-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
If You Could Do One Crazy Thing Today What Would It Be ?
- Post starter Sammyiam
- Start date
- Status
sun seeker
Diamond Member
I'd play the violin again.
desiderata310
VIP Member
@sun seeker I used to play as well! Paid for undergrad.
:)
I'll see your 'play violin again' and add a duet with sunseeker
:)
I'll see your 'play violin again' and add a duet with sunseeker
Last edited by a moderator:
I would travel back in time, save my marriage, pack a few absolute necessities, and move to the Caribbean with my now ex-wife, our son, and our families. All while being surrounded by a beautiful island and appreciating every single second alive and with the ones I love...I don't want to do anything to crazy (other than skydiving and motocross) anymore.
- Post starter
- #31
Sammyiam
Platinum Member
I would find a new mum and be adopted into their normal family, mmmmm whatever normal is !
@Sammyiam Me too. Maybe 'balanced'. I think I find 'normal' in mother figures and they turn out to be narcies too, just hiding it better than my mother did. 'well balanced' and good coping skills would be great to have in a family.
I am 62 this year and still yearn for a mother. A mother who loved me properly. Sorry you didnt get one either.
I am 62 this year and still yearn for a mother. A mother who loved me properly. Sorry you didnt get one either.
- Post starter
- #33
Sammyiam
Platinum Member
@Flossy
Mine only died on April 13 th and I always tried so hard to be so good at everything I did to try and get her to love me. I always thought if I was so good at everything I did she would say that she loved me. Her last words to me was ... Are you still here go home and she died a few hours later.
I thought I had a huge empty hole inside where her love should have been. Now she has gone the hole is twice as large and twice as bad as I will never have that chance to be good enough any more. I'm 47 and I'm the same as you. I just feel so empty flossy it's worse than when she was alive and being mean to me. At least I still had a slight chance to make her change her mind. Now I have nothing.
I'm sorry you feel the same way glossy I really am
Take care
Sammy
Mine only died on April 13 th and I always tried so hard to be so good at everything I did to try and get her to love me. I always thought if I was so good at everything I did she would say that she loved me. Her last words to me was ... Are you still here go home and she died a few hours later.
I thought I had a huge empty hole inside where her love should have been. Now she has gone the hole is twice as large and twice as bad as I will never have that chance to be good enough any more. I'm 47 and I'm the same as you. I just feel so empty flossy it's worse than when she was alive and being mean to me. At least I still had a slight chance to make her change her mind. Now I have nothing.
I'm sorry you feel the same way glossy I really am
Take care
Sammy
@Sammyiam
MIne died in August last year. That is so sad. I am grateful that I am furious with mine. It hurts so much less. I guess I got to be furious because I did not witness her dying. I went 'no contact' with her. I know she would have messed me up even more if I had seen her ill.
I think of her a lot still and my first automatic thought is 'bloody bitch". Anger is so new to me. I wish you could be angry with your mother too. How dare she? How dare someone know they were dying and not let their guard down for long enough to feel emotions with their daughter? She didn't or wouldn't find the courage to do that. I bloody hate that.
Sorry if this is out of line. I dont want to add to your pain, but she did you wrong. She acted like a bad mother to do that. It was more important to her to be seen as strong than it was to be real and honest and authentic and share a real scary emotional few words with you and give you that as a gift.
Why the hell do some mothers not want to give gifts to their daughter.
What the fk is wrong with these people. Well, I know what was wrong with mine. She had Narcissistic PD and she kept up the facade until the end too.
I hope you find someone to be a kind friend or mother figure. I haven't found one yet. I wish we could put up tiny little stories as our signature so we never forget what lies behind each of our stories. I would hate to ever answer you and not remember your story. I can't rely on my memory.
Do you know about Narcissism and mothers with it? Have you read "Will I Ever be Good Enough?".
(((sorry)))
MIne died in August last year. That is so sad. I am grateful that I am furious with mine. It hurts so much less. I guess I got to be furious because I did not witness her dying. I went 'no contact' with her. I know she would have messed me up even more if I had seen her ill.
