I'd Like To Be Brave And Be Able To Share

[Muruluisku]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here but seeing how bravely everyone here shares their experiences, thoughts and feelings makes me want to give it a go and see if it helps...

It's sad that most of you also know what it's like having floods of bad memories and stuggling with them. Although I wouldn't wish it for anyone it's kind of nice to know Im not alone and you guys understand.

I've got mixed feelings about the little girl that got hurt. Some days I'm okay hearing her and I can be pretty childish some days.. I guess it's her getting the attention then. Other days I don't like her at all and feel frustrated with myself and my stupid head for remembering and getting distracted.

I struggle to concentrate so I'm not very productive at work, I'm jumpy and on edge a lot, freaking out when people around me drink alcohol or get loud. And some of my ways to cope with things aren't that healthy.

I like to listen to music, play my accordion and soak in the bath to relax.. Although when I don't feel safe I tend to keep busy doing chores or exercise so that I'm good and give no reason for any more baddies to hurt me. I should know that I'm safe now cause I am, but when I get worried or stressed it doesn't feel safe to relax. It's a bit of a vicious cycle :(

I'm really struggling with nightmares. After I've had a nightmare I'm too scared to go to sleep, then the next evening I'm worried about going to sleep and then end up having another nightmare... Then I start avoiding sleeping and the cycle only breaks once I've completely exhausted myself and fall asleep without even trying, or get physically sick and run down and have to stay in bed for a while.

Hoping it'll get easier when I get to talk to you...

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Muruluisku and welcome to the forum!

I must say that when I found this place I too was so pleased to learn that I was not alone :). I spent many years thinking I was the only person in the world with this problem, and it is great to find a place where you 'fit in' - even anonymously and at a distance.

All you say - nightmares, fear of sleep but needing it so badly, poor concentration and being jumpy - I've had all that. But over time it is getting much better.

I envy you being able to play the accordion. That was one of my childhood ambitions. However I am simply not musical, so have to just enjoy other people's achievements!

I look forward to hearing more from you, when you feel ready!

Regards
Lucy x

 

[Muruluisku]

Thanks for the warm welcome Lucy :)

It is so nice to know that you (and others here) understand the struggles with unwanted memories and other side effects of the abuse.

And thanks for your kind comment about my accordion playing... Music is my respite, whether it's singing, playing or listening :)

I feel that if I could share my story here with all you kind people, maybe I would be brave enough to find help in real life.

<3: Muru

 

[cherryblossom]

@Muruluisku Welcome to the forum. :wave: