joeylittle
Sponsor
Gotcha (on the MDMA use) - my apologies, for some reason I didn't catch the detail you provided within your first post.
Here's my two cents - the talk therapy aspect of MDMA use is absolutely therapeutically valid, in my humble opinion. BUT, what it doesn't do is provide you with all the other "coping with churning up trauma" stabilization skills that a good therapist will constantly be seeding into your trauma therapy work. It's maybe a little like trying to climb Everest without the help of any Sherpa guides - one can absolutely do it, but your chances of getting lost along the way, misreading the weather, or trusting bad ice are significantly greater.
The other issue is the depression. Some of that is not having any ongoing stabilization coaching with someone really good, but some of it might be capital-D Depression in its own right. I'm just talking as someone with both major depressive disorder and PTSD - I know my biological depression pretty well, and it is different from the depressive thoughts I have due to manifestations of my other PTSD symptoms.
One thing you could try differently would be to actually put some energy into treating your depression more directly, and let the trauma work rest for a bit. Really shop around (again?), find a therapy style that you like - go for people who can talk really eloquently about which modalities they are trained in and why they use what they use - find that person who you can trust to be your clinician - and work on the depression piece. You might benefit from a psychiatrist who also does straight therapy, that way you could get good medication counsel as well. The good psychs don't actually want everyone to be on medication - the goal is to get you better, not drugged.
Any of this helping?
