I'm a mess

[msjanetxtreme]

Yesterday was my breaking point.

I was so terrified at the prospect of going back to a job that I absolutely loathe that I started taking ibuprofen one after the other. After about 4 or five pills, I stopped because the rational part of my brain that said, "You don't have enough to complete suicide. You're going to make yourself sick and survive with potentially more complications."

I called a distress line shortly afterwards, then my therapist to explain what I had done and asked what to do next. My therapist and I chatted for a while to make sure that I was "safe."

Then, this afternoon she expressed concern that I am in crisis and need in-person sessions. She asked if I was ok with finding someone closer to where I live since we usually have sessions remotely. She has a point but it made me feel absolutely awful and I didn't think it was possible to feel worse already.

This past year has been so, so difficult. I moved back to my hometown where all my trauma happened, live down the street from my childhood home with some of the same furniture from when I was a kid (long story), and work at an entry-level but stressful job that underpays. My employer knows that I have mental health issues b/c I requested accommodations but my workload is still unrealistic. I have panic attacks and flashbacks at least once a month at work.

Things have been slowly deteriorating. Then, I found out my stepmom has breast cancer last week. My mom died of cancer and I guess it brought up a lot. (People kept calling and calling at work and I just couldn't answer the phone.) Anyway, I'd be dead if it wasn't for my bf. He's wonderful but stressed b/c of me. He doesn't even know about what happened yesterday. He just knows that I'm super upset that my therapist is dumping me.

It's 1.30 AM and the prospect of going to work tomorrow is freaking me out. I've called in sick twice and once the week before. It sounds insane really b/c um...i clearly need to take time off but am afraid that I'll get in trouble.

Could use some comments if anyone has something to say. please. Thanks for reading.

 

[bellbird]

Hey @msjanetxtreme . Thank you so much for reaching out here.

After about 4 or five pills, I stopped because the rational part of my brain that said, "You don't have enough to complete suicide. You're going to make yourself sick and survive with potentially more complications."

I am SO proud of you for this.
This must have taken immense courage and strength, and I just really want to highlight this.

There is so much happening for you right now; so many really really tough things. I am sorry, for all that you're having to face right now.

He just knows that I'm super upset that my therapist is dumping me.

I feel for you. I had to change Ts last year.
The thing is, my old T who I had been with for 4 years, wasn't a trauma-specific T.
Even though it felt like she was "dumping" me, she only had my best interests at heart.
I see this in your T's suggestion to you.

It isn't her wanting to close the door on you, and maybe when things have settled down for you you will be able to return to phone consults, but right now this is her doing what is best for you.

There are a lot of stressors in your life right now. In-person therapy sessions have benefits that phone consults just can't provide. And just from reading your post (and your T's perspective who knows you), it seems like they could really good for you right now.

My employer knows that I have mental health issues b/c I requested accommodations but my workload is still unrealistic. I

Are you able to have another conversation with your employer about this?


Do you have any grounding strategies for helping with anxiety?
Diaphragmatic breathing is one that has benefitted me. Breathing is our access point to our sympathetic (fight/flight) nervous system. And, having been in that position.. 1.30am and sick to my stomach dreading work the next day.. I know that anything to calm our sympathetic nervous system helps.

I'm also sending you many virtual hugs, if you accept them. And I'm so glad that you made that choice to stop taking those pills and called for help.
It does get better.
Even when we never think it will.. it does.

Sitting with you. Maybe we can take some deep breaths together?
:hug:

 

[Lesmall]

Ok you beautiful human - you've bloody got this. Right now you feel that you're falling apart and spiralling out of control, but every sentence I've read is one of absolute strength.

It f*cking hurts. Life. Trauma. Therapy. Work. The whole damn lot of it. But it's a beautiful hurt that you are so very worthy of. It doesn't matter if you're stuck in the very depths of despair, or you feel like for once in your life you've actually got this, because it always comes back. It's always there. But the fact that you stopped, that you've reached out, and that you're trying is a testament to you.

You matter. You are worth the fight. You are a special person in this world. Never stop x

 

[feixapreta]

Hi! Anxiety is real and can be debilitating. I've struggled with it for years. But I've found relief through pastors, mentors and counselors. The best counselor is my current one who is a Christian Cognitive Behavioral Therapists. She is great at helping me understand how my thoughts are controlling my behavior- good and bad. I don't think you need face to face. My therapist lives 2000 miles away. I've been on some mild medication as well. I really fought it for years because I didn't want to be on meds. But it really helps. They are just mild anti anxiety meds. Reading the Bible helps as well. Hope this encourages you!! Prayers,