I will do it myself thank you

[mumstheword]

I have struggled with this all my life.

Because I had so many children and got deathly ill I was forced to go to services for help. Could never dream of asking family, for good reason.

I hold true to the red words "Ask and you shall receive" but asking is scary and risky and a very hard thing to do. I now have someone caring in my life though and I'm learning the practice, but it's still hard and scary and I have a lot of resistance and avoid asking for anything "too big". Things like "could you pick some parsley from the garden, please?" When I am cooking a meal or "can you get that bottle down for me?" (he is very tall and we have a high shelf, feel like ok requests but anything beyond that? Still very scary, risky, avoided if possible. He tells me I don't ask my children to do enough and I know that's true, but ....years of brokenness, abuse, neglect, submissiveness, and too many untended-to traumas have taken a big toll.

Giving and helping when asked? No problem at all, so, so happy to help, except not for abusers anymore.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

@Xena yep! I love helping people but never ask for help. It makes me feel real...

Thankyou and I shall....

Xena I am so sorry to hear that you are sick with the flu. I know you cannot win sometimes and I do know h...

Thankyou rain.... I appreciate your help and of course your kind words of wisdom

I have struggled with this all my life.

Because I had so many children and got deathly ill I was...

It's shit ain't that a basic human need.. Help... Should be abused by people... Well I offer my help mumstheword If you ever need it...

 

[mumstheword]

It's shit ain't that a basic human need.. Help... Should be abused by people... Well I offer my help mumst...

That's really, really lovely of you @Xena ! Thank you for the offer! :-)
I hope you are getting better too. Flu sucks.

 

[Supervixn]

I don't know how to accept help, am suspicious of ulterior motives when it is offered.

Me too. Sounds like a lot of us.... theories, anyone? Is it a vulnerability issue, a trust issue, something else, a combo? Where does this problem with accepting help come from, why are we so helpful despite it?

 

[New]

@Supervixn great questions. I have always believed one of my spiritual gifts is to help others because it feels good and I love it.

I have no clue why I hate asking for help or receiving it. I know my T wishes I was better at it.

Maybe we would rather help others so we can focus on them and not ourselves as a way of avoiding our own issues.

I do think trust does play a big part too. Or if it is someone I love and trust I am too ashamed because I feel like they have to go through enough of my PTSD roller coasters.

Anybody else?

 

[freebird]

can't tolerate orders

Same. Been self-employed for this reason. Also cannot ask for help because I don't want to get taken advantage of because I suck at standing up for myself.

But also, I find that when I set the right boundaries for myself, I attract people who respect those boundaries, and in turn can give help, get help, without fear of becoming a doormat.

Still a challenge though. On the road to finding my tribe lol.

Hoping you feel better soon @Xena. Also recovering from the flu. I also want to thank you because you were one of the first people that heard me here *hugs*. Drink plenty of fluids and sleep as much as you can, and do some good self-care. You deserve it.

 

[Gamereign555]

Yes I have trouble accepting help. I feel that I am not good enough if I agree to that. From people I really care about the most I have trouble accepting money even if I earned it.

I used to have this issue with just about everyone. I think I’ve gotten better though and it is mostly just with people I’m closest with.

I recall one occasion where I was at a department store and they had some sales promoter trying to sell some kind of goods with the promise of something free.

Of course I fell for that and attended this ridiculous meeting. The free item was some tiny stupid thing and the item they were really advertising and trying to push off onto us was much more expensive. It was some kind of heating pad system for relaxing sore muscles which I was really interested in being a farm worker and being sore all the time.

I was poor at the time and could not afford it. I felt disappointed and was about to walk away from the meeting when one of the women there attending in the crowd offered to actually buy the product for me to have for myself.. she knew I felt bad and let down.

Instead of graciously and with gratitude accepting the offer I walked away after saying no thanks I didn’t really want it… But that was a lie.
I should have felt lucky.
I should have thought wow something like this doesn’t happen very often and they probably have a lot of money and this offer could be nothing to them but a good deed for the day.

And still for whatever reason I couldn’t accept it. I don’t know exactly if it was pride or some kind of attention that I just didn’t want and so I just walked away. I recall being upset upon exiting the store.

I kept thinking to myself “what is wrong with me? And why am I feeling this way?” It all seemed a bit over-the-top and overly emotional for what it was.

I was scared that she saw me Volvo at that very moment she realized I didn’t have the money. I wasn’t worthy. I did not deserve it.

I have gotten better. I had to practice it. That’s the way I was raised I feel this way because my childhood.
I was withheld food. I was locked in my room all the time. I was not included in some of the family events, did not eat at the table with the rest of the kids. Things happened and nobody believed me.

I have had to remember that I am safe now. None of that is reality anymore. I have to practice knowing that I am worthy.

 

[MyWillow]

I don’t want to be beholden to anyone. I have a history of being offered help or something precious (to me) by my parents and having it withdrawan just as I felt hopeful. Or given it or even paid for it and have it used against me as a guilt trip forever more. Probably the only reason I have survived the attachment traps of therapy. It’s a professional relationship in my eyes.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Multitudes I’ve just learned to never ask for help from my family, yet they’ve ask me for help many times. I did have one friend that I could ask help from, but it was hard to ask. That friendship dissolved.

I used to be a HUGE giver. I LOVED to give. I enjoyed being there for others and doing things for others. I loved holidays and loved giving. Never wanted anything in return. Now, I just don’t give. Of myself or anything anymore.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Same. Been self-employed for this reason. Also cannot ask for help because I don't want to get taken a...

Thankyou freebird... Always happy to listen, offer support possible help.....

 

[Multitudes]

Now, I just don’t give. Of myself or anything anymore.

Is that you up ahead, @Xena? I'm the guy staggering up the path toward Hermitville a little way behind you. :rolleyes:

I admit that I'm not far off of disassociating from Humanity altogether - events push me in that direction.. what makes me me, keeps shoving me back to help someone again.
I guess that, unless something changes for the better, I'll just have to wait this one out and see what happens.

That said, I really feel the need to give you a :hug:

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Is that you up ahead, @Xena? I'm the guy staggering up the path toward Hermitvill...

Thankyou...... A hug is always nice.....