I Wish I Was Dead

[8888]

My therapist doesn't want me to talk about my trauma anymore, she thinks I'm obsessing over it. (I do have OCD). My mother is pressuring me into reporting my abuse. My father doesn't seem to get PTSD. I feel like I have no support. I have constant panic attacks. This is no way to live. I wish I was dead. I won't kill myself but I wish God would just take me away.

 

[Lucycat]

@8888 I am so sorry that you are having a tough time. I can see that your therapist does not want you to obsess about the trauma - but what alternative is she offering. Surely he has given you strategies for trying to change your negative thought patterns? When I was first diagnosed with Complex PTSD I could do nothing but think about the trauma - every waking minute and in my dreams too. It is called intrusive thoughts. But with time - and for me EMDR I was able to push those thoughts away - not all the time but more often than not.

As for being pressured into reporting - it has to be your choice. By all means think it through but make your own decisions and don't be bullied into other peoples ideas.

I am sorry that your father does not understand PTSD. Unfortunately many people don't. It is a hard concept if you have no experience.

Have you any real life friends that you can share your concerns with - or even pass the time doing other things - anything - that takes your mind of trauma for just a little while.

 

[Forgetful]

Sorry, I have no advice to give. I just want you to know you're not alone.Although I am not currently suicidal I have felt that way for the majority of my life. What helps me is the desire to watch my grandchildren grow up. That desire out weighs the desire to die (most days).

Welcome to the forum. Keep posting. People here understand and truly care and want to help.

Hugs

 

[8888]

Thank you both! My therapist isn't offering any alternatives, that's the problem. Maybe I should look into EMDR. I don't have any real life friends, unfortunately. I do have one acquaintance but we haven't known each other very long so I don't want to tell her about my PTSD yet. I have a dog who I love, maybe I can use her to feel better like you do your grandchildren.

 

[hangingon]

I have been feeling the exact same way. I would not ever end my own life. But I have begged God to take me. I cannot imagine enduring 40+ more years of feeling how I feel now. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. I post positive quotes on Facebook, I have deleted negative or toxic people on Facebook & have weeded out negativity in any way I can. I pray daily. I'm trying to take one day at a time and I guess that's all we can do

 

[Thematrix]

@8888, I think it's not wanting to be dead, it's wanting to feel better and not be in pain right?

Support, real support is very important.

If you feel like you have no support, you are probably right. Next step, how do we find it?

its hard to come up with positive ideas when we don't feel well and we can't find the support we need.

Can you switch to a different therapist who is a better fit or better trained, who could be more helpful in providing coping skills? How about support groups for abuse and trauma, are there any around you?

Extreme self care, safety ( things that make you feel safe when you need them) , do you have a safety list?

Distractions, is there anything a movie, book, game or something that is a tiny bit helpful?

Crisis lines you could call if needed

Unless you are a minor, no one should tell you or make you report unless you decide you are ready

I am just throwing out ideas.

Sometimes I think about what I am grateful for today. Maybe it's silly or small..the sun is shining, I have food..

I am not sure if this is at all helpful, I hope you are having a better day and that you know you are not alone @8888

 

[Whyteferret]

Thank you both! My therapist isn't offering any alternatives, that's the problem. Maybe I should look int...

@8888
No real ideas here. You're not alone in this.

 

[OneToughCookie]

Thank you, @Lucycat . I had no clue that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts. At first I was avoiding thoughts of the trauma, so "fixed" that by facing the trauma constantly.

 

[The Albatross]

You acknowledge that you have OCD and are likely to obsess. What is your real difficulty... that you are not being indulged in your obsession or that you are not getting support? That seems to be a very sticky wicket/situation for me... one that would be worthy of more than three lines. Care to dig and share a bit more?

 

[8888]

Thank you everyone! Those are all great ideas Link Removed, thanks for posting all that. I'm seeing a new therapist next Wednesday.

I should dig. I also am on the autism spectrum and some people on the autism spectrum have a special interest, I'm starting to wonder if my trauma has not become mine :(. I hate to say this but I think I may like the attention it brings me. I'm on some other sites about my specific cause of PTSD (sexual abuse) and talk about my abuse a lot there. If only I had real life friends I could talk about general stuff with. I think I'm both obsessed and unsupported. I feel like I should say more but I don't know what else to say.

Edit- Thought of one more thing. I do think it's OCD because if I don't talk about my trauma for a while it's like it's not safe, as if something (such as OCD) is compelling me to talk about it.

 

[The Albatross]

Acknowledging feeling compelled, in conjunction with the professional feedback of thinking you're obsessing about it.... combined with "I may like the attention it brings me" sounds like a solid start.

 

[Thematrix]

8888, how are you doing?