I'm In Hospital

[Orsino]

As I write this I'm in hospital. My fiance left me for another person. The last overdose I took was before I met her, and it was only really because of her I didn't attempt again but I feel I don't have anything else worth being here for. I took quite a serious overdose on 2 boxes of lithium tablets and quite a large intake of disinfectant fluid and I've done quite a bit of damage.

This isn't my first overdose, but I have been told if happens again I won't survive it. This has left me with mixed feelings. I really don't want to be here anymore. I'm only 19 but I 've gone through so much I feel like I 've seen everything in life I can cope with and I just don't want to do this anymore. I've lost quite a few close relatives and I feel like I 'd be better off being gone because I know I 've never been as happy as I was when they were here and it feels more appealing than living does.

At the same time, it shocked me. While I've had fairly serious overdoses only one has level permanent damage and was expecting either to be successful this time round or that I'd be okay and let out the next day where I'd try again. I've damaged up to 20% of my liver and I've damaged the lining of my stomach to the point it might have to be corrected by minor surgery and it has become ulcerated and I'm going to be starting a longish line of treatment tomorrow in order to hopefully heal my liver as best as possible.

I've also burnt my throat from the disinfectant as it's mostly an acidic substance. I'm really not sure whether its, it might sound ungrateful but I'm really not sure I want to be here anymore and I'm scared that I really have no idea what I want out of life anymore. The pain is almost unbearable but I'm not sure that it's the damage thats hurting the most, my emotional state is crumbling and I just don't know what to do.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Orsinio)))))

Keep writing, reading, and most of all, being kind to yourself.

 

[Lionheart]

Hi Orsino,

I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you are experiencing. It is difficult to fight PTSD/Depression; the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness seem to overtake our ability to function rationally and this is when we need professional intervention, so I am glad that you are in the hospital where you are relatively safe and can recieve that help.

I cut my wrists when I was 19, (I am an old fart now), lol :) I wanted to die because I had seen and experienced too much pain. (I am a survivor of severe, prolonged, sexual child-abuse). Fortunately, I survived to try several more times. When I wasn't involved in active suicide, I was participating in a passive, unconscious death wish by abusing myself with drugs and alcohol, high risk sex, cutting and burning myself etc. and I used to pray to die.

Those days are long since gone. I found myself a really good trauma therapist and I committed to getting myself some serious professional help. I strolled in there with a notebook and pen and started taking notes. I even had my therapist doing homework at night to help me recover some peace and sanity. I tried all of the medications that were prescribed to me until I found the right dosage and combination of meds.

It has been 31 years since I first tried suicide and I have had many experiences. Believe it or not, a lot of them were good experiences that I would not trade for anything in the world, although I would be lying if I said it was all good and happy. I have my bad days just like everyone else, but I have a perfect reason to live now....freedom, peace, comfort, tranquility, love, happiness, laughter etc.; I deserve to have these experiences in my life and so do you!!!

I hope you won't sell yourself short, there is so much in life that we get to enjoy as we heal from this stuff and it just keeps getting better....but first there is the work of healing and *we, *(the good people of this forum), will be here to encourage and support you along the way....if you will let them/us. I hope that you will!!

I pray that you will come to want to live and enjoy a full and happy life.

Wishing you only the best,
LH

 

[Hashi]

I want to say that I hear you and I'm sending many, many, many wishes for your healing. Healing in every sense, emotional healing as well as physical.

I understand your urges and your ambivalence about where you are now, but this is where you are now. You're still here and it sounds like you have a team supporting you in healing physically. I hope there are people to support you emotionally and mentally too.

In terms of what you want out of life, I know this is one of the oldest cliches in the book, but you can take it one day at a time... one step at a time, one hour at a time, whatever you need. My own feelings about trying to step away from it all compared to trying to make it work (step by painful step) are that I have nothing to lose by keeping trying. Perhaps there is something there that I'll reach that I just can't imagine at the moment. If I don't give that a try, I'll never know. And something feels better about trying compared to not trying.

I'm not minimising your feelings for a moment. I know what hopelessness is. Also, I know what it is to have medical treatment with uncertainty about the outcome. In my experience, though, survival tends to override it. And if I'm going to survive, why not give it another try? And another, and another...

I hope this comes across right. I don't mean to imply that it's easy or easily got round. Just that... we're still here, you know? Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe we can do this. I believe that every one of us can reach healing, just that for some of us it's so unbelievably difficult we start to doubt it.

Please take care of yourself,

Hashi

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Orsino)))I am so sorry that you having these horrible feelings! I read your post about being you beingvery, very hopeless, and tired, and wanting never to feel pain again. I implore that you 'stay around' and see what you are meant to be. Every day is a new day, every new start IS a new start, and you have much growing and learning to do, and the first step is reaching out, and here you are!

I grew up feeling that I should not exist, felt like a burden to everyone, and not even worth knowing. I finally learned that for me (I'm 55), it was not so much wanting to be dead...it was that I was so very tired of hurting and WANTING to die. It's a horrible feeling, and I want to tell you that it will pass, there is help, and DON'T GIVE UP.

When you choose life, and living, you can choose with purpose, even as a result of your bad, sad feelings. More of the world suffers from this horrible condition could heal if they would try to get help in any way. You CAN heal, you Can deal with life, and that is what you are doing. By allowing yourself to be in the hospital, you are choosing life. That is awesome!!

I've been the Psyche Unit 3 times in my long life, and each time it was the best thing for me, and I learned that I had to care enough about ME to reach any goals or potential. Concentrate on the tools of coping that you did not get as a child, for whatever reason. Be open to new ideas, and other people's stories.

You are in the perfect place to 'fall apart', rage, cry, dig deep into your soul. Here, and in real life. Some may call it 'the bottom'. I chose to call it starting a new life, and thriving and you can too! Learning to DEAL in the moment, stay out of the past, and know that healing is possible, and probable if you use all the 'tools' you will be learning in the hospital. At least I hope you are in a GOOD hospital with good staff!

 

[Heather]

Orsino - I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I wish you peace and healing.

Hugs. Heather

 

[tigrou465]

Orsino
As many already said I hear your pain. I just came out myself of the hospital. Like you at the beginning I did not know if I should or not accept the treatment they were proposing to me. I said yes - I still don't know how came I did say yes instead of no. I did received some electrochoc just to let you know what kind of treatment I had. Even if my memory is not working very wel presently and don'T know if it will become permanent, I am today happy for saying yes. Each day is to be considerer one at a time, I have to m ake efforts each day but it's worth it. Please keep on writing to us we will try to help and support you. You have friends here who cares about you. We care xxx

 

[Srain]

Orsino,

I can't add much to what others have said other than I'm glad you are writing about this and hope that you continue. It's a rough place to be, I've been there myself more than I care to share but what I do know there was no group available to me like this, with these insights and this much support. Those that actually knew what it felt like to go through what I was going through because I didn't talk about it and because nobody else did either.

I hope you continue to reach out and look towards what could be not what is, some times that helps me.
Peace,
Rain