Identifying Triggers In My Workplace, A Hospital

[Periwinkle Blue]

I started a new job a few months ago, in a hospital. I've worked in healthcare most of my life, but this is my first hospital setting. I don't have direct patient contact, but I do see patients throughout the day. I don't feel they trigger me.

I have been feeling triggered every day, but I haven't been able to identify what it is that is triggering me. I feel a sense of apprehension when I walk through the doors and generally feel tense and jumpy throughout my shift. When I leave, I feel fearful, especially when walking to my car. I feel if I could put my finger on it, I could work through it, but I haven't been able to pinpoint it.

To add to the fun, I started working a shift with a co-worker who is borderline verbally abusive and passive aggressive. We've already had to meet with management to "resolve our differences". I've worked with a lot of difficult people in the past and always found a way to work with them or at least around them, but she just seems angry and that may or may not have something to even do with me (she won't verbalize if it is me).

I wish it was as easy as saying, "Oh, when I walk through the emergency department, I feel more anxious", but I haven't been able to do that. I even feel anxious walking to the cafeteria.

Any tips on identifying the triggers (aside from my co-worker)? I've had to get Ativan so I don't cry at work.

 

[blue.eyes]

Hi, Sorry to hear about the new triggers. Can you journal the events of the day? Maybe if you write them down, over time you can identify a pattern. The days when you are triggered might have a common denominator to them. Even though you've been ok with other work conflicts, maybe it was your bosses behavior (did she take you seriously or leave you feeling more vulnerable to the behavior of that coworker?) or maybe it has something to do with a unique aspect of the abusive coworker's behavior.

I don't journal but have recently identified something really triggering to me at my job. It was when people were deceptive, especially my boss. That was related to past traumas where someone close to me 'lured' me and tricked me. It took me a few weeks to figure this out.

I know what you mean about crying at work. When I get triggered, for some reason, tears pour from my eyes while I'm having a panic attack and other disrupting symptoms.

Hoping for better days ahead for you.

 

[Friday]

Certain places have feels to them. I've worked in a few hospitals, and some are amazing, and others make me want to slit my own throat... They just feel awful.

Same is true of almost anywhere... Whether it's an amazing library or a horribly depressing and bleak library.

Sometimes it's as simple as architecture. The building itself just has a bad vibe to it. The lighting, airflow, etc., is just off/wrong. (Or it reminds me of somewhere). Sometimes the space itself is amazing, but the cleaning products or the people or the ambient noise. Could be any one of a hundred things.

Smell is one of the most subtle and pervasive things. As an experiment, try sticking something under your nose. Whether it's perfume or camphor, changing the way a place smells? Can drastically alter how I perceive it.

 

[Periwinkle Blue]

Journaling is probably my best bet to figure out what's going on. Thank you for that suggestion! I am working on getting back into therapy, but my current insurance has a high deductible and I am still trying to get caught up on the basic bills.

As an experiment, I'm going to go to another hospital and walk around and see if I feel similar anxiety. I know what you mean, FridayJones, about some places just feeling bad. This may be one of them. I don't feel anxious outside of work (except sometimes during the drive home), so I don't think it's internal. I may be applying for another job at another hospital, so I'd like to get it figured out. Is it hospitals, THAT hospital, or just what?

I realized I probably should have included some of my trauma sources in my post and maybe someone could help me make a connection. Here are some of them.

-Childhood neglect (actually led to an inpatient stay at age 9)
-Date rape with a resulting pregnancy, undiagnosed by clinicians until I was beyond the point of legal termination in my state. Went out of state, awful experience. A few years ago I saw on a national news channel that my doctor there had been murdered.
-Very serious auto collision that I drove up on. Pulled over and helped before police/paramedics arrived, several people ejected onto opposite side of the highway, most were med-flighted out.
-Lived with a narcissistic partner, verbal, emotional abuse, made it very difficult to extricate myself financially.

There are more but those are the major ones.

 

[Periwinkle Blue]

Oh. My last job, I was sexually harassed and my employer made it their mission to get rid of me after I reported it. So prior to this job, I was unemployed for almost a year. Thankfully my state's employment security office saw through their lies and BS at the hearing, so I did receive compensation while out of work, bust as most of you know, it's a fraction of what I would have made by working. I spent much of that time depressed and fairly isolated.