General I Wish I Did Not Take His Problems Upon Myself So Much

[Everhopeful]

Every time I feel the need to write and vent here, I feel quite pathetic. I started out with such a bang, ever-optimistic, ever-hopeful when I first met my Sufferer. And all of my good intentions are being eroded away week by week, month by month as I witness my Sufferer husband having to face his horrific past, but then end up in a ball of pain and confusion. And nothing that I or anyone else does for him seems to make much of a difference to his deep despairing, suffering existence.

I married this man, he had nothing. No friends, no supportive family, no home, no income, no self-esteem - Nothing.

I rushed in where angels fear to tread. I think I have single-handedly been trying to heal him. What an ignorant and arrogant fool I have been. I mean well, but I impose whatever has worked for me in the past, on others.
When this man I have fallen in love with crashes before my very eyes, spends days in a dark room, contemplates suicide, medicates himself with tranquilizers and sleeping pills, goes off on a mission to walk around the countryside giving impromptu "motivational talks" to folks - then all I want to do is help. Organise therapy for him, make sure he has what he needs. Understand him and what he is going through. Research until I can research no more about whatever psychological ailments he may have.

The most recent revelation he made was that he was forced into an incestuous relationship with his mother from age 13 to 20. Prior to that, he had been sexually molested by a pedophile uncle (brother of his mom). Apparently, his mom had sold him for sex with this man. Then, when my Sufferer started developing physically into a good looking young man, she became the sexual predator and it turned into such a distorted relationship.

It was the only way he could receive love from his mother and he ended up craving the new turn in their mother-son relationship. Prior to that, he had only been rejected and taunted by her.

After this most recent revelation, my Sufferer has just plummetted again. Mentally and physically he is down in the depths of self-hatred and despair.

He does not have work and most days, he just sits around at the house, trying to keep busy.

I did not want to fail him after the most recent traumatic and painful revelation, so I asked him if he wanted to speak to a therapist again and he seemed to be in agreement. The therapist is what is called a "pastoral therapist" who also touches on existential issues and soul / spirit ailments. I thought in my (lack of) wisdom, that a person like this would fully understand the painful depths of incest trauma and be able to help contain my Sufferer in his dire state.

This latest therapy has turned into something it was never intended to be: couples counselling. Last week, I found myself having to talk about our marital relationship and I felt that the whole point of the therapy was being missed. I found myself saying things in frustration, like how "hard" it is to live with my Sufferer.

That type of stuff, I would rather disclose privately and not let my Sufferer hear how damn hard this is all for me.

Tonight we have another appointment booked, but my Sufferer has become ill with flu for the 5th time in 6 months, and has been lying in bed medicating himself with an entire box of painkillers overnight. Just retreating again into his dark space, not communicating much with me.

So now once again, all my best intentions have gone out the window, and I am trying to establish whether I should contact the therapist and try to cancel tonight's appointment. I am not getting any feedback at all from my Sufferer husband. And I'll be damned if I end up going to therapy alone, and then get accused of "siding with the therapist".

But if I do cancel tonight, and it ends up that my Sufferer suddenly decides that he wants to go, then I will be accused of taking all the decisions into my own hands again.

Damnit, I have to give the therapist adequate notice if we need to cancel tonight - what part of that does my Sufferer not understand?! Once again, I am doing all the work on my own and worrying about everything and taking responsibility for everything.

And yet, I know that my Sufferer is just a shell of a person at this stage. Unable to function, unable to look after himself appropriately, unable to sleep without meds. Unable to engage with this cruel world which he keeps on saying he does not want to be part of any more.

I feel so sad and sorry for him. His life seems like utter purgatory. Whether someone caring like me is in the picture or not - does it even make a difference at all to his distress?!

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

Many words of wisdom given to me from friends on this site and my therapist that specializes in this trauma, "take care of yourself first". I finally had to look inward at myself and am in the process of letting go. Believe me you can't fix it for him. Your story and words are very familiar to me. I recently started reading information on codependency, that was very useful. Hang in there and start building your own bridge for your life.

