Childhood I'm Angry At Him For The First Time. I Finally Hate Him

[kagamine]

I got told information about my second stepdad and conversations that happened when I was 17 and the shit hit the fan, things I had never heard about. Things I never knew happened. Apparently my second stepdad threatened my dad when he found out I'd gone to the police.

My dad isn't innocent, but he's nowhere in the ranks of that scum.

I realized that I truly, deeply, from the bottom of my heart, hate that disgusting and vile man. He took advantage of me and my family. He has no remorse for all the damage he's caused. I used to dissociate when people brought him up. I can't even say his name it makes me sick. I thought I had no emotions towards him, and I was numb. At one point I even thought he was okay, and that I was the one who made everything bad happen. But not anymore.

I realized how much I hate him, and it was like a dam bursting. I want to scream and throw things and god I'm so devastated, this is the worst feeling. I have never had feelings of wanting revenge, but I wish he dies in a way that's just as painful as all the years of agony he put me through. I hope he dies slowly and painfully and alone.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this anger, he's never going to be punished for what he did and I'm never going to see justice, so why do I have to be stuck with all this anger and hatred.

 

[RussH]

@kagamine. I am sorry for all the trauma you have endured, and it is so easy to be angry, and to hate those who have abused us. I understand your anger and hatred, but I do hope someday you will be able to let it go so that you can find peace for yourself.

 

[ghotiff]

From what I understand (but I'm new to trauma processing) anger comes when denial stops. With this perspective anger is a positive sign that you are moving through the grieving process for the life you should have had.

I would gently suggest to not fight your anger but allow yourself to be angry, you deserve to feel anger. By allowing yourself to feel it, I believe you will move to the next stage.

I personally haven't felt anger yet, but sometimes I feel it coming.

I hope that helps.

 

[shell]

I am starting to have little flashes of anger, it is something I believe is progress, anger is something we are entitled to, when we were children it was unsafe to feel it.

I have gone from numbing, denial and avoidance to sadness, and grieving. Anger is a healthy emotion, so long as we use it safely and wisely, it is self protective. My anger was turned inwards, it was destructive and harmful to me, I am now learning to express it in more healthy ways.

Your abuser deserves your anger, he violated your rights. Emotions come and go, it will ease in intensity when we accept what we are feeling. Hope you feel better soon.:hug:

 

[BlueOrange]

Lots of wisdom above. It can be hard to break the connection between feeling angry and acting negatively, but it is possible. The thing that has helped me most with my temper is to think of something sad. The stillness that comes from a sad thought (any sad thought) can give me the time I need to consider my actions.

If I remember to think of something sad, that is!

 

[kagamine]

@ghotiff I think it's progress, it feels like a step in the right direction. It's been pointed out to me that the way I usually talk about my trauma doesn't reflect what happened, I can laugh or be completely deadpan and nonchalant. It's hard to feel deserving of anger, but I'm starting to think I do deserve that at least.

@shell I turned my anger inward too. It's not that I never had any anger, it's that I turned all that anger and hatred on myself and punished myself. It seems like me getting more confidence and forgiving myself/learning I did nothing wrong coincides with me getting more angry with the people who've abused me, specifically my second stepdad and my mom.

@BlueOrange I think a lot of anger has sadness lurking right behind it. I'm getting sad about my memories too,and that sadness is so vast that I just become angry instead. Mostly, emotions are confusing. I'm trying to do the zen thing and just breathe. I also find distraction is helping