I'm A Total Failure.

[FindingMyself88]

I am a complete 100% total failure. That is all there is to it! I can't seem to get my life straight. I have ruined my one hope. I am stupid, weak, and defected. i mine as well just give up. What's the use? If what I was just told is true, I cannot return to my college unless I want to pay out of pocket, which I can't afford. My degree was my hope for escape from my dysfunctional family. Even if I could manage through my PTSD to work and find a place that would allow Bristol to accompany me, I couldn't afford to live on my own.

I want to self harm so bad right now it isn't funny!

Long story short due to health and PTSD my grades have suffered. Last semester was suppose to be the semester I was given a chance to pull my GPA back up. My GPA needs to be a 2.0 institutional, but its a 1.88. Had I not been so sick and attempted suicide last semester, I could have done it. I was under the impression by my advisor that because it was a medical withdrawal, I would be given another chance. They are saying no and are taking away my financial aid.

Even if I went to a community college to take some classes, it wouldn't work. My overall GPA is a 2.5 which is okay. It's my Institutional GPA that is down. So the only solution to pick up that GPA is to take classes at that school. If I decide on another school, I have to get my GPA up and I loose all the degree classes I have taken here.

I am a failure. How was I able to do so good in high school but suck now? Which in high school I was threatened by my mom if I didn't get good grades.

Honestly right now I just want to lay down and die. I don't see a way out of this.

 

[scout86]

I have news for you. Being a "complete 100% failure" is hard to do. You are WAY to young to be a complete, 100% failure, although you aren't too young to feel that way.

When I get in a situation like you're in (and I've lost count of how many of those there have been) I allow myself a finite amount of time to have a melt down. Then take a systematic look at the problem and start dealing with it.

Have you talked to your adviser? That should be step 1. If they told you this was going to work out, they need to be your advocate in the process of getting it to work out.

I'm not sure what the difference is between an "institutional GPA" and a plain old GPA, but that probably doesn't matter. I also don't know how your school does things. The schools I've gone to, it was possible, sometimes, to negotiate an incomplete in a class and then be able to do something to bring up your grade, say over the summer. Might be too late for that, I don't know. Talk to your adviser. And, I know whether or not you're a full time student can affect your financial aid. Talk to your adviser! Also talk to your T. Seems like you have the history it takes to get some kind of special accommodation. Take some time to regroup, but don't give up!

As far as living on your own goes, I've been living on my own since I graduated from high school. I don't get the whole "I can't afford to live on my own." thing (and I hear it from more people than you). Now, I've lived in some strange places, to be sure, but I graduated from high school, hit the road and never looked back. I can't see any reason that shouldn't as possible now as it ever was. You might have to be creative and flexible, and not too picky, but there are options, even with a dog. (I'd let you have the upstairs of my house, but I think that would involve more of a cross country move than you really want.)

Talk to your adviser! (And don't give up!!)
.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ok breathe,,,,,breathe again. Are you in the US? If yes, your state has a disability rights center. Call them, tell them about your medical crisis and what the school told you that they would make an accommodation for your illness and now are taking it back. They will advise you. The school gets lots of money from the government and they have to abide by the Anericans with Disabilities Act. Put simply, if you have a disability that interferes with walking, breathing, learning, and other things, you are entitled to reasonable accommodations. Giving you extra time to get your GPA up is not a hardship for the school. It is reasonable and I am telling you, my son got these accommodations from his college every semester. They were awesome. He's dyslexic, couldn't read, by the time he was a senior he was getting A's. He failed a lot of courses but the extra time they gave him was critical to his success.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You are NOT a failure, not in the least! I know that things are quite rough for you right now, and I am so, so sorry.

Right now can you focus on self-soothing? What would make you feel safe so that you don't harm yourself? Do you have a soothing food to eat? Soothing music to listen to? A soothing movie to watch? A favorite piece of clothing to wear that makes you feel safe? Cuddle up with Bristol for a bit?

The school bit can wait until tomorrow....I just want you to feel safe for the evening (well, weekend as it is now a Friday). On Monday you can try to contact someone else in your financial aid office. I know you were told one thing by your advisor, but there are always ways to work around these sorts of things. I think it is definitely worth speaking to someone else in financial aid and your disabilities office in order to make sure you've exhausted every single possibility.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have learned at my school to always get a 2nd opinion. More then once I have found person A to be totally wrong and that person B or C was actually correct.

Get as much documentation as you can and then start talking to people. The medical withdrawal I got had to go through the Dean of the College and the disabilities office handled it for me.

 

[digger]

I have news for you. Being a "complete 100% failure" is hard to do. You are WAY to young to be a complete, 100% failure, although you aren't too young to feel that way.

Scout's right - it's bloody tricky to do! I've tried like a gazillion times and there's always one teeny tiny little thing I'll go and do right and I have to start over again! One time, I really thought I'd got it and then I got stuck with this weird paradox of 'If you succeed at being a 100% failure, does the success of failing negate the whole thing?!' *sigh*

Seriously though, you feel like a failure at this moment, I'm sure Bristol views things differently.

