Ignoring

[Ronin]

I tend to put people on ignore when I need time to figure what about their posts or themes is setting me off, move it somewhere in my life, come back when able to read them productively, let alone participate.

Better to do consciously than find myself reading people's posts and be all 'wah. I've read this. What was that person saying though? Noo clue.' as a part of mind would do its protect-me-thing-anyway. Better co-thinking with my thoughts.

So it's basically not personal or mostly not personal, just different places in processing and all.

 

[Gadgie]

I don't think I could ever use the "ignore" button on anyone? I would feel guilty, as well as being a failure on my behalf, knowing I couldn't handle what should be a simple process of communication.

If someone offended me, I would just let them know that I didn't like what they said, and why.

Then if an explanation,mor an apology wasn't given, I just wouldn't bother replying to any more of their posts.

 

[Teasel]

I've appreciated seeing how you are dealing with this @joeylittle. Very fair and balanced. And it's helped me see that part of my issue here is my own stuff and not theirs.
It's still relatively new for me to choose not to have people who trigger my stuff in my life. Feels like a very hard won skill indeed and I think I can see that because of that I judge those people based on my own anger and fear and insecurity.
Good to be aware of thanks.

 

[Chava]

no-one can 'make' anyone else feel anything here.

Very true. I'm pretty anti-conflict and take myself so unseriously that it's pretty hard to hurt or offend me. So personal feelings aren't an issue for me. It's more larger principles and patterns (shit I'll admit my brain gravitates towards...not my feelings about anything).

I do have an issue with twisting other poster's words and using multiple posts or threads to subtly insult other members or throw them under the bus through saying they said "something they didn't say", triggered you, made your symptoms worse through their responses, acting victim to other forum members, etc. Basically manipulating and devaluing other members. It's not very blatant, so it appears unchecked. And then pointing out any shred of progress, and expressing extra gratitude or flattery with a small amount of members to maintain some important connections and sympathy. It's obviously a pattern that works. Hmm.

But this has to do nothing with my feelings...this part is about what one poster is falsely claiming about others or hammering on repeatedly at times...blaming other members for personal issues (whether challenges trigger anger or perceived rejections trigger BPD buttons, whatever). When others are dragged in or devalued, unnecessarily and unchecked, then I'd think some boundaries might help. It certainly won't change over night.

Whatever trauma details are shared does not matter...there I know I'm responsible for how I respond to triggers, etc. I'm not responsible for other members making claims of me that aren't true. But again, personally, I barely give a shit. It's more a matter of principle. IMHO and observation from a fairly objective yet involved position (that I regret but it's hard not to raise some challenges to some of this, for f*ck's sake)

 

[Rumors]

@joeylittle
For me it isn't content as much as the gaslighting that goes along with the poster. They ask for help then turn it around to act like everyone is judging them. The conversation turns it into such chaos bc the poster refuses to identify or even discuss the very topic they posted! It is unhealthy for anyone involved.
Currently, they are taking suggestions only because the heat was turned up in the kitchen so to speak. That will likely change into more gas lighting and negative behavior when the poster becomes more comfortable. There are some people you can't help and in the absence of reason they probably should get professional help first before seeking out mutual/reciprocated ideas and support here. It poses a horrible risk to the remaining group as this very thread may prove. It is gaslighting and if continued should be addressed even if minimally.
That is just my opinion.... I am just speaking honestly. I certainly do not have all of the answers, but I will avoid further contact with such participants moving forward bc I view them as manipulative.

 

[Chava]

@Rumors

"gaslighting"

Thanks for summing that up (not a word I use much at all). Content doesn't bug me either...just the stuff that deserves being questioned or challenged, and yet the poster doesn't want any challenge but contradicts all over the place, and devalues posters who only intend to help the situation for those involved. And yes, playing nice when things get heated. Obvious.

But anyway, you summed that up for me. My feelings are totally fine.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I need to chime in. Having had an experience fairly identical to what @Chava just described, but also feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much we're "ignoring" this person and what manipulative means and how perspectives are often incorrect. I see some of the same problems being described, and appreciate that everyone, as I read them, is coming from a place of wanting not to harm, both themselves and anyone else. But I want to add my own opinion that sometimes someone is acting out poor patterns because they truly do not have healthier patterns to employ. This is *why* DBT proved so successful with previously incurable Borderline, is it helps learn skills that are not there or are weakened when decompensated.

Also just speaking for myself, it can be hard entering a community when coming from the types of abuse and neglect that instilled such a deep sense of being wrong. I have struggled myself a few times to understand how I was being perceived and desperately wanting to *fight* anyone insisting, in my mind, that I am bad and it's all my fault.

So sorry if I may sound like a magnanimous prick or anything like that, but I agree: it is possible to simply ignore someone if you are triggered by their behavior. Also possible to keep engaging using all sorts of tactics that allow you to gaslight them by telling them you are ignoring them. My sense is that this person is yes thrown off by so many responses but that a lot of the perceived drama is also her trying to actually take them all in and respond to them while desperately defending the idea that maybe she's not a terrible person. All of which may require learning better skills, yes, but also is not necessarily done for malicious purposes. It takes two to tango is partly what I'm saying.

 

[Chava]

I appreciate your empathy @Jemini . I've waded through a lot of that myself. But mental illness doesn't resolve us of all personal responsibility, even when skills are lacking (I get that). I think some of us are tired of that aspect.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I think you are well-heard @Chava. I hear you too.

 

[Crow]

@joeylittle can this thread be deleted? I've gained clarity early on on the misplaced shame. I had no intention of this being a thread to vent about one member - though I agree with most of the posters. I think it would be healthy for the community if this thread disappeared.

 

[Rumors]

Agreed... It needs to go away however, my posts are blocked from the user.

 

[Chava]

Probably just close it. If deleted, then we all get to ask for our regrettable posts to be deleted? I can think of a few I'd like deleted for myself!

I'm not loving my own responses here, but much has been clarified for me too. It's not about my feelings, but probably I'm hyper-sensitive to gaslighting. Doesn't help me, doesn't help others, and doesn't help the person doing it and mostly getting by with it. Rumors was able to identify what was making me most uncomfortable (assume I am blocked as well).