rooms and I wanted to be let go but I guess they thought it was a fun joke but they didn't do anything to me and I guess they let me go in the end. But again it didn't affect me or bother me afterwards.

 

[EveHarrington]

@joeylittle can you please explain to me why the guy who was involved in a threesome and suspected PTSD was said to be trolling yet this person hears 100% consensual sex through a wall, says it must be PTSD, and her posts are all approved for posting? IMHO this thread is in the same vein as that one.

Actually IMHO this one is more offensive. Sorry, but NO, OP-----you do NOT know what it feels like to be sexually abused just because you heard sex through a wall. This is a slap in the face to every sexual abuse survivor out there. (I am a CSA survivor,)

The people here have been more than kind to you yet you insist you have PTSD. NO, you do NOT have PTSD. Most trollers who come here and declare they have PTSD from non PTSD events are treated much more harshly.

It's incredibly insulting to everyone with this damn disorder to say you have PTSD from listening to sex!

I'm sorry if this sounds rude but I'm damn tired of eveyone claiming PTSD from things that cannot cause PTSD. (Hearing 100% consensual sex through a wall comes nowhere close to what it takes to cause PTSD. Nowhere. Seriously.)

I really wish that you'd realize how insulting this post is to everyone who has PTSD from rape, war, tragic accidents, death, etc.

And yes, you want PTSD sooooo very, very badly. My last reply to you went in one ear and out the other. I will spell out my point as you didn't understand me before. Self-diagnosis is impossible. Yes, impossible. Diagnosis is INCREDIBLY more involved than checking things off a list as you have done. Diagnosis requires a professional who is trained to diagnose.

Why do you want PTSD? The only people who want PTSD are the ones who don't have it. Word.

 

[joeylittle]

@joeylittle can you please explain to me why the guy who was involved in a threesome and suspected PTSD was said to be trolling yet this person hears 100% consensual sex through a wall, says it must be PTSD, and her posts are all approved for posting? IMHO this thread is in the same vein as that one.

That would be true, except the OP has posted about actual sexual abuse in their childhood, and what could possibly have been sexual assault in adolescence.

Though, it doesn't change the fact that this needs to be said: Lyratheowl, if you are not trolling, you need to slow down your posting and really read what people are saying to you.

It is possible, from what you've added to your story, that you did experience criterion A trauma when you were a child/adolescent. The episode with the old man, and the time you were pushed against a wall and kissed against your will.

Whether or not you believe you are OK with these events, actually doesn't matter right now. What matters is you are certain that something is wrong, and it seems to have been set off by this disturbing experience of overhearing people having sex.

Personal example: I was gang-raped when I was a teen. Now, I knew it was bad, but I really believed I had coped with it. I did not develop PTSD until after I was raped a second time, a little over 20 years later. Even then, I didn't really know what to attach it to, because I honestly believed that rape was not a big deal.

Here's how it works: You have a criterion A trauma. If it happened when you were a child, you really might not remember accurately what the experience was for you at the time. You live your life, coping, managing. Then, out of the blue, something very upsetting happens that seems to give you all the symptoms of PTSD. But, that very upsetting thing cannot give you PTSD. Therefore, it's one of two things:

You have PTSD from your childhood trauma, and it was just triggered by overhearing the sex.
You don't have PTSD from your childhood trauma, and you are dealing with some other mental health issue that was triggered by overhearing the sex.

I don't think anyone here is saying that your upset isn't real. What we are trying to help you understand is how this disorder actually works: what starts it, how it presents itself, and ultimately - we are all emphasizing that you need to go see a doctor and tell them all of this.

 

[amosmorris]

I'm new to the site, have huge respect for the hardships others have endured and for the compassion shown here. I think I might be able to offer a unique perspective on this one and so here's my first post--hope it is helpful in light of all that's already been written here--

I was first told I had PTSD by a therapist after a traumatic birth experience with my first child--long story short, I ended up unconscious for her birth and, yes, thought I was going to die. I woke up with post-partum depression, panic, recurring thoughts and images instead. Years later I lost my greatest friend, too young, to breast cancer; I was by her side in her last hours, took care of her in many ways through the worst of her illness (it'll be two years that she's gone). This loss sent me into a grief I couldn't dig out of, and so I returned to therapy (new therapist) and found that the loss had opened up a deep well of pain and sadness that I suppose I always knew was there but could never touch or fully engage. This was--has been--very scary. I've been going to this new therapist for about 1.5 yrs and she too has suggested PTSD. I suppose I'm not sure and the diagnosis itself is not esp important to me, but I struggle to validate or acknowledge the impact of things on me, and so in that regard I appreciate having more input and a way to think or understand.