I think of her a lot still and my first automatic thought is 'bloody bitch". Anger is so new to me. I wish you could be angry with your mother too. How dare she? How dare someone know they were dying and not let their guard down for long enough to feel emotions with their daughter? She didn't or wouldn't find the courage to do that. I bloody hate that.
Sorry if this is out of line. I dont want to add to your pain, but she did you wrong. She acted like a bad mother to do that. It was more important to her to be seen as strong than it was to be real and honest and authentic and share a real scary emotional few words with you and give you that as a gift.
Why the hell do some mothers not want to give gifts to their daughter.
What the fk is wrong with these people. Well, I know what was wrong with mine. She had Narcissistic PD and she kept up the facade until the end too.
I hope you find someone to be a kind friend or mother figure. I haven't found one yet. I wish we could put up tiny little stories as our signature so we never forget what lies behind each of our stories. I would hate to ever answer you and not remember your story. I can't rely on my memory.
Do you know about Narcissism and mothers with it? Have you read "Will I Ever be Good Enough?".
(((sorry)))
- Post starter
- #35
Sammyiam
Platinum Member
Hi Flossy,
My memory is crap to, so we make a great pair, I haven't read that book but I will look it up. I'm so sorry you have gone through the same. Lots on here have crap mothers, it seems to just go with the whole picture of PTSD and sexual abuse I think. I have meet so many here with the same mum problems, it is so sad. I should start a thread with what's the worst things your mum says to you ! I could fill up a book a hundred times over. You are not out of line at all, it is so true what you say. My T has told me that it would be good to feel a bit of anger as well. I have never been and I have never even said one bad thing to her, I just kept on trying so hard to make her love me.
Even after death she has torn the whole family to pieces, and she has done it on purpose. Now I have lost my sister as well, she turned out to be a clone of my mum. My brothers are so upset and mad at both of them. I have just dug a hole and jumped in and hidden. The sadness has just overwhelmed me and I just think I am a total waste of space now and what's the point any more.
My memory is crap to, so we make a great pair, I haven't read that book but I will look it up. I'm so sorry you have gone through the same. Lots on here have crap mothers, it seems to just go with the whole picture of PTSD and sexual abuse I think. I have meet so many here with the same mum problems, it is so sad. I should start a thread with what's the worst things your mum says to you ! I could fill up a book a hundred times over. You are not out of line at all, it is so true what you say. My T has told me that it would be good to feel a bit of anger as well. I have never been and I have never even said one bad thing to her, I just kept on trying so hard to make her love me.
Even after death she has torn the whole family to pieces, and she has done it on purpose. Now I have lost my sister as well, she turned out to be a clone of my mum. My brothers are so upset and mad at both of them. I have just dug a hole and jumped in and hidden. The sadness has just overwhelmed me and I just think I am a total waste of space now and what's the point any more.
@Holy shit. The same with me. My sister is a clone of my mother. They both have Narcissistic personalities. I was the Scapegoat and I am thinking you were too. The terrible thing is, Narcissistic mothers choose the most sensitive child, who usually happens to be the most honest and truth telling, to be the scapegoat. They fear terribly that this truth telling child will reveal what they really are. So they spend their time and energy making sure they suppress this one child. They also train the other siblings to see this child the same way. They usually choose one other child to be the "Golden child", their clone. Often the training of the mother to make the one child the scapegoat means the other siblings dont believe that child about anything, don't listen to her and dont value her.
The mother does this to protect her self-image. Her biggest fear is that this honest open sensitive child will expose her.She will do whatever she can to prevent this happening.= she will change the facts of things that happened in the past, tell everyone the child is a liar or exagerating or neurotic and punish the child for not being a clone, by keeping her at a distance.
Here is the link to the DSM Diagnostic Tool for psychiatric evaluation of personality disorders. Scroll down a little and Narcissistic Personality is described.Link Removed
You are very fortunate your brothers recognise what is happening. I have lost my brother, sister-in-law, sister, neice and daughter to the damage this woman did.
She did it on purpose too, even leaving notes for me to find after her death. Luckily someone else found them first and burned them.
I promise if you study this disorder you will find some comfort eventually. It will be shocking and sad to realise the extent of what she did, but I promise you, you will eventually believe with no doubt that it was not a flaw in you. It was a desperate horrible attempt on her part to hide her inadequacies from everyone.
