I'm A Regular Member, This Needs To Be Anonymous Though.

[Obodi]

Your wife has a genuine illness that needs support just as much as yours.

Here's the problem, I know she's full of it. She is as depressed as every other person alive. In other words, or in her words, I'm using this as a reason to get "out" of a contract. She is playing it up.

I have a verifiable condition with multiple contributing factors. She just wants out of a contract and as a good husband I've to sit by and keep quiet.

 

[Obodi]

It sounds like you are frustrated by more than just her depression. However, if you feel like her behavior has significantly changed maybe the medication is making her depression worse... Maybe your personalities just clash and your PTSD decreases your ability to tolerate the idiosyncrasies you were once able to overlook?

On multiple points you are correct. My PTSD is leaving me up to extremely irritable. Especially when someone I love, and claims to love me uses mental illness as if it were currency.

I know meds can make people respond differently, I started on Buspar. As prescribed by my primary care doctor. It had horrible side effects. We tried a few other things like Geodon,diazepam, and lexapro, before finding the right cocktail.

And it isn't the idiosyncratic ways that get me. It's the fact that she is basically spitting in my face to get what she wants.

 

[Ujud]

Get off your high horse!

You're not entitled to a mental disorder because you were traumatized. I hate to break it to you, but PTSD is the ONLY mental disorder that must have a specific type of occurrence in order to be diagnosed.

You're uncaring and unsympathetic. Your wife will be better off without someone who calls her disorder fake. Do you like it when people doubt your PTSD? What if they told you to suck it up and get over it?

Sorry, but I can't support someone who feels entitled to their disorder but puts down others who are dealing with their own issues. I hope one day you're able to see beyond your own self centered ness.

 

[Afat]

I gave her an ultimatum.

Oh, that's a real nice way to have a relationship. Yea, that's going to help a lot.

Here's the problem, I know she's full of it. She is as depressed as every other person alive. In other words, or in her words, I'm using this as a reason to get "out" of a contract.

You know shit - What are you? Here therapist?
Nobody takes the route of having a disorder to get out of a paying contract unless they have something going on.
Doing so would be crazy, wouldn't it? 1 + 1 does not = 0 1 + n = 2
You just don't know what "n" is. It could be, probably is, something she hasn't told you.
And, if knowing your wife was going to do something that was unethical, such as proclaiming to have a condition, a condition that will go into her medical records for all time, why would you agree to just sit by and keep quiet?
Ultimatums are not quiet.

she is basically spitting in my face to get what she wants.

You know, you really haven't said what you want. Basically, you've only said that your not getting what you want, used a few clichés in your writing, and said she's getting what she "wants" - What do you want? What do you want from her? Be specific.

I suspect the problem is that neither of you have been entirely truthful with yourselves and each other. It sounds to me that the both of you are simply just "users" and the two of you have met their match. But then, we don't hear her side of the story - we just read about yours, which (to summarize) says you have PTSD (a "verifiable condition with multiple contributing factors") and you expect her to behave in ways other than she's behaving. Grow up! Deal with your over-extended mortgage or whatever it is that's bothering YOU about how you deal with things poorly.

Your attitude has alienated people here.
Show this thread to your therapist and see what they think.

 

[Obodi]

I didn't come here for arguments or berating. I am not going to apologize for how I am being treated whether people like it or not.

Yes, I have a problem with my wife doing something unethical. It is a slap in the face to you guys and myself that she can claim she's depressed when she is clearly (her own words) not.

As for why she is doing this is the part that I cannot say. That's why I have to keep quiet and the reason for the ultimatum. Ask yourself this question, if your SO was doing something unethical could you really report it to the proper individuals? Or would you remain quiet?

I Love my wife, make no mistake about it. Maybe she has anger issues, maybe she really does have depression. I'm not trying to say having PTSD trumps all else.

What I am saying is with the multi-faceted issues that are entangled in my past, the betrayals and the abuses, the violence, and the near death experiences. To hear someone verbally say I'm not going to take my birth-control to mimic depression so I can get out of the contract because I don't like it. No, that is spitting in my face.

And just as a FYI, I'm no chicken-sh$t. I show both my therapist and my psychiatrist everything I post. Anonymously or not.

