The first time something happened was when I was little, maybe about 6 or 7. I was at a family members house, I was with my cousin who was about 14 at the time. The rest of the family was upstairs so I was alone downstairs with my cousin. He began touching me and being only young I had no idea what was happening. I asked him what he was doing and he just said it was okay. I never told anyone. We didn’t see that part of the family often so the next time I saw him was a couple of years later at my Uncle’s wedding. He told the family that he was going to take me down to the beach to play for a while. I was older then and knew what had happened wasn’t right but he was about 18 now and I saw him as an adult figure, and thought what had happened when I was younger wouldn’t happen. I was wrong. The same thing happened, no sex just touching. I didn’t tell anyone about that time either. I avoided him at any family gatherings since then.
The next time something happened was when I was about 15/16, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend of a year (we had been consensually sexually active during this time). After the breakup, he said he wanted to talk to me in person about it, so I invited him over before school to talk. He came over and he pushed me down and started feeling me up etc., I told him to stop a few times but he didn’t and eventually I managed to push him off me and yelled at him to get out. Something must have clicked and he did. I avoided him and pretended nothing had happened. I had dated him for year and I had a lot of respect for him, never in a million years did I ever think he would do something like that. I felt partially responsible for some reason and I still do, not as much, but part of me still thinks I should not have let myself get into that position in the first place. This was the first time I had started to feel like I couldn’t trust people and lost a lot of confidence in myself. I told a friend what had happened that day, and my now best friend a few years later.
I was about 17, I lived with an ex and his mum for a time while I was in high school because my Dad had kicked me out. We broke up and I didn’t want to stay at their place that night, we had been dating for a year and I was distraught about the break up, so I went to a mutual friend’s place that I had met through my ex. He was having a get together at his place when I got there so I had a few beers then went to bed, ended up crying myself to sleep. But halfway through the night I felt something and woke up to my friend feeling me up and putting his finger in me, I was still half asleep, felt sick and was still disorientated from the alcohol but I managed to tell him to stop. He replied with he thought I wanted him and just kept doing what he was doing. I tried to push him off, but he was a lot stronger than I was. At some point, I must have passed out because the next thing I remember, I woke up naked in the early morning probably about 4am ish, with him next to me. I have no idea if anything else happened, but I was sore everywhere. I left there pretty damn quick, ended up walking around aimlessly through the streets for about an hour before, I walked another hour to go back to my Dad’s place. My Dad let me move back in with him. I never told anyone about what happened.
A few years later, I was about 19/20. My Dad had this friend that was the uncle of one of my old primary school friends and he used to come over sometimes when he was in town and have a few beers with my Dad. One time he came over and my Dad didn’t have any beers so he went out to buy some, leaving me and his friend in the house. I was about to go out with friends so I went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. He followed me into the bathroom, locked the door and pushed me against the wall. I asked him what he thought he was doing and told him to stop. He didn’t. He was pretty strong, I tried to struggle, but his grip just got stronger. I gave up struggling and just kept repetitively saying no. He just told me, that he knew I wanted it because he saw the way I looked at him and that I would enjoy it. I didn’t know what to do and was so scared that he would hit me or something if I tried struggling again. He had already hurt my wrists and had pushed my head against the wall. He didn’t end up having sex with me, but he did do other things.. Thankfully my Dad got home after about 30 minutes and his friend left me alone like nothing had happened. I think he was afraid of what my Dad would do. I didn’t tell my Dad, I had shower, cried then went out with friends and tried to forget anything happened. I had known my Dad’s friend since primary school, my Dad had complete trust in him and so did I… up until then.
I have very little self-confidence, am very shy around new people, I distance myself in relationships and have very bad trust issues. Have even been accused of being cold and having no emotion when I am dating someone. I know it is because of the things that have happened that I’m like that. Like.. these people I knew and trusted and they betrayed that trust so why let anyone else close, because it could happen again kind of thing. I’m now 24, and have been trying to forget and open back up to people, but it is difficult.
