Identity After Complex Trauma Since Birth

[freakofnurture]

Proceed with caution - this post might suck the will to live right out of you...

Today the thought cropped up (again) that, since I have lived in a traumatic situation for all my life, every single bit of my development - the pre-natal, too, since my mom didn't exactly conceive me in a socially and economically stable situation - was compromised.

There is no 'before the trauma' for me. I can't re-cover, I can only change parts of me that have always been diseased and crippled.

Maybe there are parts of me that have developed like they would have under more favourable circumstances, but how would I know? How would I identify that which hasn't been broken, scratched or twisted?

How can I like things about me, if they all were formed by trauma? It would mean to like the trauma, to like my wounds and my scars, to be proud of things that look functional but are actually wrecked heaps of I-don't-know-what? How can I like my interests or my creativity when I built them up to flee from reality and when they're filled with little but morbidity that I enjoy because I'm sick like that?

I feel so disgusting right now. Unloveable. Loving me means to love what my p*rents did to me.

And there's nothing else for me. Absolutely nothing. No before, no idea of what's possible for me, of what's healthy for me, of what I really, truly am. What flowers upon me - forgive my poetry - is shit; what could and should have flowered, I will never know.

What do I do? Here at the clinic they talk of 'healthy inner parts', but what is healthy about skills you developed out of fear?

I'm trying to whip up some antagonistic pride. Some F*ck-you-I-won't-do-what-you-told-me. Be an awesome monster and wear that freak face like a badge of honour because, well, I survived a lot.

Still there's this resistance. All I am is trauma. All I am is what was done to me. All I have to work with is contaminated wreckage. I don't want to touch that. I don't want to be near that. I don't want to be that!

 

[The Albatross]

Relate to a large degree... there is likely no "before trauma" for me either. When my mother was pregnant with me my father was physically abusive. She actually got the courage to go to her parents... but they told her, "You made your bed, now go lie in it". That meant me too. And I lived in it til I was bold enough to leave at 17. I'm 51 now... and I do know that "all I am" is not just trauma... but my thoughts, perceptions, attitudes, and actions... do stem from there. I survived... and I am trying to develop "healthier parts"... healthier than what I started with.

I can't exactly "recover" either... from something I never had to begin with... there was no "before" traumas. I had no self identity and awareness from before. BUT... big capital letters... I do not have to remain the sum total of either my traumas or my upbringing. I can choose to be more... strech myself beyond what is comfortable... and grow into it. Which is what I have been doing for more than 3 decades. I don't know that I will ever be like other people, but I do know that I am more comfortable and at ease as time passes and I keep it up... friends say I push too hard, but I don't think so. I got one conscious life. One. And I push and push and push... to wrestle some peace, happiness, maybe even joy out of this life.

Beautiful works of art have come from the most suprising places... even wreckage. Even the most damaged people... dare I say, especially the most damaged people have empathy and something to offer... because of what we've been through. Sugar, I don't want to be there either, I don't want to be that either... but we don't grow, transcend or overcome without effort. A seed has to use force to sprout... to put down roots, to raise itself above the ground... to grow. The way I see it, unless I want to stay underground and fail to thrive, growth is the only option we've got.

I may never know "who" my authentic self was. I have come to accept that there wasn't a before... and grieved it. But I got a blank canvas of the present and the future... and I can use what ever I want to create something. It may not be a work of art... but I got to try... because I don't want to be like them. Ever.

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((((((((FON)))))))))))) Whatever you were before, or could have been, you are still a great person no matter how you were formed.

I had this revelation, too. During my primitive years, the forming years.......how can I ever develop properly?

I have to live this life. And I make choices I would not otherwise make. I choose to do things my boring self would not have ever considered.

I also came to the conclusion that little things can change even a fetus. If my mother had eaten certain foods, maybe she did for all I know.......hormones can be altered and little alternations all over the place. We are all too complex, even those with no trauma, to really understand.

The difference is that you KNOW. You are very smart and no matter who you are, you will always be able to work with yourself because you have so much self awareness and intelligence no matter how you go it.

(((((((FON!!!!)))))))))

 

[freakofnurture]

You're right, OKRAD, and Albatross, thank you for these beautiful words. I'll try go to sleep with your replies in mind. Maybe it'll all make sense tomorrow. It already feels a bit less devastating.

Thank you again, both of you :)

 

[James B.]

Hi FON,

just wanted to stop by and say how much I liked what you wrote in the first post.

Trauma did a lot to us, and I can relate quite a bit to what you said, especially from the perspective of a few years ago.
Maybe trauma gave you the time to develop your communication skills, but - am pretty sure - trauma did not give you the innate talent to write such awesome, concise and well conceived prose. Jive flattery? Not from me, FON.

Some of the most creative and inspired people lived with real challenges. Serious ones. Yet they managed somehow to take their deficits and turn them into assets. I know, I know, we can't applaud you because then we are applauding the trauma. And, you did such a good job of presenting this perspective. I don't agree, but will say this:

really like your posts.

:tup:

 

[Ted Moen]

All I am is trauma. All I am is what was done to me. All I have to work with is contaminated wreckage. I don't want to touch that. I don't want to be near that. I don't want to be that!