 

[arfie]

As much as I wish somebody could fix me, it really is an inside job. Ya gots to walk that lonesome valley by yourself.

My husband and I developed a little ritual I call, "Driving Wifey to Help." When he starts taking charge of my issues, I go collect my shoes, etc., and let him know I am ready for the drive to the emergency room or whatever solution he is forcing this week. The last few times he took the bait he was the one they wanted to hospitalize.

The times he hugs me, cracks and all, and assures me I can do this are priceless. They are why I pay the price of the fix it rituals.

 

[nursenurse]

Wow. You have done so much for your sufferer, but it is high time to take a back seat and let him figure a few things out on his own, hard to do. You married him with the best of intentions, but I fear for all the wrong reasons. He needs professional help, and I think more than a therapist. Has he seen a proper psychiatrist, been given a proper diagnosis? You can't do it for him, and it seems you are not getting much out of this relationship. No healthy soul wants to be felt sorry for. Your relationship does not sound healthy or balanced, and I think you both need help. Good luck, take care of yourself first and foremost.

 

[pandora]

Hes lucky to have someone love and support him but I feel how difficult it is for you...maybe individual counselling for you would help.

 

[Toria]

Looking after yourself, as said previously, is - I believe - the only thing you can do right now. Your husband sounds to be in a very bleak place and you are such a good person for trying to help him. But you cannot help him if you allow him to drag you down with him. I think you maybe need to see a Dr for yourself - tell them EVERYTHING and then put yourself in their hands; be in therapy or medication. Once you are in a better place then you are better placed to help him and to try and help him out of his hole. I do agree 100% with nursenurse - has he seen a "proper" psychiatrist?

Sending you the very, very best of wishes (and a big hug!) x

 

[LizardViolet]

Chiming in to say

- I doubt that pastoral counseling can heal trauma. Your husband needs to see a therapist with expertise in trauma. I personally am partial to EMDR and that works for a lot of people, but not for everyone.

- Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Go get your own therapist, perhaps. Do what you need to do for yourself to keep your shit together, to be happy now and then, to heal yourself, to vent your frustration in a place other than on your husband.

- Above all else, as a supporter, I try to practice compassion and detachment. Compassion for his suffering, but detachment because you are not the boss of him, he makes his own choices, he walks his own path. You walk beside him, but you are not him.

 

[Everhopeful]

Thank you everyone for your caring responses, which I am only getting to read today. Some points for me to ponder there. I realise I have a problem with codependency and anyone who has issues of their own can hook someone like me into a drama triangle and I swoop in to rescue any "victims" in my path. I am humbled to realise that it is a certain type of arrogance (on my part) to want to fix someone's life for them. And in addition to that, that I am avoiding confronting my own issues.

I am awakening to the fact that all anyone can ever do for anyone else (speaking adult to adult here) is validate them, and care for them and offer sincere friendship and support. The rest is up to the other person.

So, I am detaching with love. I am trying to look inward into my own soul and make sense of how I am, how I got to be like this. And what now? And what am I hiding from, what am I suppressing?

My husband is under psychiatric care, he is on Bipolar meds, as well as Suboxone for opioid deficiency.

I think he never wanted to disclose the full extent of his past to me, but during the course of our marriage things have just surfaced to his memory and he has been compelled to confront his life. I am horrified at the type of experiences some people have had to go through as children. I am disgusted and angered at how some people treat their offspring. The damage it leaves behind for that individual is astronomical and they have to deal with it for their entire life, that is if they can even find a way to want to carry on living.

Anyway, I am working on accepting that it is not up to me to make everything good for someone that others have damaged for him.

I hope I can still carry on supporting with love and compassion, whilst detaching myself from my old familiar "rescuer" role on that oh so familiar "drama triangle".