I'm A Fixer

[Jim1965]

I am a fixer. My wife has complex PTSD. I knew it before we married. It's become worse since marrying. I go to a counselor so I don't hurt myself. She goes to a counselor, but says she only goes for me. She does not like what she does and knows she needs help. There are multiple triggers. She's been verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused for most of her life by her parents, family members, ex-husband and more.

As a fixer I have taken on more responsibility than I need to, but can't seem to stop. If I just do this or that or love her enough she will get better. I know this is not true. I love her so much, but I can't stand the verbal abuse. She is the nicest, most caring, compassionate person I've ever met, but she has this other side. She's been diagnosed with PTSD. Other counselors believe should may also have borderline personality disorder. When I read the PTSD info it sounds just like her. When I read BPD information it sounds just like her. When I read sex abuse info it sounds just like her. I don't want to divorce her, but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I pray everyday that God will heal her mind.

I am getting much better at handling episodes and they are frequently similar, almost predictable. Despite her insistence that she will not come out of it, she always does. When she's having an episode I would like to leave, but I worry she will hurt herself or destroy the house. I have confided in very few people. When I tell them about what she says and does they can't believe what I'm telling them. They only know the sweet, kind, caring spouse. I am a fixer.

 

[Jim1965]

About every week to two weeks there is an episode. Anger, withdrawal from everybody. What do you do when a suffer tells you to get the F away from her, but doesn't really want you to leave?

 

[Jim1965]

She says she wants to do me a favor and divorce me and that she is going to make me hate her so I will want to leave. She says she is unlovable. Anything negative that happens she feels it's because she's being punished for being such a bad person. When she comes out of it she is loving, giving and a great wife.
What have you done to deal with type of situation?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jim,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is not that unusual in some cases. Check out the Supporter's section as there is a lot of information there that you might find beneficial.

Please remember to take of yourself too as PTSD affects the entire family.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[Jim1965]

Do others feel like they are trapped because if they leave the suffer the sufferer will spiral down further and hurt themselves?

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Jim1965. As Debbie mentionned, you can go to the carers section of the forum. As you read some of the other supporters/carers posts, you will start to relate to what you are living right now. One of the things that are very important to remember is to take some time to care for yourself !

Best of luck

 

[Nerdanna]

Welcome Jim1965. You have come to a place of support and good information.

When my husband and I first got married he had episodes quite often and I too at first tried to "fix" him.

But when it began to spiral into physical abuse I drew the line as we have a son. He said many of the same things you have described.

We did both seek couseling together many years ago and it helped a great deal, however recently he has begun to show signs of going backward.

You are not alone!