I Wish Time Would Stop

[A-RON]

I just feel like everything is moving, but I'm not. I just want everything to pause so that I can readjust and then step out of it. There has to be some hidden dimension that I can slip into. We could then start counting the time. It seems like it would be so easy.

 

[cragger65]

My first impression is, that this would make great song lyrics. I believe there are more dimensions than this, I do. I'm not sure that's where we'd want to go, though. Unfortunately (or perhaps for our own good) this is the one we need to deal with. If we're lucky, we find a few people willing to help with that.

Do you have a psych?

 

[A-RON]

Song lyrics, eh? Yeah, I'll have to work on it.

I'm actually seeing a family doctor that apparently knows about PTSD. I'm going in for my second visit soon. I did have a counselor, but she was incompetent in my opinion. I told her I was anti-med, and then she stopped making suggestions and just listened. I wanted her to listen, but I also wanted her to help me, and she stopped when I told her I was anti-med. That was six months ago, but I think it might not be a bad idea. I really don't want to get hooked on something, though, and I'm kind of afraid to take medication. Anyway, I've had almost ten people in the last two months tell me they think I have PTSD, and I'm convinced that it is. It's kind of obvious after what happened. I just didn't have the label for it until now. All the symptoms line up exactly, but I haven't yet been diagnosed by a professional. My biggest issue is that I just shut down completely when I'm overloaded, or I get extremely defensive and want to have complete control over conversations. I've also been saying some very nasty things to my brothers and sisters, and even to my parents. I just don't know how else to interact with them at this point. I want them to listen and I also want them to understand, but they just say the wrong things. I kind of feel like I'm at a breaking point. I have so much garbage being thrown on me, and nobody seems to understand how heavy it is. It's not just internal issues I'm dealing with. I'm currently being sued for something that wasn't my fault. I have debts that I don't believe are a) enforceable, b) accurate, and c) mine. I recently ended my freelance design business that I was doing on the side (which is the only reason I decided to take the dumb retail job that I have now...for security). I'm about to lose my job and I have nowhere to go. I live in a van. I quit shaving. Even with the job, I make less money now than I have my entire adult life. I can't afford not to have health insurance if I'm going to fix my problems. I need counseling. I need something to change. At this point I'm kind of desperate. I want it to change, and that's why I've been yelling and screaming to my family. Even my friends have suggested PTSD, and they haven't even seen all the symptoms because I hold it all in around them. But what really bothers me is that I feel like a really needy, annoying little kid. I hate feeling pathetic and needy. If I were in anyone else's shoes, I would walk away from me. And damn it. I'm not rhyming.

 

[Luthien]

Wow A-RON.

That was quite the post. I hope getting it all out is helping.

All of the feelings and symptoms you mentioned I have been through myself.
It's so hard. Congratulations on finding this forum, and being so willing to open up. That is a very good thing, at least you are reaching out and looking for help.

Many of us take years to get to the point that you're at. I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for.

I too wish that time would just stop sometimes to make this process easier for me.

Wouldn't it be great to just pause the whole world, not have any other responisbilities, or worries, and just have the time to figure this thing called PTSD out? To have the time to heal, without having to go through life as well.

It's a nice thought, but not realistic. Life goes on, the worries pile up and we're still left to deal with the PTSD. It is awful but true. One thing I can say is that I have found this forum to be immensely helpful. I hope it is for you as well.

I really identify with your desparation, and feeling like a whiny needy kid. It just adds to the pain when we let ourselves think like that, though. I am learning to be kinder to myself, and realize that if I am whiny, and needy, it is because I need help and support. It sounds like you do too.

Good luck in your journey. I hope you can find a therapist, who can help you, and I hope you find what you need through this forum as well.

You are not alone.

Take care.

Also "and damn it, I'm not rhyming" Loved it!! Too funny.

 

[cragger65]

Sorry if my comment came across as glib. I had literally just finished reading your thread about song lyrics with impact (and I write a few songs myself) and so my mind was just in that space.

Anyway, I can relate to the money issue. After breaking my neck, I was financially dependant upon the people who pushed me over the edge in the first place. Nothing can impact you more than not knowing where your next meal is going to come from.

Is there any social assistance programs where you live? Here in Ontario, there is both natioanl (CPP) and province funded disability programs. They don't pay much, but it's a hell of a lot better than nothing. You would need to get diagnosed. I would imagine any such disability is going to require a doctor's stamp.

I feel for you man, I came pretty close to the homeless line myself more than once - it's very discouraging and unnerving. Kudos for hanging in there and even trying. You've got guts. I know your family doesn't understand, but remember their looking at everything from the vantage point of standing on solid ground. It really is impossible for non-PTSD sufferers to even imagine in their wildest, darkest dreams how bad it really feels. Hang tough, man. We got your back.

Dave

PS. I'm also a little whack today because I had about a 5 hour conversation with my buddy Doug last night on such topics as the nature of light, compared with the nature of thought (the only two things that are both particle and wave) and communication with the dead. I haven't talked to him since summer, and he says I'm the only person he can talk to about this shit because everyone else just looks at him like he's crazy. Which honestly, he is a little ;P Dougie's a little different, but I guess, so am I.

 

[patrick]

"such topics as the nature of light, compared with the nature of thought" Jeepers. My conversation with my friend last night had to do with the relative merits of oysters vs chicken livers...oh, and good recipes for both.

 

[Luthien]

I was thinking it was a pretty deep conversation too...LOL.
If you could follow along with it, you must be some kind of super genius.

I have been medically tested and given genius level scores on two types of intelligence tests, but I couldn't do it...so wow. I'm surprsed you can think at all today..lol.

 

[fin]

LMAO....hey....My conversation last night....Kibble and meat - With my dog; and she was finding it difficult trying to get her point across to me while I was standing in the kitchen not being able to remember what I had gone in there for....

......seriously not trying to be funny in a bad way. no offence is meant by it...**.its just in the midst of reading this thread there is this light...this humour and it made me smile for the first time in a while -THANKYOU

Ahhh I miss those days of evening quantum physics chats and

Am loving this forum for the show of solidarity here :Hug_emoticon:

I dont know if its ok to leave this here am worried about maybe offending but it really isnt meant like that....actually ...
Am cool A-RON I know has a sense of humour i read his post in mine am cool sorry

 

[Dylan]

Hi A-Ron,

I can really relate to wanting time to stop. So much of my life I felt like I was several steps behind - and unfortunately life isn't like hopscotch where a player can simply skip a step or two. There's always been this sense of, "Just WAIT a second!" And I'm actually considered a pretty strong Type A, so it's strange, but I've felt that way most of my life.

I remember watching a Twilight Zone a long time ago where this guy found a stop-watch and could actually do that very thing - stop time. This guy used the frozen time to steal and such, but I would like to just be able to catch my breath and, well, catch up. If I could be granted one super power.....

-Dylan

 

[cragger65]

Fin and Luthien, I'm glad I could (unwittingly) bring a smile. Seriously, my friend is different than anyone you'rve EVER met. My "genius" can't hold a candle to this guy ;P

Now in the "odd" department, I think I give him a pretty good go ;P

 

[fin]

brilliant cragger... absolutely brilliant I was just turning in -its 2 am here, and was feeling pretty crap and you just made my day.

Excellent thankyou
~fin

Now in the "odd" department, I think I give him a pretty good go ;P