Have a better day than I am.

 

[Jazin]

IIt is a slap in the face to you guys and myself that she can claim she's depressed when she is clearly (her own words) not...

Maybe she has anger issues, maybe she really does have depression. I'm not trying to say having PTSD trumps all else...

To hear someone verbally say I'm not going to take my birth-control to mimic depression so I can get out of the contract because I don't like it. No, that is spitting in my face.

I'm trying to understand. Is this right?

She's told you straight that she's faking depression to get round her employment contract. You feel that's unethical and out of order, when you and others with PTSD have to struggle with histories and mental health issues that aren't faked. She also has temper tantrums with you and expects to get her own way.

I think it does sound like she has some mental health issues of her own to be acting like this. At the same time, that doesn't mean you have to put up with them if they're unacceptable to you. What are the good things? What would be the reasons to not get a divorce?

 

[Gega]

Sorry I didn't mean the mental health issues were unacceptable to you but that her behaviours were unacceptable to you. You don't have to put up with her behaviours.

 

[Obodi]

What are the good things? What would be the reasons to not get a divorce?

I can't stand the thought of not having my daughter around when I get home. I love being a dad. I look forward to walking up the stairs and having my daughter greet me with smiles and hugs. If I lost the ability to see her every day I would lose track of the light and plunge into the void.

 

[Ibepi]

Sorry... You don't have to put up with her behaviours.

No need to apologize. I do have to put up with it. It's the difference between seeing my daughter every day and every other weekend. Why I fear this is because during a discussion spawned by some reality show she looked dead at me and said that she would get full custody if we ever split. I'm terrorfied that here in California that would happen.

 

[Zonuf]

Ask yourself this question, if your SO was doing something unethical could you really report it to the proper individuals? Or would you remain quiet? . . . she has anger issues, maybe she really does have depression. I'm not trying to say having PTSD trumps all else.

We/I have been stating perceptions and opinions based on your writings which were somewhat vague in the beginning, and blame based, in my opinion. As to "Ask yourself this question . . ." Based on what you just recently disclosed, being manipulative and her anger issues, etc., etc., I would call her doctor's office, speak with him directly and tell him/her what I know. Your conversation with him/her would be private, and it could help him/her diagnose your wife properly. And, I would insist on marriage counseling together (was that your ultimatum?) particularly because you have a child, and this type of tension is not good for her. At the very least, marriage counseling may help the two of you communicate better regardless of whether the marriage stays together or not.

California is a very progressive state when it comes to paternal custody; it all depends, who at the time of separation is the "better parent", and that is based on the ability to genuinely care about the child, care for the child economically, respond reasonably under pressure, and the parent's support system (which includes the child).

PTSD can be managed - don't get so riled up when she "baits you" - Handle your PTSD so you can be a calm, nurturing dad to your daughter (not because of what you get from her when you walk through the door). If you are a good dad, take solace in that.

 

[Paluku]

Ok. Can I first try to get a clear picture of what is going on?

. She is as depressed as every other person alive

Depression is not always obvious. Especially medicated depression and "every other person" is not diagnosed as being depressed. The diagnoses is not made mildly.

when she is clearly (her own words) not.

Has she clearly in so many words said to you that she has faked depression in order to get a diagnoses?

Or was she depressed and in an argument between the two of you has said she doesn't think she is?

Or is this your idea of what is happening?

What were her exact words and what was the context? I think you need to discuss that here in order for you to have meaningful feedback here.

Is there anything you are not telling us here that is relevant? Is there reason for her to have a problem with you? Talking about affairs or other such stuff.

 

[Kovog]

Here is the update: after a long, strenuous, & heart wrenching talk that went from screaming to shedding tears, she saw that I could not get past the unethical act of either faking or over exploiting mild depression to get out of her contract. We were originally going to try couples consoling, but have instead separated and as of yesterday filed for a mutually agreed upon divorce.

We have to hash out all the details of course but the long and shorts of it, it's over. And we agreed that for our kids' sake we would at least remain friends, we do have a child after all and she is the only that really matters. As for this post I'm done with it. Good bye thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.