Reflections
Silver Member
I have done some therapy this year and realized I use some dissociation to cope. It's been hard to understand myself when I dont always fit the mold and I feel overwhelmed, but therapy did help me to be more aware. I took an online test recently and it said I scored very high on dissociation, just barely the same level of dissociation that leads to DID. I have no reason to believe I have DID though. I don't relate when I read discriptions but I'm starting to think I have symptoms of derealization.
My father has an explosive temper that could be triggered by anything, which may be related to senory or autistic melt downs that he never got help for. I wasn't physically or sexually abused, but the screams, tantrums, and rage in him was as if he would kill. I was hyper vigilant of sounds, tones, voices, moods to judge if my father would switch and get away asap. If I couldn't leave (like in a car), I dealt with it by going somewhere in my imagination. I could deafen my hearing too. There was no loss of time or lack of control. I had a very clear recollection of my childhood too.
As tough as things were, I think because of school and my father's work it mitigated the time together and thus the mental toll on me. When I was 15 though, my father lost his job and couldn't find work for years. I was homeschooling myself and had to care for my sister as my mother had to now work. My sister was always screaming and fighting too. I couldnt get a car or a job, I barely left home. We moved to a small home, that literally no one helped clean or manage except me and my mother, but I couldn't keep up. It looked like a hoarders house. All the while my father was getting depressed, angry, and very confrontational. My brother is just like him, but worse. He'd destroy stuff, punch holes in walls, and was very controlling. He literally cut the phone line once because he wouldn't share the net. Everyone, but my mother, was around nearly 24/7. It was hell.
It was around 16 that I started to have problems. My vision changed. Everything looked the same except there is a layer of visual noise (visual snow) all the time. It's not too bad during the day and I've learned to ignore it, but it's harder to see at night and I would rather it wasn't there. I think sometimes it's worse but it's hard to tell. I also noticed the world didn't feel the same. It doesn't feel surreal, I don't feel like a robot, I dont feel like I'm not in my body, but I get no emotional feelings or vibes from just being in an environment. It's as if the world lost it's music and now it's eerily silent. This hasn't change for over 15 years. Until I started to cuddle somone. Slowly, I felt normal again, the world felt alive again, I felt happy like I haven't felt in so long. As far as I can tell, I felt more present in my own body in a way that was safe and loving and pleasurable. When I couldn't cuddle anymore, that all went away.
I do live more in my head/mind. I'm very imaginative and have always been a day dreamer. I would say I detach from some of my feelings/desires different stages of my life and feel emotionally blunted. I use to be indifferent about physical affection. I didn't get angry easily (not true now). I had no understanding of what was stressful or made me angry until I was at a breaking point (I'm better about this). I'm having a harder time feeling positive emotions. I had normal sexual feelings during my developement but due to sex negative messages, I thought sexual feelings were inappropriate. I easily put them away in a mental box and they stayed muted for a very long time. I have noticed lately, how much trouble I have reading information on a screen (like in a video game). There's just too much to take in, I can't see it all. So I can't play as well as my friends. Sometimes I check out when I'm playing games or doing other things, when it gets repetitive.
My father and brother aren't around anymore, and since they left I purposely tired to put the bad out of mind. So my memory is hazy now on details I didn't realize how hazy until I couldn't recall much for therapy, but it's not like I didn't know my history before and I have journals. I feel tired all the time. I do feel like the world is so overwhelming and my body is trying to keep it out.
Therapy helped me to be more mindful and I'm more aware of things that do give me feelings and I know I can evoke positive feelings in myself (like listening to music or the feel of water). My therapist didn't help much with self soothing or helping me manage my anxiety. She kept wanting to go straight into trauma. Therapy was very anxiety producing that I had trouble remembering sessions and would dissociate from my body. It's very disconcerting since she was suppose to understand ptsd, trauma, and anxiety, but she wasn't really hearing me and started looking for hidden trauma... like what I told her wasn't painful or traumatic enough. It's really invalidating when people don't understand that it was that horrible.
I'm not seeing a therapist atm. Honestly I feel discouraged in finding someone who will treat me right who I can afford (I have no money). I want to feel normal again.
Dose it sound like derealization? Or just dissociation? Should I be concerned about DID? Should I just look for someone who can help with anxiety and self soothing or should I look for someone who specializes in PTSD? What kind of therapy helps? What can I do to help myself?
