i wish i could dissociate forever

[mylunareclipse]

I have been doing so well in the last few weeks, and instead here I am a dissociated mess all day...just sitting here in my chair unable to get up, move on, say words, do work. Must be the flashbacks I don't dare mention to anyone (not even admit to myself) of yesterday and today...
And yet it feels so calm. Not having to do anything. Not having to feel anything. Sometimes I wish I could just dissociate forever... no need to ever get out of this state. Maybe that would close me in a hospital...and I would sit in a chair and stare into space forever... I just wish I could escape.

 

[Kubash16]

:hug: I get this.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Safest place I know is dissociation.
But I’m also told it’s not living, just existing.

Is there something/someone that makes you want to do more than just exist?

 

[mylunareclipse]

Ya I never realized. I used to fight dissociation a lot as I felt it didn’t allow me to continue with my daily work and dose of “achievement” but really dissociation feels sometimes like this safe place to hide into. The only problem with it seemingly that it has to end....if somehow i could dissociate forever I definitely would.
Also, what an escape from flashbacks and body memories dissociation can be at times. Staring into space so I don’t have to relive any more body memories...or think...but most of all the escape from the feelings.
I am telling myself I don’t need anything. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need to feel anything. I can just be a robot version of myself. But it doesn’t last. I wish it would.