I wish i never trusted my therapist

[Efa]

Good luck and let us know how you go. What huge progress you have made.

 

[Itip]

Ah so sad. Talked to my therapist today about maybe seeing someone else and that was it. Aha said sure and that she can help me find someone else if I wish. I felt so frozen and so sad. I feel so torn about leaving.
I think I'm probably reading too much into it, but it definitely felt a bit weird how ready she was to help me love on. Maybe she has been feeling the same about me leaving all this time and felt relieved? It stung a little I guess. Another failed relationship in my life. I guess it kind of took away the excitement I had about finding a new therapist. Maybe it's just not meant to work out for me.

 

[Jage]

So sorry to read that, it hurts very much, I've been there :hug:

 

[Fuvatu]

Another failed relationship in my life. I guess it kind of took away the excitement I had about finding a new therapist. Maybe it's just not meant to work out for me.

Nope. That was actually the best response possible for her to give you. The most professional & the most caring.

It's not like a boyfriend/girlfriend offering to find you a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Far more like a coach or a teacher offering to help you find a new coach or teacher. Not because you suck, but because you need to learn different things than they can teach you. Moving on can be a proud moment. Ready for new challenges.

 

[Itip]

I agree that in some ways it was caring. It just felt weird because I was the one to suggest leaving. It just happened so quick. By the end of the session good byes had been said and best moments remembered and then that was it. I can't help but wonder what I could have done different. Maybe I need to pause for some time and think things over. It still hurt. But ya she was professional. I was just wondering if she'd miss me anyway. I told her in the end I would miss her and she said she would miss me too.

 

[Tuzus]

I agree that in some ways it was caring. It just felt weird because I was the one to suggest leaving. It just happened so...

This would not be a good leaving for me AT ALL. You are handling it way better than me. I have severe love sickness and if a conversation about my looking for another counselor went like this conversation within a 40 minute session--with goodbyes said?!?! Wow is all I can say. Yes, I'd be suicidal. this may sound dramatic, but I know myself. I had similar conversation with my current counselor more than once. If I did leave we (at the counselor's suggestion) would "taper off" the sessions until the "good bye" and even then the door was open for later if I wanted to stay in contact for check ups. This approach let the lid off my boiling pot of emotions, so I didn't boil over into a disaster. I'm so, so sorry this counselor was like this! I guess it just shows that it really was a failed relationship---but you weren't the one that failed! You're counselor did! The counselor must make an effort, too. It isn't all one sided. I'm so sorry and I hope you can find a counselor that you can do real 'work" with.

 

[Itip]

Oh thank you!

I haven't been doing so great in the last few days. Randomly bursting into tears and feeling suicidal. Just wondering where I went wrong and why I didn't deserve her care?

I am glad you seem to have a good therapist. I can only dream that one day the same will be true for me. I always thought how hard can it be for a therapist to like and be kind to their patient? But apparently I did a great job at staying invisible.

Even though this was honestly what I wanted I was a little bit shocked that she kept going back to how she can email me names of other therapists etc, while I kept talking about how sad this situation made me.

There's only few minutes left and she is asking me again about insurance etc and what kind of therapist she should suggest. .Then she said she hoped she made it a bit easier for me terminate.

I know you say my therapist failed, but I am not so sure about that. Maybe some us are not meant to be liked or cared about, not even by therapsits. Maybe you envoke something strong in your therapist so she care about you. I am just really good at being invisible so maybe she just got tired of me.

 

[Cuvuta]

Sounds like your therapist is either poorly trained or needs to do a lot of work on herself. Seriously I have had quite a few therapists who have made me feel worse. I also did a Mastered in Counselling myself. I realised that I was to damaged to help others and needed to sort myself out. The reason I mention this is because it was a small group of about 20 people who became therapists. During the course we got to know others on the course well. Many of us were very f*cked up imo. However most went on to practice as therapists. What I'm trying to say to you is therapists are not gods. They don't have all the answers. Some of them might not even be nice people. This was a difficult lesson for me to learn. Of course I always doubted myself and my observations and my feelings. I was always responsible for anything bad. I must be wrong!
Trust your feelings. The way your therapist worked in your last session was unprofessional and dangerous. It doesn't sound like her style was helping you prior to this. You have done nothing wrong. You were brave and addressed the issues. The therapist didn't respond well.
For me a therapist is like choosing a partner. Not all of them will be good for me. If it doesn't work move on till you find one that works.

 

[Uhal]

Oh thank you!

I haven't been doing so great in the last few days. Randomly bursting into tears and feeling suicidal. Jus...

Well, my counselor is handling this situation of me saying "should I stay or should I go" pretty OK. Let me tell you though, this is not the case with other issues! there have been some hurtful mistakes on my counselors part, in my opinion. The trauma work makes it so, so hard. You are worth care; don't let these blunders on this women's part make you feel otherwise! Here's hoping a new start to a new relationship will go well.

 

[Uhal]

Well, my counselor is handling this situation of me saying "should I stay or should I go" pretty OK. Let me tell you thou...

oh and I am very familiar with those feelings of "there must be something about me that makes me tiring, or invisible, or boring, or not worth it" I'm guessing those feelings and thoughts are from the trauma.

 

[Itip]

Thank you so much for your responses.
It still hurts so much.
We put so much trust in these people. Open our hearts on their insistence and then this happens.
It's been almost two weeks now and the rejection hurts.
Why didn't she like me? How will anyone ever like me then?

 

[Uhal]

Ok so my situation with T has now changed in just one day, to being rejecting and putting me in outrageous anxiety. so I understand your horrible feelings of being rejected. The things my T said hurt so bad it's been days and I'm almost non functional. What I'm trying to do is use these feelings of rejection and identify each place these were created in me, asking myself, "how do I feel" what happened and was that fair to me. I was never allowed to have emotions, so I'm allowing the outrageous emotions to fly out of me. I'm obsessing on it, and I'm allowing the obsessions. I'm challenging the beliefs that I'm not worthy or something is wrong with me. I'm asking if what happened witih this T happened to someone else what would I feel toward their therapist . The answer is pissed off for that other person. It isn't fair. I;m doing therapy on myself. Then I start to wail that I'm alone in this world and it wil be that way forever. So then I challenge those thoughts again after I'd about 4 hours of wailing. As some point I have to ask myself what do I want? Do I want to feel this way? I have to realize no one is coming to my rescue ever. No one is going to see my need and help me. At some point and I don't know when, I just have to say f*ck it to all of this and go get what I want. So easier said than done, because mixed in to all these feelings I have to deal with self harm suicidal guilty feelings. So I'm in this pattern for days of despair, rejection, challenge-challenge-challenge, then I have some up time reach out to well adjusted people, then despair, suicicdal feelings, tempations to drink self harm, challenge challenge challenge, go for awalk do art, As long as I can get a few minutes of challenging in I seem to be moving forward not backward. But the pain. I hear ya. it hurts like hell. Makes me want to go on an anti-childhood abuse campaign. it's so horrible.
Did I read earlier though that she said you could come back? Maybe those thoughts that she doesn't care need challenged. Perhaps your feelings are not reality. Is there evidence to support that she does care? Perhpas she just can't reach in there and fix it. She doesn't have the right personality to feel like she cares to you, but she does. She has own issues she is dealing with??? I don't know if therapy is healthy, causing me to want this care from a paid counselor--who is not g-d, just a person with their bag of problems. . I have to just take care of myself, nurture myself, and forget these therapists. Sorry I'm no help today! I'm ain my own mode of being abanndoned and rejected by my counselor.