If Living Becomes Impossible

[mamachick]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. My children are grown and I get SS, but otherwise, I am the same and have so much physical issues that self care keeps me too busy and I could not comply with what you are going through. Hang in there and know that you are not alone, and this will get better. It will get better. Nothing is worth your life. There is a future for you and your children.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Something almost over took me today. I had a determination to drop my children off at day camp today and afterward my plan was to make today my last. My case worker requiring me to have all my information from appointments on hand tomorrow wasn't even there today! My Doctor isn't in until Monday. My bills were double what i expected, apparently i didn't pay bills last month. I thought i was doing a good job of it. I contacted bank,credit card, looked in my files, called companies. ..must've been disability related!!! I know that's priority and always first along with rent!!! It's happened before. .."It" now has a name along with missing work days, taking 2 hours to do 30 minutes worth of dishes at work, taking six weeks to almost learn a cash register others get within two days...every day it looked new!!! Clipping clients toenails taking 30 minutes because I forgot how to do it, getting lost driving , not realizing its been weeks since talking with support, or having just called a couple hours and calling again not remembering i just called earlier. My friends are starting to tell me that they aren't sure "who" they are talking to when they talk to me. I have the same name, but very different moods and they don't know if they are communicating with the me who rememberes or the me who doesn't. My sister used to laugh at me ot get extremely irritated about my "forgetfulness". My former counselor of 14 months totally agrees with fugue dx and my new counselor. ..who MET me in a fugue!#!!! She worked at the hospital thats how i found her.. WHO KNEW and what a strange story for me to hear!!!! I knew her from IOP, but we .et a year before that!!## she says, this is good!!! To officially have a proper dx she k ows how to better help me now. It answers lots of questions but also makes me QUESTION WHY ME?!?! I try to do things right, make good choices, be a good person, be a person of faith and my is that hard now!!!!!! Thanks @shimmerz I normally don't get angry like that, but i was cursing yesterday too. Ohhh the daycamp couldn't take my kids because they still didn't have proper documents for my kids to be covered under state funding. That was a mess. I met with the case worker from yesterday's supervisor and I very well may be demanding to see her!!!! She wasn't as difficult to talk with once she confirmed some things I was telling her were TRUE! *screams* :cry:
If i lose my benefits tomorrow i am going to lose it!!!!!! I hope this doesn't kill me. Today i thought about starting to write goodbye letters, kind of scaring myself. Why do i struggle so bad with S/I???? P.s. thanks for all your kind words. . . And patience with me. You are all great support. I wish we could have a convention or something :think:

 

[shimmerz]

Great for you! You did it! Yeah @trying2movefwd !!!!! Keep coming back! We'll pump you up.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Thank you @EveHarrington @brat17 @Ally01 @Casey_03 @GardenGirl0214 @sonicwhite @Justmehere @Jane1234 @hodge

 

[mamachick]

You are welcome. Just try to take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time if needed and remember that this is all temporary. The miracle is in front of you (future). Don't give up.

I am trying to adjust my thinking and working to remember it years before ptsd. I used a lot of humor and sought out positive, though I am more a realist than optimistic person. Now reflecting on my Jesuit education and much learning focused on reflections of our own overcoming sufferings. It is the hardest times that often give us our best qualities. It is the pain that causes personal growth. It is hard to see when you are in the midst of it. We need to just ride this wave, feel this pain, and come out the other side stronger in some ways. I had to write about many hardships, and recall writing (and meant it), I would not have changed places with anyone, I would not give up any of those hardships because they made me who I am. I need to see if I can find written work from them to remember who it is I was.

Sending hugs and prayers to you

 

[trying2movefwd]

I have a plan and a place. What's wrong with me? Do fakers actually think of these things? What scares me for my children's sake is knowing I am feeling low enough that just one more small stressor could really do me in. That I won't tell anyone where it is, what it is, when I found the place, and that I keep telling people that I am okay when I am not. On top of this..i had more body jolts last night . My Doctor wants me going to E.R. right after that happens but last night when this happened, i had just enough energy to think, i need to call someone. ..next thing i know its 10:45 a.m. i was supposed to be up at 6 a.m! My kids said they lifted my hands, pulled fingers back, etc I wouldn't wake up, this isn't like me. My Doctor did have me stop seriquel once she heard I was having these side effects. So I kind of want to take it..but i kind of haven't been taking the meds I am supposed to.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I have a plan and a place. What's wrong with me? Do fakers actually think of these things? What...

But obviously for my kids sake I know i have to hang on. This battle sucks.

 

[joeylittle]

...plan and a place. What's wrong with me? Do fakers actually think of these things?

You just ticked two of the four boxes for risk factors in attempting suicide. Your posting here indicates you know it's a problem. I really think you need to consider putting yourself in the hospital.

My Doctor wants me going to E.R. right after that happens but last night when this happened, i had just enough energy to think, i need to call someone. ..next thing i know its 10:45 a.m. i was supposed to be up at 6 a.m!

And again...hospital. Multiple reasons. I know you've been in a number of times before - and it's a good thing that you've got the solidity of knowing you won't hurt yourself because of the kids.

But it's very easy, in a bad moment, to lose track of that reason that is keeping you safe. It's not worth the risk. And you aren't in a thorough managed care situation right now.

I'm not trying to be alarmist, or unsupportive - but personally, I'm concerned for you and hope you go in.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Yes, i know. :( Thanks @joeylittle

 

[joeylittle]

Sending you lots of encouraging and supportive thoughts.