Her flaw was that she was not capable of understanding or feeling empathy. This is why she did not respond to your pain. She did not allow herself to feel pain as she saw that as weakness, so she really did not know how it felt, she knew you felt it and that is unforgivable, but she refused to feel it herself.
I too, was sexually abused, by my brother and sister. My sister was abused by a much older cousin. She sexualised me from age 4-6. My brother continued until I was 12 and then encourage his mates to take over trying.
Where was my mother? Probably making the kitchen canisters perfectly straight.
If you are in Australia. Fishpond may have a copy of the book. They sometimes have cheap secondhand copies. The library carries it too.
Another way I learned was to google Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and study those forums just to learn.
I went downhill again for six months after her death, only just coming out of it now.
It re-traumatised me. Take careful extra care of yourself for the rest of this year.
PS I buried, burned or smashed the 'treasures" she left behind for me. I find that like a ritual. I gave away some of the things that someone else may love. I could not bear to have reminders of how little she loved me. All I ended up keeping is a piece of my baby hair in a tiny bottle she must have kept when I had my first haircut. This was before I became a threat to her with my innocent honesty and lighthearted nature. I keep my anti-depressant medication in this little bottle with my baby hair. It's nice in a way. Her three children ended up with $5000 each inheritance. She insisted on an expensive funeral and headstone and had already given 50,000 to one niece who tolerated her and used the money on drugs and alcohol. I don't know how much she gave the other over the years. I did not go to her funeral. I could not trust myself to do so. It was torture.
I hope talking about it has helped a little. It helps me. :)
The mother does this to protect her self-image. Her biggest fear is that this honest open sensitive child will expose her.She will do whatever she can to prevent this happening.= she will change the facts of things that happened in the past, tell everyone the child is a liar or exagerating or neurotic and punish the child for not being a clone, by keeping her at a distance.
Here is the link to the DSM Diagnostic Tool for psychiatric evaluation of personality disorders. Scroll down a little and Narcissistic Personality is described.Link Removed
You are very fortunate your brothers recognise what is happening. I have lost my brother, sister-in-law, sister, neice and daughter to the damage this woman did.
She did it on purpose too, even leaving notes for me to find after her death. Luckily someone else found them first and burned them.
I promise if you study this disorder you will find some comfort eventually. It will be shocking and sad to realise the extent of what she did, but I promise you, you will eventually believe with no doubt that it was not a flaw in you. It was a desperate horrible attempt on her part to hide her inadequacies from everyone.
Her flaw was that she was not capable of understanding or feeling empathy. This is why she did not respond to your pain. She did not allow herself to feel pain as she saw that as weakness, so she really did not know how it felt, she knew you felt it and that is unforgivable, but she refused to feel it herself.
I too, was sexually abused, by my brother and sister. My sister was abused by a much older cousin. She sexualised me from age 4-6. My brother continued until I was 12 and then encourage his mates to take over trying.
Where was my mother? Probably making the kitchen canisters perfectly straight.
If you are in Australia. Fishpond may have a copy of the book. They sometimes have cheap secondhand copies. The library carries it too.
Another way I learned was to google Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and study those forums just to learn.
I went downhill again for six months after her death, only just coming out of it now.
It re-traumatised me. Take careful extra care of yourself for the rest of this year.
PS I buried, burned or smashed the 'treasures" she left behind for me. I find that like a ritual. I gave away some of the things that someone else may love. I could not bear to have reminders of how little she loved me. All I ended up keeping is a piece of my baby hair in a tiny bottle she must have kept when I had my first haircut. This was before I became a threat to her with my innocent honesty and lighthearted nature. I keep my anti-depressant medication in this little bottle with my baby hair. It's nice in a way. Her three children ended up with $5000 each inheritance. She insisted on an expensive funeral and headstone and had already given 50,000 to one niece who tolerated her and used the money on drugs and alcohol. I don't know how much she gave the other over the years. I did not go to her funeral. I could not trust myself to do so. It was torture.
I hope talking about it has helped a little. It helps me. :)
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