Anyway--I'll leave out some of the details of my childhood, but what's most important is that I grew up in an environment that could be described--it's hard for me to do this for all sorts of reasons--as emotionally careless/neglectful/reckless...as young children we were accustomed to my mother threatening to run away from home (a repetitive standard), to mixed messages of neediness and rejection, and to my father who was just across-the-board angry all the time (bonus: my brother grew up being told he had "half a brain" through his childhood and adolescence). So anyway: that they were careless and indecent with their sex life meant that I was exposed, nightly, to highly explicit sounds as an adolescent (when we moved to a new place and shared a thin wall). This was ten years of my life, basically every night, beginning at age 12 and ending when I was able to move out for good. It was intensely disturbing for me--and at a time when I was just hitting puberty myself and navigating all that confusion. I'll spare you all some of the auditory details of their unhealthy sex life (daytime was ok too with kids around) but I will say this experience messed with my brain in a very real way. In many ways rightly or wrongly I experienced it as my mother's abuse (I suppose thanks to the larger context of our home environment), and I was at the same time frozen with shame for being a kind of third party or voyeur, even as I loathed this role and would have given anything to change it. But I was too afraid of the consequences of speaking up, drawing attention to myself and to them, and so behaved as a kind of silent prisoner in my bedroom.

So what I've uncovered in this past hard year+ of therapy is the ways in which these experiences are connected and shaping for me. While my experience is different than the original poster, and while I have had other trauma, I can attest that an exposure like the one described would be very difficult for me. I agree with those who've written that maybe the initial trigger speaks to something deeper. I do have a fear of hearing people have sex--it's not "just sex" for me--and I get anxious staying in hotels, for example, for fear that I'll hear people in the next room. I have my own sexual issues and mental roadblocks, many of them auditory in nature, and it's not uncommon for me to have anxiety and mentally check out during sex. I'm working on this stuff. I had gotten very good at just not dealing with any of my issues, batting away thoughts and associations by assuring myself that I was just a weak person, but in the last two years loss/grief opened a well for me and I'm trying to work through it all. I hope I've been helpful. I know folks have been through inhuman, devastating, violent trauma, and so I share here well aware of and with respect for that.

 

[EveHarrington]

@joeylittle and anyone else who may judge what I said.

In between it taking much time to write my last response AND the fact that this person doesn't want to join the forum so there is a delay in her responses showing up--------I was completely unaware of the fact that she had been sexually abused as a child------simply because this info was not available when I started my response.

OP it sounds like your childhood sexual abuse is the cause of your issues and hearing sex made you go off the rails. Can you see why this happened? I'm guessing it's because you heard sex while in a seedy place-------and you said your mom dragged you to seedy places as a kid, right?

Focusing on hearing sex as the cause of your problems is going to have everyone dismiss you. Yes, everyone, even professional therapists (if you fail/refuse to disclose what happened as a child). If you go to a therapist and insist that hearing sex and hearing sex alone is the cause of your problems, you may get one of those hypochondriac or malingering type "diagnosis'"-------something you definitely do not want.

I'd stick to talking to professionals who will understand that you were possibly sexually abused as a child and recent events triggered your symptoms.

 

[Klo]

Just want to add to the rest of the sentiment in the thread, that I also think it sounds like you were triggered.

Trauma trigger - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Being triggered when you don't realize that you have trauma from something earlier in your life, can indeed be an extremely confusing experience, both for yourself and anyone else who witnesses or hears about your reaction to something. It can definitely make you feel like you have lost your bloody mind. And yes, if you misunderstand the situation through no fault of your own, and try to explain it to people as though the trigger was the cause of trauma, it won't make any sense to them (naturally) and they are likely to be dismissive. Sometimes people will be unable to remember the original trauma, even if they can examine for example their childhood and see how bad stuff probably did happen.

An example for me personally is hearing children scream in anguish or fear. That is my number one trigger. Other things in life I don't necessarily feel are full-blown triggers, really. Some things will make me start to dissociate and/or mildly provoke my fight/flight response, but a child screaming in such a manner makes me instantly fly off the deep end in a very bad way. This can be very problematic sometimes at doctors' offices. For example, the last time I went to a medical appointment, there was a little boy there getting some shots, and he was freaking out pretty bad. I could hear his horrified screaming and pleading through the walls. My whole brain instantly went into this mode of, "I have to find whoever is hurting him and kill them." It's hard to even articulate how overwhelming and all-consuming that feeling is. Instead I rushed outside and threw up in the grass, and then needed to smoke several cigarettes while shaking with fury and anxiety before I could even consider coming back into the building.