I'm sorry this is so long, but thank you for reading. Any input is appreciated. Even if only to know I'm not alone.
My father has an explosive temper that could be triggered by anything, which may be related to senory or autistic melt downs that he never got help for. I wasn't physically or sexually abused, but the screams, tantrums, and rage in him was as if he would kill. I was hyper vigilant of sounds, tones, voices, moods to judge if my father would switch and get away asap. If I couldn't leave (like in a car), I dealt with it by going somewhere in my imagination. I could deafen my hearing too. There was no loss of time or lack of control. I had a very clear recollection of my childhood too.
As tough as things were, I think because of school and my father's work it mitigated the time together and thus the mental toll on me. When I was 15 though, my father lost his job and couldn't find work for years. I was homeschooling myself and had to care for my sister as my mother had to now work. My sister was always screaming and fighting too. I couldnt get a car or a job, I barely left home. We moved to a small home, that literally no one helped clean or manage except me and my mother, but I couldn't keep up. It looked like a hoarders house. All the while my father was getting depressed, angry, and very confrontational. My brother is just like him, but worse. He'd destroy stuff, punch holes in walls, and was very controlling. He literally cut the phone line once because he wouldn't share the net. Everyone, but my mother, was around nearly 24/7. It was hell.
It was around 16 that I started to have problems. My vision changed. Everything looked the same except there is a layer of visual noise (visual snow) all the time. It's not too bad during the day and I've learned to ignore it, but it's harder to see at night and I would rather it wasn't there. I think sometimes it's worse but it's hard to tell. I also noticed the world didn't feel the same. It doesn't feel surreal, I don't feel like a robot, I dont feel like I'm not in my body, but I get no emotional feelings or vibes from just being in an environment. It's as if the world lost it's music and now it's eerily silent. This hasn't change for over 15 years. Until I started to cuddle somone. Slowly, I felt normal again, the world felt alive again, I felt happy like I haven't felt in so long. As far as I can tell, I felt more present in my own body in a way that was safe and loving and pleasurable. When I couldn't cuddle anymore, that all went away.
I do live more in my head/mind. I'm very imaginative and have always been a day dreamer. I would say I detach from some of my feelings/desires different stages of my life and feel emotionally blunted. I use to be indifferent about physical affection. I didn't get angry easily (not true now). I had no understanding of what was stressful or made me angry until I was at a breaking point (I'm better about this). I'm having a harder time feeling positive emotions. I had normal sexual feelings during my developement but due to sex negative messages, I thought sexual feelings were inappropriate. I easily put them away in a mental box and they stayed muted for a very long time. I have noticed lately, how much trouble I have reading information on a screen (like in a video game). There's just too much to take in, I can't see it all. So I can't play as well as my friends. Sometimes I check out when I'm playing games or doing other things, when it gets repetitive.
My father and brother aren't around anymore, and since they left I purposely tired to put the bad out of mind. So my memory is hazy now on details I didn't realize how hazy until I couldn't recall much for therapy, but it's not like I didn't know my history before and I have journals. I feel tired all the time. I do feel like the world is so overwhelming and my body is trying to keep it out.
Therapy helped me to be more mindful and I'm more aware of things that do give me feelings and I know I can evoke positive feelings in myself (like listening to music or the feel of water). My therapist didn't help much with self soothing or helping me manage my anxiety. She kept wanting to go straight into trauma. Therapy was very anxiety producing that I had trouble remembering sessions and would dissociate from my body. It's very disconcerting since she was suppose to understand ptsd, trauma, and anxiety, but she wasn't really hearing me and started looking for hidden trauma... like what I told her wasn't painful or traumatic enough. It's really invalidating when people don't understand that it was that horrible.
I'm not seeing a therapist atm. Honestly I feel discouraged in finding someone who will treat me right who I can afford (I have no money). I want to feel normal again.
Dose it sound like derealization? Or just dissociation? Should I be concerned about DID? Should I just look for someone who can help with anxiety and self soothing or should I look for someone who specializes in PTSD? What kind of therapy helps? What can I do to help myself?
I'm sorry this is so long, but thank you for reading. Any input is appreciated. Even if only to know I'm not alone.
