I'm dating a much older man: it seems like a really decent relationship but i don't expect to last

[Scarlet13]

I think if you are looking for insight, this is a pretty good one:

it's not my fault that people are abusive to me but it's my fault if i don't learn to negotiate those situations successfully. if i stay in a relationship despite knowing that it is toxic, if i make less-than-optimal decisions in terms of reporting and prosecuting the people who victimize me, this is my fault. i need to be smart and strong.

This is very wise and well said. Can you apply this to your current relationship?

it's not my job to dictate moral perfection to the people around me; I can complain but i can't change their behavior.

You can change your behavior.
What are you looking for from us?
Insight?
It sounds like you are in denial.

but if someone cares for me, who i truly am, and not who they imagine me to be, i'll keep them in my life, despite their imperfections. despite everything, this is a fairly decent, healthy relationship

Perhaps look into why you define a relationship with an unavailable man as "healthy".
Does he care for you? Really?

It strikes me that you are no different that the woman he is cheating on. You are one and the same. He goes for women with an abusive past, that may be younger than him, that he can "heal".

My insight for you is to look for these qualities in a good therapist. An older individual who is intetested in helping you to heal.

 

[Still Standing]

I am not hiding behind anything. What I have shared here is exactly how I have counseled others who have sought my counsel, in real life, as I am also an old person, with many years under my belt. I have seen way too many gals hurt because of their involvement with another taken man. I, myself, was involved with a man who was married. I thought he cherished me and understood me to the bottoms of my feet. No. He was just enjoying the sex of a 20yr. old...me and thrill of cheating on his wife and kids. I bailed quickly from that relationship because I suddenly saw his pattern. I was his third woman. After I bailed, his wife dumped him and he proceeded on to the next young gal...and so on. He was very convincing in his "love" for me. I bought it...but not for long. I somehow realized that he was a scumbag. As a woman, it is more damaging to the emotional being, as we connect heavily through the physical contact and sense of security in the man's arms, thinking that he is a protector of our hearts. When that trust is violated, it causes turmoil and uncertainty in our self-esteem. Then we do, what everalone2099 is doing, taking a falsely based thought pattern that we can control everything and always know what is best for ourself which may be true to some degree but it is really a type of self-protection, not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We call the shots and we define the undercurrent reasons to justify what we are involved in. If we bail, we think we can control the residual pains. Not true. We still hurt like heck, knowing that another relationship went nowhere and we are still alone. I would assume that by the very use of the forum name foreveralone2099 has used says volumes about what her inner heart is telling her. If she felt so strongly that this relationship is healthy and good, why use that name? Just saying...

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Harry43 REALLY??????? Absolutely none of us have said we were practicing psychology. What we do try to practice though is scruples, honesty, decency, and a really good dose of truth and honesty.

We don’t beat around the bush, we call it as we see it. Some are more prone to the softer side of things and others, like myself are queens of BLUNT!!!!!

You have to have a lot of guts to be on this forum, and to do the work required to get healthier. Apparently you’re not one of the ones with guts...... if that was your one and only post...

So, hi and I guess goodbye!!!!

 

[shimmerz]

NONE of you except the OP has even met the person you are talking about (the male) and almost certainly have also not met the OP and yet you all give text-book and home-baked-half-baked opinions as if you knew them both intimately.

lol. You don't happen to be the boyfriend, do you?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz LOL!!!! I actually thought the same thing.....

 

[shimmerz]

Right? First post? OP disappeared? Just sayin.

 

[Fadeaway]

What if . . . his wife (or whatever) suffers from dementia . . .

Your point? So what if she does, surely she has plenty moments of lucidity or she would be in a care home. When she is lucid he could discuss having a sexual surrogate with her. If she doesn't agree, he can leave the relationship. If he is her primary care taker, then he really doesn't have time to be having an affair now does he? Horrible example.

Why am I here? Because I was trying to figure out what the OP wanted from us. The OP did not ask a specific question, and is rejecting all advice given. However, given the OP's other thread it does seem that the OP is seeking kind of a wake up call.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

He is a mentor from a previous job, we worked together for some time and became quite close....