Now if I tried to explain to someone that, "I heard a kid screaming while getting his shots and it gave me PTSD," well that wouldn't make much sense, even though hearing a kid screaming from shots is pretty unsettling for anyone. But the first time I had that sort of experience, of hearing a kid scream like that, it was actually a neighbor, the kid was throwing a tantrum and the mother was frazzled and raising her voice, and I almost beat the crap out of her. It was a warning sign that something was not right, as others have pointed out here for you. Something is not right if you are noticing symptoms that seem like PTSD just from hearing people have consensual sex.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

This fits perfectly with your diagnosis of OCD. OCD and PTSD are often found together some of the symptoms over lap and if you've experienced a traumatic event your more likely to e diagnosed with OCD.

I think it's (notice I put "think" it's just a thought I'm not a professional) intrusive thoughts caused by your OCD this being the big thing I see you saying in your posts that makes you believe you have PTSD. With PTSD you can't "let go" of the traumatic experience and experience it over and over. Intrusive thoughts are somthing some sufferers have this is what I see you saying in your posts. But you don't have to have PTSD to have intrusive thoughts and it does fit with OCD along with other diagnoses.

The thing is you could open up the latest DSM and diagnose any joe off the street with something. The thing is it's affecting your life that's the important bit here. You need to see a professional someone who can help you heal rather than diagnose and some treatments for PTSD are also used in OCD so I think what it is is less important than how to heal and get better.

 

[lyratheowl]

@joeylittle and anyone else who may judge what I said.

In between it taking...

I guessed you didn't see those latest posts of mine and they might have come up afterwards. How does that make your post okay? So it's my fault for for 'failing' to disclose a past trauma. What if I never remembered something that happened in my childhood because it was repressed? or what if nothing else happened but I still experienced ptsd symptoms but didn't have ptsd? Does that make it okay to say that I'm 'trolling' etc. and try to shame me and guilt me for sharing my experience? I'd think you'd understand how damaging you did is to someone. I would never think that of somebody. It doesn't matter whether I understand the reason why the y felt how they did or not. I would just believe them and empathise with them and accept their feeling not blame them and say they're 'trolling' when they choose to share it with me. The fact that you actually aware of other disorders etc. and the fact that I could have been triggered from something in my past makes it even less understandable how you can't see your post/attitude as damaging. But it doesn't matter whether you were aware of those things or not.

I'm sorry if anyone misunderstand what I was saying but I never said I had PTSD or dismissed anything anyone was saying. I said I had the symptoms of ptsd but not the cause. I don't know what the other diagnoses are for someone who experiences ptsd symptoms but I just found the easiest way to explain what my symptoms were to say that they corresponded to those of ptsd (the symptoms not the cause) apart from the forgetting part of the memory or the memory being unclear. I found it easier and quicker to refer to what I experienced by saying that (I didn't think people would think I was saying I actually had ptsd because I didn't say that) and also I find it painful to talk about and describe how it felt so I did not say what my symptoms were explicitly but instead just said they correspond to those of ptsd which I have read. If you can't tell the difference between that and me saying that I have ptsd then I don't how else I can explain it. I understand it might not have been clear enough but I never said I had ptsd. Nor did I say I know what it feels like to be sexually abused!? I said I felt like I had been but that I can't imagine what it would actually feel like to be sexually abused. I simply describing how it felt. Similar to is not the same as saying i know what it's like and it's not my fault I felt like that I was just explaining it in the best way I knew how whistle also trying to reiterate that I am not trying to say I know what it's like and even apologised (likely because I am used to being made guilty over everything anyway an genuinely didn't want to upset anyone of course or for anyone to misunderstand). Also, when I said 'no one understands' I wasn't referring to people on here and i'm sorry if the people who were actually being supportive thought it was directed at them? And no of course I don't want ptsd what on earth.

Thanks for the actual advice and to others but no thanks for the shaming, blaming and borderline bullying.

Since I am standing up for myself by saying what I think which disagrees with you, I of course expect I will be misjudged even more and told I am 'trolling'. I was just going to not post anything and I think this is likely a mistake but this type of attitude makes me really sad and I find it disturbing in general and sad that people who have suffered actually turn on others who say they have suffered and say they are 'trolling' or lying etc. and misunderstand them. You'd think there was of that kind of attitude already with people taking the attitude of 'it's not that bad it could have been therefore I blame you and you lying about who you feel etc. etc.' and if you can't see how your post corresponds to that attitude then I don't know what else to say to you. I am just thinking that if it was done to someone else and not me then I would want to stand up for them and say what I think of it so I am trying to imagine that and speak up this time.

