I'm Messed Up

[Miss_Understood]

Since this is the place to vent I'm gonna vent, I apologize for the novella I'm writing.
I've never had an easy life, my family wasn't the greatest, I got kicked out for being gay at 15, was disowned, had to couch surf and lie to get a job. I've been working since I was 15, mostly in meaningless jobs where I get taken advantage of because I want to please others. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want sympathy.

I met my wife ten years ago and that was the happiest moment of my life. We've had our ups and downs. I'll get back to that later.

I got attacked at work several years ago, hit over the head, and nearly strangled to death. The police officers didn't take it seriously, handcuffed me and made me make a statement before I was taken to the hospital. Was told if I was straight it wouldn't of happened. I honestly feel like part if me died that day. I didn't deal with my ptsd.

I pretended everything was ok, I drowned my emotional pain in drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything, I felt unworthy, useless, and like I've become a burden to others. I also feel weak for needing help or feeling bad when others have give through much more than I and seem stronger than I am.

These feelings have only gotten worse, and I withdrew to the point my wife had an emotional affair on me because I just wasn't there. This completely crushed me but part of me was happy because I feel like I should be punished. It's like part of me doesn't wanna be loved. I want everyone to hate me as much as I hate myself.


I began taking up to 8 benedryl a night just to help me sleep. I wasn't eating, I was drinking all the time, smoking too much marijuana and pushing myself too hard at work and not admitting I needed help. I finally asked for help and the next day I have two tonic clonic seizures. Had to spend three days in the hospital, got diagnosed with epilepsy, had to stop working as much which makes me feel more worthless than I already feel.

I'm just kind of rambling because I don't know what to do anymore, I feel lost, I feel cheated, I feel stupid for feeling this way at 28, I should have this all figured out. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have so many fears, doubts and concerns. I want to go to school but I am afraid I can't due to my limitations from my problems. I feel like I'm stuck.


I need help.

I feel alone even though my wife is here with me. The night I had a seizure she saved my life because I stopped breathing. Part of wishes she didn't. I feel like I'm not a good person anymore.

Maybe I'm just clinically insane and should be committed...

I'm afraid of getting the help I need because that means I have to face the demons inside me. It's much easier to just let them destroy me.

The sad part is that I know I need help desperately but I don't feel like deserve help, I feel like I deserve nothing.

I've taken so much from other people especially my wife. I'm an awful selfish human devoid of caring.

I hate myself.

I'm become everything I hate, I know I'm no good for anyone the way I am now. I can hardly admit I'm depressed. It's easier to talk on here behind the anonymity of a computer screen than it is for me to admit to the people who've done nothing but love me when I've just shit on them.

 

[madmax]

The demons inside you will kill you if you fail to seek therapy.....institutionalization.

Speaking from experience all the "coke" ,alcohol and marijuana you take to hide.mask suppress whatever....is actually more bullshit you have to manage or not.....when you attain simplification in your life you will still have a heavy road to travel....thing is when you reach some modicome of control life becomes pallitable.

max

 

[franciemarnie]

Even though you feel you don't deserve help, you must get help.

Someday when you are better, you will look back and be glad, and you will see that you certainly deserved help.

You can't see right now because all the pain is obscuring your vision. Hold out for the truth. Don't be fooled by despair. Don't give up.

 

[Miss_Understood]

My wife wants to take me to a suicide watch at the hospital, I might get the help I need...

 

[Miss_Understood]

I feel so utterly selfish for how I've behaved tonight and for my refusal of help. I just hope it's not too late.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Miss_Understood. You deserve help, no matter what. Talking about the past trauma is hard, but to get it all out is the only healthy way forward. Otherwise it follows you around no matter where you go. You can do it! You can face the past trauma, and find a better life. Let the next 28 years be full of peace, love, hope and promise for yourself! And then the next 28 years after that.

 

[macca]

Every baby born is worthy of life, and worthy of being loved. You were born with those rights, and though your family rejected you, it only means that they had some very mistaken ideas. It doesn't mean you weren't worthy. Being attacked as you were was not your fault either. You are not selfish, just struggling. The PTSD is talking. There is a way forward, and sometimes that way forward is to hang in there, even while the waves pound you, because it's like you are in a storm. Get through the storm, and it won't feel like such a struggle. There will likely be more storms, and this is where getting help can prepare you, and lesson their severity. You deserve this help. It is a human right. It took me decades to go and get help - once I got there, I wished I had done it sooner.

 

[Barconian]

I tell you what @Miss_Understood Rambling! Gives out lots of facts. Read what you wrote and look at the reasons why you are where you are... You wrote them down! There is a light at the end of your tunnel, if you keep digging your way out!!! I'm impressed :)

 

[bell]

@Miss_Understood, sometimes the only way to get 'round a storm is through. And, unfortunately, the way through is much harder than tip-toeing around it (which is what you're doing trying to control the storm with substances). But... once you buckle up, put your head down, and barrel through it (therapy), you'll know you're stronger than that damn storm and have whupped it to boot. Take care of yourself. You're young and have plenty of good years left with that wife of yours, who sounds like a keeper. :)

 

[therisa]

@Missunderstood , I have been where you find yourself, and it's a very scary place, but you are reaching out for help, which means you haven't given up upon yourself. No matter, what your inner critic says, to you, you're a worthy person, who deserves healing. Please, give your wife's advice, a chance to work, you may be surprised, in that it helps to face your demons, head on and deal with them.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I think it's the ptsd talking but I feel like she doesn't understand me or my ptsd. I'm so angry with her for having an emotional affair on me. That completely crushed me and made be feel like she didn't care at all about me. I never expected to be hurt by her and she hurt me so badly that I can't trust her the way I used to.

Now she wants me to go to the suicide lockdown when I'm screaming that I need a therapist but where do I pay for that since I am not working very much? Where is my break?


I've been dealing with all this on my own for the fear of burdening others with my problems. My life isn't that bad yet I feel so depressed, so angry, and so cheated. I literally feel like part of me died that day.

My wife blamed herself for my unhappiness which makes me feel worse than I already do. It's not her fault, the way I feel is my fault. She doesn't understand ptsd and that makes me angry.



I feel like I messed things up by talking. I'm so selfish , I can't stand the person I am.

 

[digger]

Does she want you to go to hospital because you are suicidal, or because she's afraid you are heading that way. I guess if you can't afford therapy and she doesn't feel able to support you adequately herself, it's a bit of a rock and a hard place situation. Maybe it's the only way she can see to get you help. What would you rather she did or suggest? Not saying that to make you feel bad, just to look at what options there are for both of you to manage this safely.

Can I ask what you mean by an emotional affair?