Relationship I'm Freaking Out

[BewitchedBewildered]

So, some of you on here might remember me and my story and broken heart. To make a long story short- was with a sufferer for 2.5 yrs who dumped me by isolating- ignoring calls, texts, letters. No violence ever, his issues are some hyper vigilance, but mostly stress leads to emotional numbing, to depression to isolation.

So, I have not seen him or heard from him in a year and tonight he texts asking if I would see him. It's only been in the last 2-3 months that I felt I was finally getting over him. And he pops up. And I didn't say no, didn't call him to talk it out. We live in different cities and would too often have the emotional conversations on the phone.

I did tell him he needed to be prepared to talk about the last year in person. That we would could not pretend it didn't happen and that I didn't know what it would mean.

Part of me thinks I should have turned him away, part of me isn't suprised I didn't. I loved this man so much. He isn't perfect, we were never perfect. I do not look back with rose colored glasses. But we were best friends. I am so confused right now. And I'm scared. Scared to death I will make the wrong decision and he will break my heart again. How can I possibly ever trust him again? I seriously doubt I can get him to go back to therapy. What am I doing?

 

[Jane.l]

Well maybe that could be your promise to yourself - not to get involved unless he agrees to go back to therapy - either way sounds like it could be a tough road for you to take - so don't rush into anything - take it real slow - no decisions have to be made right now - maybe you need to hear him out and then spend some time thinking about what's best for you .

 

[LilBit]

I'm just happy for you that you even think it is an option. My sufferer still will not speak to me. I understand your freakout, I don't know how I would handle it either. Rejection, pain, and all the hurt from all that time don't just disappear. And the anger.

 

[Justmehere]

Did he say why he wanted to see you?

I'd be feeling freaked out too. :hug: This could be a case of him wanting to tell you about a new girlfriend or goodness knows what. If he wants to meet with you about rekindling a friendship or more, that would be tough. I suggest writing down for yourself under what conditions you would get back together with him. Then stuck to it even when emotions come into play more.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I outright asked him why he wanted to see me, he said because he missed me. I told him we would need to talk and then I would see where we were, but no promises.

Writing down my conditions/ boundaries is a really good idea, I think. It's strange, I tend to be a very logic-driven person, but with him my emotions get the better of me. Logically, he isn't my most sound choice, but, at the end of the day, it's just him. I don't know. I wonder if I'm being a fool. But he never lied to me, was never dishonest. Our relationship was based on pure honesty. Not always the most comfortable Rel, especially when he was stressed, but I don't trust easily and I trusted him. Until the last 2-3 months I expected him to come back into my life. But we both have pretty serious issues with "needing" anyone and that can be difficult. I just feel torn between being relieved he is ok, happy he contacted me, furious he thinks he can walk away and then just come back when it's good for him, foolish for even thinking of giving him another chance to hurt me, and wanting to hold him.

I, as best I can after months of therapy and reading books and this forum, understand his PSTD, but does that relieve him of all accountability? And deep down, I do not want to be another person to let him down. I told him I would always be his friend, no matter what. But I won't be able to just be friends with him. Not him. I just don't know. Avoidance felt like the worst kind of betrayal. And explaining just how badly he hurt me, how will that affect him? Will it or could it send him right back into depression? And my needs are no less than his. I need to feel safe too, would I ever feel that again with him?

Writing it out is a good idea. I'm really not usually a weak, girly-girl. But he affects me. I'm 44 and I've loved 2 other men. I don't love easily, but when I do, I'm all in. You know what I mean? It's sometimes stronger than my intellect. I don't know, so many thoughts running thru my head.

 

[nursenurse]

You are treading in dangerous waters. You have moved on. Nothing wrong with saying no to him. He may have exhausted all his other resources before turning back. And you also know that this could happen again. Protect your heart. You deserve so much more.

If you do elect to talk to him, make sure you sift through everything. Make sure you have absolute proof if he says he has been for counselling. If he hasn't, adios. If he asks if you trust him, the bottom line is NO.

Why you would want to put yourself back in with a man who has proven that you already cannot trust him with your heart is beyond me. Don't give him another kick at your can. Great if he has had help. Don't be his experiment. Move on. Good luck.

 

[shimmerz]

Trust a liar to lie. Trust a leaver to leave. If it happened once, it will almost surely happen again. Were the first words out of his mouth 'I am so sorry to have abandoned you like that?' I think not. People who use PTSD as a cover for bad behaviour do not do the rest of us any good what-so-ever. Most of us with PTSD know what abandonment feels like and would never be able to do so to someone we cared about. If he didn't have PTSD would you put up with this?

 

[nursenurse]

I agree with Shimmerz. If you had to ask him why he called, and he didn't admit to being a bad apple, just that he missed you, shows that he is in denial or maybe just a conceited lout who will hurt you yet again, because, as I said before, his other options are done. Don't give him that chance, by your last posting, you are already in a teetering position, you cannot have him as a friend, you said. Quit thinking about how what you will say will hurt him, and remember all the hell that you have been through because this inconsiderate poor excuse for a man just dropped you out of his life like you were a piece of paper stuck to his gluey hands. Accountable? You bet he is accountable, and there is a place for folks like that who toy with emotions. It's called Hell.

 

[shimmerz]

People with PTSD should absolutely be accountable. And if they aren't then someone has to 'learn 'em'.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Please help me understand - a man with PTSD reaches out to the woman he has ignored for a year (after a 2.5 yr relationship), I know isolation/ avoidance- says he misses her and wants to see her, asks her to come see him (they live in different cities). She tells him she can see him the next weekend, but it would be difficult for her to go there, it would be better if he could come to her. He says they will work it out. Then she tells him they will have to have a long, serious talk. She will see him, but she cannot make any promises. She says she will see him if he understands that, he agrees. then as weekend gets closer she texts him asking if he is coming to see her or if she needs to make arrangements to go there. He says he is busy and has to work all memorial day weekend, maybe later. What the heck is up with that/ Is that some game? A test? Something more?

so confused.

 

[nursenurse]

BB, you are being strung along again. Fid you talk to your T about this latest stuff? I am so sorry. I wish you could end this once and for all. If you were that important, he would have gone to the ends of the earth to right his wrongs and medley you feel special, at least this time. How much more can your soul take?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Honestly, I'm ok. Yes, confused. Would like to understand why he does this. But, I feel ok. When he canceled, I was mad. I didn't cry. I wasn't even really suprised. After a few days, I feel ok. I feel like I have more closure than I had before.

I did talk to my T about it all. I told her I wouldn't contact him again. I'm done. She agrees, however she also thinks I should sit down with him if he shows up, at some point, so I can get real closure. She thinks it's possible. I'm not sure I agree, but time will tell.