And now the reason I created this post in the first place. Last night I invited a friend over after I had finished work, someone I had talked to online on Facebook on and off for a few years and had met a couple of times, we had been a little bit flirty a few years ago but now we just talked casually as friends. I invited him over to play Xbox and let him know that he would have to leave around 10pm because I had just finished a 10-hour shift at work on about 3 hours sleep. Come 10pm and he said he wasn’t leaving, I kept saying no and that I didn’t want him to stay, but he wasn’t budging. Finally, I gave in because he said he was tired and didn’t want to drive back home when he was so tired. He followed me into the bedroom and got into bed and I was like okay whatever, I’m going to sleep. About 10 minutes later he started to feel me up. I told him to stop, but he just kept doing it. That’s when he tried to pull my pants down and touch me and tried to make me touch him. Apparently at some point he had taken his clothes off without me knowing. I pulled away and pulled my clothes back up and said no, I’m tired I’m going to sleep. This happened a few times, and one time he even responded with all girls say no but they really mean yes. After a while, it appeared that he decided to stop. At this point I was freaking out and didn’t know what to do. I really just wanted him to leave me alone and leave my house. But I just couldn’t get any words out, I just felt like crying. So, I decided to pretend I was asleep, thinking that if he thought I was asleep he wouldn’t do anything. Nope. He pulled my pants back down and started pushing himself into me. I asked him what he thought he was doing and he responded with what you don’t like it or something along those lines. I’m not even sure, by that point I had basically frozen up. I realised he wasn’t going to stop and gave in just to get rid of him. After he had finished he asked if I wanted him to stay and I said no, so he finally left… I should have punched him or something and forced him out of my house, but I didn’t so now I feel like I shouldn’t feel the way I do cos I’m an idiot and it’s my own fault this happened. I feel sick in my stomach, gross and depressed. I have spent a large majority of the day today crying and I now feel like I never want to be alone with a man again or be touched ever again at all. I was never big on touching, even just friends hugging me made me uncomfortable, but now I feel like even if someone accidently brushed against my shoulder I would flinch. I’m not even sure what I expect from posting this, but I just needed to tell someone, anyone. I realise that talking to someone about everything would probably help and I want to tell my best friend, but I don’t know how to, or even how to bring up the topic.
The next time something happened was when I was about 15/16, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend of a year (we had been consensually sexually active during this time). After the breakup, he said he wanted to talk to me in person about it, so I invited him over before school to talk. He came over and he pushed me down and started feeling me up etc., I told him to stop a few times but he didn’t and eventually I managed to push him off me and yelled at him to get out. Something must have clicked and he did. I avoided him and pretended nothing had happened. I had dated him for year and I had a lot of respect for him, never in a million years did I ever think he would do something like that. I felt partially responsible for some reason and I still do, not as much, but part of me still thinks I should not have let myself get into that position in the first place. This was the first time I had started to feel like I couldn’t trust people and lost a lot of confidence in myself. I told a friend what had happened that day, and my now best friend a few years later.
I was about 17, I lived with an ex and his mum for a time while I was in high school because my Dad had kicked me out. We broke up and I didn’t want to stay at their place that night, we had been dating for a year and I was distraught about the break up, so I went to a mutual friend’s place that I had met through my ex. He was having a get together at his place when I got there so I had a few beers then went to bed, ended up crying myself to sleep. But halfway through the night I felt something and woke up to my friend feeling me up and putting his finger in me, I was still half asleep, felt sick and was still disorientated from the alcohol but I managed to tell him to stop. He replied with he thought I wanted him and just kept doing what he was doing. I tried to push him off, but he was a lot stronger than I was. At some point, I must have passed out because the next thing I remember, I woke up naked in the early morning probably about 4am ish, with him next to me. I have no idea if anything else happened, but I was sore everywhere. I left there pretty damn quick, ended up walking around aimlessly through the streets for about an hour before, I walked another hour to go back to my Dad’s place. My Dad let me move back in with him. I never told anyone about what happened.
