I feel your frustration and I know exactly what you are feeling. Its hard not to take it personal...
You're certainly not the only one! I'm sorry you're having a bad day...it is nice to have this site though, for support.
It's good that he has opened up to you somewhat...that's healthy. Mine has mentioned several times in the last couple of weeks that he is a "coward". He really couldn't be more wrong, but that's how they see it.
They do isolate to protect us and themselves. I know that with my dad, his PTSD didn't make him isolate as much as experience terrible rage. He was mean and abusive when he would have an episode. When he wasn't, he was one of the best loving dads in the world....it just really makes no sense.
I know that for me, knowing he is getting PTSD specific treatment this time, I believe that it will be different from this point forward. I really don't mind the isolation as long as I have at least a little warning first. I don't know what will happen, but I'm pretty optimistic. He doesn't talk to me every day, and that's okay...but he does at least text me once a night to say goodnight. We decided a long time ago that if he can do that, I know he's still trying. It's funny that something so small could mean so much.
One of the biggest reasons he is pushing me away is because he's having a particularly bad episode for himself right now, and we were scheduled to be married next April. It was stressing him out more. So now that's off....I don't know if we will ever get married or not, but what I do know is that now is not the time to make that sort of decision.
I think that is the root of what I hate most about this....that PTSD makes it impossible to plan for anything. When it rears it's ugly head, everything else gets put on hold. I've said it before, I'll say it again...I want to knock PTSD's teeth out! That's what it gets for rearing it's ugly head and raining on my otherwise happy parade!
The thing is, I've dealt with it literally my entire life. I can't get away from it no matter what I decide, so why not stay in an otherwise great relationship. It gets easier to deal with the cycles every time....at least for me. I have put in a lot of effort to give myself coping mechanisms for the cycles. The only hard part is that the people in my life don't understand and give me a bit of a hard time. They think they're being supportive or helping me, I guess....but it couldn't be further from the truth. I really don't need to hear, "You shouldn't be a doormat", and "Why do you let him do this to you", "you should find someone that treats you better", "you deserve more". I know they're trying to be supportive, I guess, but what I really need is...."do what you think is right" or "wow, he's lucky to have such a strong, supportive woman" or "he must be really special for you to be willing to wait for him". That's how I feel about it.
Any of our closest friends have a hard time believing he leaves when he does, because during the "normal" times our relationship is rather healthy. We have a lot of consideration for each other's needs and wants. We are respectful of one another, so I know that it will be okay. I think sometimes because of this, he thinks he's sacrificing for me when he "breaks" things off...it really doesn't though.I guess that's the next thing we will have to work on when he's back to a better phase of the cycle.
But thank you for the insight....it really is helpful to know that someone else gets it. Thank you very much!
