I'm New To This & All Ears...

[I love my veteran❤️]

HELLLLLPPP...

I am currently dating a 24yr army veteran, with 4 deployments & retired for 1yr. We began dating about 9months ago & it was truly amazing until the last maybe few months. He has become hot & cold, distancing himself, not showing for holidays & twice when he has felt he truly disappointed me, stated he needed space, needed to find himself, wasn't sure what ales him happy. All the while, he & I have been planning future vacations together, building a home & he has repeatedly spoken of us getting married, "going through grandparent hood together". When I ask him about the space, he says he still feels the same & loves me dearly but doesn't know exactly what he wants. I think the hardest part for me is not the giving him space but not knowing when that is coming on. I know he is in a transition period in his life, post active duty, and he's under a lot of stress. He's still trying to find a job & also attempting to help with his beautiful daughters in which he doesn't get a lot of support from his ex. Aka another stress. He often jokes about having PTSD but has never been diagnosed. He ask me a few times do I think he's crazy, in which I respond very lovingly "no, but it may help to talk to someone". He hasn't fully agreed to that but he hasn't declined either. I think because of the negative stigmas, he is some what afraid of getting help. As I do my own research, he has many of the symptoms I have seen listed: insomnia, hopelessness(per his words), he often expresses feeling like he doesn't deserve me, after good communication for days, maybe weeks he will back completely off for many days, anywhere from 3-4 days up to 12days with minimal text & no phone calls.

Please help!!! I am so proud of my veteran & his time served but it took a lot away from him. How can I help? How can I love him without losing me? I don't want to be an added stress but I don't want him to face this ugly thing alone...thanks guys

 

[pepper_e]

Being a veteran with a similar story I can tell you this:

Communicate, Communicate and COMMUNICATE.

There are going to be times when he will be in your arms, but a million miles away. And other times when he will be the strongest man you have ever known, and crumbling inside.

Set up ground rules, if he needs space he has to tell you. If he says he needs space and really means less space, hold him til he returns. If he really does have PTSD get him to the VA, you and he are about to embark on a journey of life, make sure you start off on solid ground.

Get him the support and guidance needed to straighten things out, if he can't verbalize the words have him write them down for you. Anything to get him to talk to you. Communication is key here, for too long I spent my life bottling up everything I went through and it came back with a vengeance.

 

[I love my veteran❤️]

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate your words. The concern I have with him communicating when he needs space, it's almost as if he doesn't feel it coming at times. Good example, a while back we had been talking, communication going well for several days, we spoke one morning as he was going to drop his daughters off to their mom, he says "hey, let me run them in, I'll call you back in a sec"; needless to say that was his last phone call for several days. I know the relationship with him & their mother is pretty rough, so I'm thinking this may actually be a trigger for him.

I totally agree about the communication piece & I definitely think he bottles up a lot. Sometimes he will open up & randomly begin to talk about things he saw while being deployed or I'll get a random text about feeling guilty about mistakes in his life or feeling hopeless. I try to respond with encouraging words but I don't know how that affects him. Sometimes he responds with an "I love you" and others, no response at all. It's so many unknowns & I just don't want to make anything worst.

Thanks again

 

[pepper_e]

I can't say for him, but I know in my own experiences the "hope-filled" words can irritate me because it becomes like "you don't get it" moment for me. Because all I can think about are the negative things in life.

But I know what helps me is the "we" messages, the ones that reinforce that who I am with is going to be there at the end of the day. And whether you hear from him, or not, make it a point to let him know you're thinking of him, whether he picks up or not, call and wish him a good night where ever he may be. After awhile you'll see that he may not come around, but you'll at least get a good night back. And that is a start. Be the someone that he can count on to be stable. Stability is something I know I need in life after the army, after Iraq. And the woman I am with is my rock on my worst days.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The concern I have with him communicating when he needs space, it's almost as if he doesn't feel it coming at times.

I don't think they do feel it coming on a lot of the times... sometimes it just seems to hit like a ton of bricks.

 

[emz315]

@I love my veteran❤️ i know this is hard i'm understanding because i go through it too and i'm going through it right now mine may be a little different but it is important to sit down with the other and discuss boundaries.... i spent 8 days with no contact with mine as i initiated the space for him as i could see he needed it..... however in that time i wrote down all these boundaries to which i was going to discuss with him... he is currently in a very bad place but communicating really was the key i also printed of this list for him

1. if he requires space he needs to tell me as i cannot read minds i dont need to know everything but just reassurance that it has nothing to do with me and that if he needs this space i need to have a few texts a week saying that his okay or texting me back if i text him.
2. on the beggining of each month for 5 days we have rejuvination period like " mind camp" where we really focus on ourselves only and on the 6th day we get in contact and arrange to see eachother
3. that we will still remain in contact during the week when we are apart day on day off with call or texting
4. that at the moment we are to see eachother on the weekend and spend that time together
5. I requested that he also needed to respect my feeling and my reasons for staying with him
6. that if at anytime it got to hard and to prevent further hurt i would walk away no questions asked
7. Communicating and initiating contact aswell so i'm not always doing it (still working on this one because he would rather shut himself away completly)
8. taking day by day and not organising to much in advance
9. he will try to do the best he can in pushing himself to call or text me even if his not having a good day on the days we have day on day off and if i dont hear from him by a certain time i text him

but its also about reinforcing these with the person is very important so your not a doormat

HUGS:)

 

[I love my veteran❤️]

Those are some great boundary ideas...I will definitely be stealing some of those.

Thanks
Xoxoxo

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

I keep saying this so sorry to those who have heard it all before.

He's an adult not a five year old. Adults get to decide what they do and don't do. You cannot set boundaries for other adults. What are you going to do? Send him to the naughty corner? The only person you can set a boundary for is yourself.

So... the boundary is not "You must not hit me." It's not even "if you hit me I will leave you.": The boundary is "If he hits me I must leave him."

By all means communicate your boundaries to your partner, but don't attempt to control his behaviour.

In fairness to @emz315 I think what she is talking about are not really boundaries, but an agreement between the two of them as to how to manage their relationship without overwhelming her partner.

 

[emz315]

@Sighs yes apologies it is more of an agreement ..boundaries are probably not the correct word for this scenario but was a very good agreement on both sides

 

[I love my veteran❤️]

Thanks @Sighs!!! I agree with you as far as the limit setting has to be a standard for myself for what I will & will not/cannot tolerate. I also think its a great idea to have boundaries/agreements in which he & I both can use during his time of needing space so that he can get the support that he needs during that time without feeling alone. He's in a good place right now, so I actually just came out & asked him. He feels the continued text & calls during that time help, because when I don't, it makes him feel guilty for shutting me out but at the same time, he's not really able to pull out of it immediately on his own. He also went on to say, it's usually one of those phone calls or text that triggers him back to reality once he has decompressed on his own for a few days.

Thanks for each of your support

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I love your username :)

I think because of the negative stigmas, he is some what afraid of getting help

@holdenmonty talked about this stigma and how he learned that: Link Removed

"If you're having issues, don't be afraid to seek help. You're not alone," he said. "Being diagnosed with PTSD doesn't mean you're crazy, it simply means you've experienced things most people haven't and you have to find the path to your new normal."

He also posted a video which I have not watched yet... but I definitely will.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/coming-out-of-the-ptsd-closet-so-to-speak.50953/#post-813721