I think I have PTSD, and I don't know how to talk about it with the people in my life. I found my younger brother after he had hung himself in the basement of my home, February 2011. My doctor decided to treat me in advanced for PTSD, to try and avoid it. I was on anti-depressants and therapy. The pills I stopped taking early on, I did not like how they made me feel. But I did stay in therapy for 6 months before moving to Europe for school.
I used to have alot of dreams about trying to prevent his death, and finding him dead anyway, and finding other people dead, and dreams where I actually am the cause of other people's suicide. now I have them occasionally, but not as often. I can still dream that day over and over though, awake or asleep, sometimes it just plays in my head.
The biggest parts for me is that I cannot handle stress, if i miss a bus, or while preparing for an exam, i cry, and can't breathe, and sometimes I just want to stop doing anything that could cause me stress - so I avoid, and then it just gets worse because I can't avoid forever. The feeling of any kind of stress makes me want to scream and call for help, because I feel like I'm right back in my basement. It makes me feel crazy, it makes me feel like i'm not me anymore. I'm trying to study international business - something I loved doing before this, and over a year later, i stilll cannot function at a high enough level to be able to do the things I need to do.
I hate talking to my family about this, because then its a big group grieving over our loss, and not how to help me. and then i get anxious because I cause them to be worried, and then I get angry because they want to communicate more and then I just shut down and push them away again. And my boyfriends doesn't understand it. He's patient with me when I have a bad day, but he doesn't understand how normal life stresses can upset me so much. I don't even understand it, how can he?
I also have no connection to the things I used to want, which really makes me sad. I had such drive, and direction, now I have no interest in the educational things that once made me really excited. But at the same time I keep putting pressure on myself to do well, which then starts the stress - crying - anxiety attack situations.
It has been over a year now, and I miss my brother like crazy, but I miss me more. I see myself everyday but who I used to be isn't in there anymore..... I'm failing at the things I try to do... which is not what I do.
I used to have alot of dreams about trying to prevent his death, and finding him dead anyway, and finding other people dead, and dreams where I actually am the cause of other people's suicide. now I have them occasionally, but not as often. I can still dream that day over and over though, awake or asleep, sometimes it just plays in my head.
The biggest parts for me is that I cannot handle stress, if i miss a bus, or while preparing for an exam, i cry, and can't breathe, and sometimes I just want to stop doing anything that could cause me stress - so I avoid, and then it just gets worse because I can't avoid forever. The feeling of any kind of stress makes me want to scream and call for help, because I feel like I'm right back in my basement. It makes me feel crazy, it makes me feel like i'm not me anymore. I'm trying to study international business - something I loved doing before this, and over a year later, i stilll cannot function at a high enough level to be able to do the things I need to do.
I hate talking to my family about this, because then its a big group grieving over our loss, and not how to help me. and then i get anxious because I cause them to be worried, and then I get angry because they want to communicate more and then I just shut down and push them away again. And my boyfriends doesn't understand it. He's patient with me when I have a bad day, but he doesn't understand how normal life stresses can upset me so much. I don't even understand it, how can he?
I also have no connection to the things I used to want, which really makes me sad. I had such drive, and direction, now I have no interest in the educational things that once made me really excited. But at the same time I keep putting pressure on myself to do well, which then starts the stress - crying - anxiety attack situations.
It has been over a year now, and I miss my brother like crazy, but I miss me more. I see myself everyday but who I used to be isn't in there anymore..... I'm failing at the things I try to do... which is not what I do.