Vent. Breathe. Allow yourself a meltdown. And then realise that there are an infinite number of routes to an infinite number of destinations. Some of the best things that have happened to me happened because I ended up having to take turnings I never thought I wanted to.

xx

 

[lovesasoldier]

I have been going through many of the same issues. I was suspended because of my grades and missed my appeal deadline. So I still have to appeal, but won't be able to go back till January, if the appeal is accepted. I am homeless, on SSI, and food stamps. I have Fibromyalgia, depression, ADD, and panic attacks.

Most schools have a specialized office that you maybe able to work with. Go to Social Services and try and get some help. It won't be easy but try anyway. You should also apply for disability with Social Security. You may qualify for food stamps and TRA (Transformative Rental Assistance). Then you can find a place where you can keep your dog. Also talk to American's with Disabilities, and go to Legal Aid if you must. There is help out there, but, and I hate to say this, you are going to have to fight for it. Call every agency you can think of, maybe your therapist knows of some. See if you can get an advocate who can help you.

Oh and try to get Bristol classified as an Emotional Service Animal. A landlord may then have to allow him.

 

[kylebkyle]

I understand how that is, I had a major break up out of state and i was going to school at the time and when this happened I had to drop out due to break up and I needed to move back down where I had supporting family, I felt like a failure over it and they made me jump through so many hoops to get a grant and i finally did but I did not go to school because I had no way of getting there every day, but check this out, if you are still breathing and alive than you are not a failure, what seems to be hopeless now will one day turn into success if you just keep going forward and pulling through!

In life there is no such thing as losers, there is only future winners! Hope things turn around for you!

 

[Lucycat]

What is a GPA?

 

[Justmehere]

Wait, don't give up hope! Find out how you can appeal an academic suspension. There are options! I have been told no myself due to a medical withdrawal, and they were adamant there was no way around it. I appealed. I won, even before I was ready to go back to school. There is also an option through social security where social security can pay for school. It's through something called a Pass plan. They can give you up to $8,400 a year to cover school costs. Even if you take only 1-2 classes. (It's a little known but very real option I have applied for myself.) I am too fired to explain it well myself right now (tough day) and it may take time to find options, but please do not believe any external or internal LIES that there is no hope. Or that you are a failure. I know it feels so true right now that you are a failure and all the rest. School or not, it's just not true that you are a failure.

You are a strong, brave, smart, compassionate person who gives so much to so many people here. You have been through so much and yet you were still here fighting to heal and recover - stronger than most people who have never had to wrestle with PTSD and recovery.

You are of great value to the world, school or not. Just as you are.

Please be as kind to you as possible. :hug:


@Lucycat (and anyone else wondering) GPA stands for grade point average. It's a way to tally up grades into a numerical value and figure out the average. If grades are too low, it brings down the score.

P.p.s. Medical withdrawal should have left a semester of "w"s which doesn't look good, but should not be factored into a cumulative GPA used for financial aid.

 

[Friday]

Been there, felt that.

And since I was planning on offing myself in the next few moments or days, it was -in essence- true. Because you can only fail at the end. Right up until the end, there are 1000 ways to become a success. It's only too late when you're dead.

1) In the US a med-withdrawal DOES protect your financial aid & GPA. Bu it's a pain in the arse to make all departments abide by that. Especially in schools that get to keep undistributed funds. Essentially, it's a lot like making health insurance pay when they don't want to but have agreed to/ it covered... It takes persistence. And paperwork. And ignoring being told "no" by people who don't know better (or who are actively being obstreperous). Which is best done by an advocate (aka not you) because the process won't distress & depress them. HINT: This usually takes about a quarter to sort out (unless you find a super helpful person). Which screws up your next quarter unless (here's the hint) you get a couple professors who let you sit in the classes, so the moment your aid is sorted, you register late / pay the fee, and are already rocking out with your cock out. (Instead of explaining in appeals why you missed another quarter. Argh. Duh! Because you, you, wouldn't approve my financial aid!). It's a little crazy making if you take it personally (I did, the first time) instead of considering it a game. Okay. Your move, cancel this. My move? Get some professors on side to slide me around that problem. Your move? My move. Your move. My move.

2) I've made a series of 180s in my life. Some of those times (like the first time I lost funding at school, before I learned how to play that particular game), I've been completely lost. This was my ONE way to do XYZ. Come to find, there's never just one way. But when I'm in despair, I cannot see the other ways I can go about facing a problem. Or worse, can see them, but am to damn tired/depressed to be able to do them.

2.5) Regardless of what your short term & end goals are (school or moving away from family) there are ways to accomplish that. You've linked the two together... But they're actually separate issues. It MAY even be an opportunity to unlink them, so instead of having to wait years for what you want, you end up with an even better solution than the one you were working on before.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know that feeling of feeling like a complete failure. I have been there many times. And in the moment it feels completely hopeless. Yet somehow I have managed to come from that place to where I am now. And I still get those moments when I feel like a failure, like everything I try to do gets ruined because I am a failure. I think there's always a path, but it might not be the one we were planning. I like the suggestions of other people who have told you to try to appeal. Talk to anyone at the school who might be able to help. I hope you have found ways (other than self-harming) to help calm yourself. You are strong. You can do this.