If...

[sonicwhite]

if my looks and sex is all you care about go looking for another person. I will not be deceived once again by any woman. I have the hardest time throwing out looks and dating the heart.


So to be fair I live without the joyment of relationships because in my head I'm just shallow and can never change. I know guys most of them who are depraved only want sex. I want a future and a generation. I'm the only son in the family on my side that can extend my last name. Unfortunately I have never found someone who is just the right person.


The last chick at the last moment said she had a bf and I was like that's really unfair to him that you would try to get with me. I'm one in a million. I do sin. I'm a wretch. But I believe God has made me more beautiful than Solomon.

 

[sonicwhite]

Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard. She said her and her bf are like best friends.


So to me it's almost like she is wooing me into a relationship. I'm scared. I know what it feels like to have a gf stolen. I would never wish that on anyone.


However God uses All things for good to those who love Him. The thing that attracts me to her is her faith. But she also keeps up on her body as I'm trying to do with my diet.


But in all honesty. Would you feel hurt if you where abandoned just to get with another guy. Expessialy someone like me who is only on SSDI and can only do limited stuff.


I ruminate over and over what is causing my nightmares. I know I have trauma but medication could be causing it to.


When I use no gabapentin and only kratom I have no nightmares. But I can only do this once in a while due to tolerance. So I'm hopeful it's just medication.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you think it's wrong, best to let her go.

 

[Gs172003]

Im sorry... Is this the girl you were talking to recently and said she wouldn't wait until marriage?

 

[sonicwhite]

Yes this is her. But, I think mainly I've let her go. For the respectable reasons for the guy. I'm sorry but some men are gentlemen.

 

[sonicwhite]

And, on the gabapentin end. It was brutal. The withdrawals would come back than go away so I said screw it. How do I get off a medication that is as deadly as klonopin. I hate suffering.

In 05 I suffered the whole summer with anxiety, panic attack, delusions, paranoia. And I didn't even know I was going through a psychosis. Charles Stanley who reads out of the word of God says when God allows or even brings adversity into our lives it's to help us not hurt us.



I remember that through my psychosis it aroused my want to know Jesus. A year later I gave my entire life back to Him.


In the Parable about the prodigal son they say that the servents and the Father and the young man have a feast and party as he returns home. That's how it was for me. I loved life so much and God gave me so much wisdom during that period.


Sometimes I want to walk away and come back but Godis no fool. He knows what's up. So instead adversity like m truck getting stolen was a way to show me He was protecting me from something.

 

[Gs172003]

Sweetheart you've got me confused.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm putting in a lot of past things I've wrote. Sorry for the confusion.

I tried to get off gabapentin. It lasted two weeks as long as the strains of kratom where working. But then they pooped out and the withdrawals from gabapentin would come and go so I said screw it I'll just take it and not worry about personal issues like addiction.



The Parable of the Prodigal son Jesus spoke of I think in Matthew. I may be wrong there.


I watch a sermon on adversity this morning because I asked God why? Why is all this hardship happening to me? Wulp, first my own sin causes it. Second the devil does. But if you correctly take the correction the right way you'll grow as a child of God.


I hope you're a Christian. If not please forgive me. I can see how all that confused you.

 

[Sideways]

screw it I'll just take it and not worry about personal issues like addiction.

This ain't cool Sonic!

I've been trying to follow along with your struggles since I joined, and man have you had a rough time. I was hoping this lady friend was going to be a positive force in your life, and I'm sorry that hasn't worked out. But you're really clear in your mind about what you valie in a relationship and what you don't want, and that's a really good thing. Like, a reeeally good thing. Stick with that - there's plenty more fish in the sea, and it's a case of tossing back the rubbish that comes out during our search and continuing on for what we want.

But looking after you always comes first. You can't look after a healthy relationship until you can look after you. And life dealt you a really shitty hand and you've got addiction issues on top of everything and that really sux. But it's still an issue.

I don't practice christianity, but I have a healthy respect for the role that religion plays in a lot of peoples lives. And as far as I can figure, you and your body and what you do with it throughout your life is a key way that you maintain a connection with your God, and your faith. And the devil may be at work, but you still gotta look after what god gave you. Pumping stuff into it that feeds your addiction? Not dealing with your addiction? Seems a bit like ignoring the single most important thing that god has given you to experience and enjoy the wonderful workd that he's created for us.

Not to mention that in the past, your addiction issues have really interfered with your relationship with God, in a huge huge way.

The addiction is a Mount Everest of an issue for you to learn to manage and overcome, and I get that. But looking after you is really important regardless - looking after what God gave you, being greatful for it and working hard to keep it healthy and strong is going to help your relationship with yourself, and with God.

Seems to me that on pretty much any interpretation of the good book, giving in to addiction, throwing the towel in and saying "Meh, it's something I'm just gonna keep doing", that's not what God seems to want for the people on earth that he created and loves...

Just thoughts.

 

[sonicwhite]

As it stands right now. The house I live in and the struggle I deal with from someone who has no ide what trauma is can be satisfied that I'm out of the house. I'm tired of living here in this hell hole always unhappy and in turn causing me to look for my next fix. I'm tired of it. Someone else lives here pays no rent. Has no proof he is disabled plays games and I g t the brunt of all that goes wrong in the house. I'm tired of it. I may just have to couch surf from day to day.


My vehicle got stolen and I don't have anymore recourse. If you lived here you would understand my frustration and why I do the things I do.

 

[Sideways]

I get what it's like to struggle.

I get what it's like to be surrounded by people that don't understand trauma.

Heads up - I get what it's like to be homeless as well. Been there. This is a forum full of people who are struggling with their own different versions of hell. And that's cool, because it means we can empathise with you. And I do. It sounds pretty awful at your end.

But the only person who can change that situation is you. Addiction is not a solution. You know that. And you can change your situation.

 

[sonicwhite]

They found my truck but the wrecker company screwed me over saying it was getting sold and it cost over 600$ to get out. So I let it go. I'm going to TN so this is my recourse. God is closing this door and opening a new one.