That is certainly the feeling. While we are surviving the hostile environment we are the person we have to be to survive. For some of us the hostile environment began at conception. For some at a very young age. For some later. None of us can go back to before the trauma and pick up from there. For those able to remember before the trauma, it's just memories of thing that might have been, of dissapointments and hurt and the feeling that we must have done something terribly wrong to deserve the treatment we received, that we must be defective in some way. It is a terrible feeling, wether you can remember before the trauma or not.

I am not my trauma. You are not your trauma. I am not the preson I became to do the things I had to do to survive. You are not the person you became to do the things you had to do to survive. Our survivors were creatures of necessity, always ready to return, but no longer needed.

We are people with a strong value structure challenged to live in our current environment with a set of ptsd symptoms. We have a strong value structure because we have experienced things no person should have to experience. Our set of ptsd symptoms is more or less the remmnants of our survivor, attitudes and behaviors no longer appropriate in our current situation.

So at first it is very confusing. There is likely guilty feelings about things our survivor did. There is a lot of anger which is sometimes turned outward (angry behavior), sometimes inward (depression). There is blame. There is all kind of stuff because now it is safe to become aware of the thoughts and feelings you had to stuff while your survivor did what your suvivor did to survive. As bad as it feels, it is a good thing. The trauma is over.

Initially we are a person in a current situation without a clue. We don't know what are current needs are because of the intense thoughts and feelings passing through. We don't know how to behave in normal situations. We don't know how to go about developing a set of relationships and activities that will bring out our identity and make us feel productive and worthwhile. We don't know if it's worth the effort. We just know it feels terrible and is so unfair.

Now you have a chance to grow, to discover the "real" person inside, the one your suvivor has been protecting all your life. You have a chance to discover the activities and relationships that will make you feel worthwhile, productive, proud of the real you. It isn't easy, because to get there you have to learn to manage your set of ptsd symptoms so the no longer disrupt your current situation. A good clinical psychologist is a positive thing if that's feasible in your current situation. And there's a lot of support available on this forum.

((((((((((((freakofnuture))))))))))))

You're no freak. You're a person with ptsd. There's lots of us :rolleyes:

Ted

 

[Shadowbreath]

Hi FON and all,

I can relate to your post, very much so. As I read the posts after yours, it just proves to me how much strength PTSDr's have. We all have overcome great trauma's, personal tragedies, etc, that have affected us in some or many way(s).
I don't mean to sound like a cornball here, but I would rather sit and talk to you FON, and everyone else on this forum. Why? because you are all real people, who truly know yourselves, not afraid to go the extra step, and to figure out how in the hell did I turn out the way i did given the circumstances.

Being a product of our environment is hard. But FON, at least you have the guts to know that YOU are healthier, better and stronger than the people who abused you. That's my gig, I won't let my abuser's punish me anymore. Yes, I probably would have turned out different had I not had trauma all my life. But I like who I am now, it's still a work in progress, not every day is great....but.. take a look around, I'm sure you'll find your more normal than you think!!!

Best,
Shadowbreath

 

[Kim]

I can relate FON. Now that I'm in therapy my biggest fear is what will be left of me when I'm done?

 

[yomama]

I agree with James B. I really like how you articulated the dilemma. It's an existential crisis I think a lot of us face. I've been thinking a lot about your question, "How can I like things about me, if they all were formed by trauma?" That's a deep eff-ing question! Part of me really identifies with the feelings of self loathing. I hate and resent the parts of me that feel broken or malformed by trauma. And another part of me wants to fight it, to make better of my life, and to create a better life for my kids. I like that part of me. Maybe that part IS the survivor. Maybe that very urge to fight and heal comes from experiencing trauma since I was 6. Resilience doesn't have to only be about "bouncing back" to a previous mythological state of functioning. It can also be about moving forward, becoming stronger, and emancipating ourselves.

 

[mamachick]

Kim-I can related to the question of what will be left after therapy-I think we will be better people. We know the challenges faced, not only our own but others we have met. We have the ability to be more compassionate caring people. We are changed by what has happened but can refuse to be reduced by it-Maya Angelou

 

[Srain]

We are changed by what has happened but can refuse to be reduced by it-Maya Angelou

There are days this is all I have to go by.

Thank you for posting it Brat.
peace and healing,
rain

 

[intothelight]

There is no 'before the trauma' for me. I can't re-cover, I can only change parts of me that have always been diseased and crippled.

Maybe there are parts of me that have developed like they would have under more favourable circumstances, but how would I know? How would I identify that which hasn't been broken, scratched or twisted?

I feel so disgusting right now. Unloveable. Loving me means to love what my p*rents did to me.

What do I do? Here at the clinic they talk of 'healthy inner parts', but what is healthy about skills you developed out of fear?

Still there's this resistance. All I am is trauma. All I am is what was done to me. All I have to work with is contaminated wreckage. I don't want to touch that. I don't want to be near that. I don't want to be that!

FON,

Growing up abused, does not make us "abuse". It definitely shapes how we view ourselves. and how we respond to others and certain situations; but underneath the dysfunctional behavior lies the "person" , not the "abuse'.

I don't know if "healthy inner parts" are skills. Sometimes I think the "healthy parts" of me are those parts of my character that developed, but the abuse that was suffered hinders and hides what is beneath.

I don't think we are "trauma", but I think the trauma hide what we "truly are".

(((Hugs)))
Deb