A few years later, I was about 19/20. My Dad had this friend that was the uncle of one of my old primary school friends and he used to come over sometimes when he was in town and have a few beers with my Dad. One time he came over and my Dad didn’t have any beers so he went out to buy some, leaving me and his friend in the house. I was about to go out with friends so I went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. He followed me into the bathroom, locked the door and pushed me against the wall. I asked him what he thought he was doing and told him to stop. He didn’t. He was pretty strong, I tried to struggle, but his grip just got stronger. I gave up struggling and just kept repetitively saying no. He just told me, that he knew I wanted it because he saw the way I looked at him and that I would enjoy it. I didn’t know what to do and was so scared that he would hit me or something if I tried struggling again. He had already hurt my wrists and had pushed my head against the wall. He didn’t end up having sex with me, but he did do other things.. Thankfully my Dad got home after about 30 minutes and his friend left me alone like nothing had happened. I think he was afraid of what my Dad would do. I didn’t tell my Dad, I had shower, cried then went out with friends and tried to forget anything happened. I had known my Dad’s friend since primary school, my Dad had complete trust in him and so did I… up until then.
I have very little self-confidence, am very shy around new people, I distance myself in relationships and have very bad trust issues. Have even been accused of being cold and having no emotion when I am dating someone. I know it is because of the things that have happened that I’m like that. Like.. these people I knew and trusted and they betrayed that trust so why let anyone else close, because it could happen again kind of thing. I’m now 24, and have been trying to forget and open back up to people, but it is difficult.
And now the reason I created this post in the first place. Last night I invited a friend over after I had finished work, someone I had talked to online on Facebook on and off for a few years and had met a couple of times, we had been a little bit flirty a few years ago but now we just talked casually as friends. I invited him over to play Xbox and let him know that he would have to leave around 10pm because I had just finished a 10-hour shift at work on about 3 hours sleep. Come 10pm and he said he wasn’t leaving, I kept saying no and that I didn’t want him to stay, but he wasn’t budging. Finally, I gave in because he said he was tired and didn’t want to drive back home when he was so tired. He followed me into the bedroom and got into bed and I was like okay whatever, I’m going to sleep. About 10 minutes later he started to feel me up. I told him to stop, but he just kept doing it. That’s when he tried to pull my pants down and touch me and tried to make me touch him. Apparently at some point he had taken his clothes off without me knowing. I pulled away and pulled my clothes back up and said no, I’m tired I’m going to sleep. This happened a few times, and one time he even responded with all girls say no but they really mean yes. After a while, it appeared that he decided to stop. At this point I was freaking out and didn’t know what to do. I really just wanted him to leave me alone and leave my house. But I just couldn’t get any words out, I just felt like crying. So, I decided to pretend I was asleep, thinking that if he thought I was asleep he wouldn’t do anything. Nope. He pulled my pants back down and started pushing himself into me. I asked him what he thought he was doing and he responded with what you don’t like it or something along those lines. I’m not even sure, by that point I had basically frozen up. I realised he wasn’t going to stop and gave in just to get rid of him. After he had finished he asked if I wanted him to stay and I said no, so he finally left… I should have punched him or something and forced him out of my house, but I didn’t so now I feel like I shouldn’t feel the way I do cos I’m an idiot and it’s my own fault this happened. I feel sick in my stomach, gross and depressed. I have spent a large majority of the day today crying and I now feel like I never want to be alone with a man again or be touched ever again at all. I was never big on touching, even just friends hugging me made me uncomfortable, but now I feel like even if someone accidently brushed against my shoulder I would flinch. I’m not even sure what I expect from posting this, but I just needed to tell someone, anyone. I realise that talking to someone about everything would probably help and I want to tell my best friend, but I don’t know how to, or even how to bring up the topic.