Giving me advice in the thread and trying to help as well and having suffered worse traumas yourself doesn't give you free reign to shame, blame and bully others by the way.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, Lyra. I'm the administrator on the board, and because you are a guest, not a member, you probably haven't read much about the site. So I'm going to address some things.

First: it's a shame that you only picked up on the very beginning if @EveHarrington's post - because the rest of it is very, very important and great advice. Seriously, you should read it.

How does that make your post okay? So it's my fault for for 'failing' to disclose a past trauma

Absolutely everyone is entitled to their opinion here, even the ones that make us uncomfortable.

I'd think you'd understand how damaging you did is to someone.

Individuals are responsible for their own response. You can't defend a random 'someone' who may be upset - and, if they get upset, that's a useful opportunity for them to work through how it happened. Ultimately, we cannot control/determine what the world does - we can only shape how we respond to it. That's an important concept here, and everywhere.

I'm sorry if anyone misunderstand what I was saying but I never said I had PTSD or dismissed anything anyone was saying. I said I had the symptoms of ptsd but not the cause. I don't know what the other diagnoses are for someone who experiences ptsd symptoms but I just found the easiest way to explain what my symptoms were to say that they corresponded to those of ptsd (the symptoms not the cause) apart from the forgetting part of the Memory or the memory being unclear. I

Lyra, there were multiple posts from people trying to understand you and help you. You did dismiss, by ignoring. Very early on two things were mentioned:

1. You can't have 'PTSD symptoms' without having PTSD
2. Your event in the squat would not cause PTSD - but if you had past trauma, it could trigger PTSD.

You didn't respond to this information, just continued to say you had PTSD symptoms, and understood that the event in the squat couldn't cause PTSD....except you had all these symptoms.

People get frustrated.

If you can't tell the difference between that and me saying that I have ptsd then I don't how else I can explain it

You could have

• Asked what might be wrong (we can't diagnose, but are always happy to play armchair doc)
• Clued us in that you had prior trauma

Regarding trolling: we get people visiting the site who believe they have PTSD from events that might have been scary, but are simply not big-T Trauma. So your repeated insistence that you somehow had all these symptoms, without responding to early, early information in the thread - it gives the appearance that it doesn't really matter what anyone says to you.

And we don't like to compare trauma here - but sometimes it's necessary to provide context so people understand the difference between small trauma (traumatic experiences) and Trauma (of a specific type).

Plus, you never signed up. I honestly thought you might be trolling, too.

If you want to become a member, you really are welcome - but we are done approving your posts as a guest. I hope you got something useful out if this thread, either way.

 

[Silver.]

@EveHarrington replied to you after the fact, as you are not a registered member, so she hadn't seen the other posts.
People often come here to troll the forums, I don't know why, but it makes them feel better to shame those with PTSD, that is what Eve is referring to, as that happens a lot. She had a right to feel that way, as at first, it came across you were doing as such.
(after more posts, clearly not, but again, the posts don't come through immediately when someone is a guest)
I think it would be of help for you to register here, instead of being a guest, not just so your posts will show up immediately, and avoid confusion, but so that you may gain benefit from the full forum. People have pointed out that there is Post Traumatic Stress, without the disorder, which would be worth talking to your doctor with.
The best advice I can give is to seek a doctor.
Take Care

 

[Laurie2001]

Thank you for your reply.

I feel like the situation was out of the experience of everyday life (? for me it felt...

Hi, lyratheowl - it sounds like you had a scary experience. The good news is, you very likely didn'...

Actually, I think your experience does fit with PTSD. Not everyone's fits like a glove. I don't think it was an everyday experience at all. It sounds horrible and the denial of your boyfriend, lack of support, alcoholism, etc increased feelings of terror. It wounds like you felt terrified a lot of the time. And it sounds like this man was pretty terrifying. And it was ongoing. And you felt trapped. Those are prescriptions for PTSD, but whether that's the diagnosis or not it was traumatic (!) and your feelings are valid and justified!! I think you can trust your feelings - you knew it was a very bad situation and there was something very wrong with this man and perhaps quite dangerous even if nothing happened. And the sex with the fear and hearing the man is very disturbing. Not to mention getting locked out of your apartment - or room. I'd definitely seek out counseling.
You deserve support validation and help sorting through this. And help not dismissing your feelings. Good luck and I'm really sorry you had to go through this.