I just broke up with a man 20 years older than me. I had similar feelings of low expectations at the start of our relationship. Thought we had a good balance. He started with the "I love you" stuff early on too. I thought I could handle it and not get overly invested but I did. He had prior deception in his history too, and although his wife knew about me, he wasn't giving her the same story about expectations and a future that I was. It ended very badly. In fact, it's why I returned here to this forum for the first time in 5 years. Please be careful. This post reminds me much of what I just lived through. The sex was exactly like what you described too. You already have an out (discomfort with deceiving the other woman) and if that's not reason enough for your conscience to call it quits, don't hesitate to leave the first moment he makes you feel disrespected, manipulated, or devalued. Get out while it's still relatively easy.

maybe but it doesn't mean anything to me. the sex feels good and the relationship isn't hurti...

I am in an open marriage for a number of years now. It doesn't mean that I don't have a conscience.

I may not be responsible for other people's behaviors directly, but I do have clout and am influential. I can help prevent another woman from being hurt, or at least not be part of something my conscience deems inhumane. Is this really something you want to continue to be a part of?

How you talk about the sex, I felt this way too about a number of people I slept with. I've been polyamorous, you know, "ethical non monogamy". It always ended up with manipulation or someone falling in love or both. But I do know people who it has worked for, these casual affairs. They would never take part in something like what you're talking about (or what I just lived through), though. It would give them a bad feeling in their gut, apparently. I think our PTSD can numb us to that instinct, if we even had it to begin with. To us the most perverse things can seem normal. So yeah...you are not responsible but are you not in a way being complicit?

OP: "my life sucks therefore i am in this compromising relationship which makes things marginally better but is admittedly not perfect."

I get it, I really, really do. I felt that way too. Reading this made me want to hug you.

OP: "it doesn't boil down exactly to, "this guy is using you," because that's too simplistic."

Is there any truth in it? Either way: How are you using him? Asking myself that helped me tremendously to learn about myself (which it sounds like you are trying to do too). Another thing is to ask is "am I experiencing cognitive dissonance? If so, about what?" I wonder if cognitive dissonance and the inner tension or inquiry it causes are what led you to make this post?

You sound smart. You can use your ability to think in between black and white, and your desire to hold yourself accountable, to figure out how to use this experience for positive growth no matter what the outcome.

I think a lot of the reactions you are seeing on this forum are because people don't want you to ever go through the pain they've known, and that they worry is in store for you.

It sounds like you're not wanting to throw the baby out with the bathwater (not wanting to end the relationship even though it's not perfect) but maybe some small part of you wonders if you should?

I hope some of this gives you the insight you are seeking.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am in an open marriage for a number of years now. It doesn't mean that I don't have a conscience

There is a big difference between an open marriage and being a willing participant in the betrayal and deceit of an innocent party.

 

[Gs172003]

"I am not responsible for someone else's faithfulness"

Hmm.

That's like...." Not my fault he robbed the bank but dang it's fun spending this money"

 

[PerfectEmpire]

There is a big difference between an open marriage and being a willing participant in the betrayal and...

Exactly. She was saying how she doesn't believe in the ghosts of monogamy and fidelity. I'm trying to say that you don't have to believe in those to have a conscience and know right from wrong!

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I was dating him with the intent of learning a better attitude about men: they're not all sociopathic rapists. There's also a lingering need to center myself after growing up in an abusive family: I need people who love me and whom I can count on and I never received that and there's asense of personal instability because of it.

I did this too (tried to heal myself of my issues with men by dating). Maybe it's just my luck but it always landed me in the arms of another flawed person who hurt me or other wise didn't turn out to be what I thought. There's this idealization that happens when I think a man can help teach me a better attitude about men by being a good man. You cannot know whether a man is actually good and will do that for you until you've really gotten to know him (potentially getting hurt in the process), and knowing people can take a long time (years). That's kind of a big responsibility to attribute to any man anyway, and the fact that he would take it on so readily strikes me as arrogant or plainly not smart. By telling you this is good for you he is enabling your blossoming idealization of him, perhaps?

As for love and stability I just learned a really helpful trick to finding the right people to surround yourself with. It's called having a "constant". The book I got this from is called Psychopath Free. You can compare people to your referent, your Constant. The constant is someone who fills your heart with peace and whose intentions for you are pure and good. This constant can be yourself, but many of us are not there yet. Many of us might start with a God mother or aunt or a close friend, or even someone imaginary. Once you have a constant in mind, ask yourself whether the way you are being treated is something your constant would do to you. You can also ask if your constant would ever do some of the things that person in your life is doing to others. In this way, you can assess character.