This is a long one..I'm sorry I have just been wanting to talk about this because I'm so heartbroken and worried for my love, the more I figure this out the better decisions I can make for my own health. I have been struggling this last week with the recent shock of boyfriend's PTSD and subsequence break up after the diagnosis. Over the ten months I had the blessing of getting to know and love a very intelligent and affectionate man who would always go out of his way just to make me happy. He has served 6 years as an EOD and deployed to Afghanistan twice, and recently Saudi this past Feb. I know that I will never really know the horrible things he experienced and the stress he is burdened with because of it. He had mentioned far and few between some horrible things he remembered but I never suspected he was quietly suffering because of the way he was with me loving, tender, level headed ect. When I think back now there were symptoms I had missed, the nightmares, body aches, high blood pressure and more regularly drinking by himself.
When I had a feeling something was not right it was about 5 days after a trip to the caribbean and everything seemed perfect to me. We both were in great moods and he made me feel like I was the only person who existed. I have always felt so lucky to be his girlfriend and vice versa. It was healthy until the distancing began. The day after we returned home ( we do not live together) he told me he had got sick and was vomiting for two days and exhausted. We relaxed the whole trip. So I assumed he had the flu and he said he didn't know. The next few days I did not hear from him so I would text and get short responses. When he didn't act like he wanted to see last weekend I knew he was distancing himself and I did not understand why because we had such a great time and him especially ! I emailed him a letter of concern and asking him what the heck was up! He responded and wrote he was going through a lot mentally and diagnosed with PTSD and suffering physical symptoms and was in no shape to be in a relationship and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and I so loving and amazing and deserved better. Then he wrote goodbye Alex.
I was was so confused why he would just say that in an email like he didn't really care about me at all when I know that he does.. or did. I responded with an email that was not angry but it may have made him feel guilty because I talked about the pain he just caused me. I have heard nothing from him. That is not like him to go from acting so in love and concerned for my happiness at all times to just check out like that.
I have read so much on PTSD to try and understand and I have a better grasp on how awful it really is. I have a letter I am apprehensive to send because I have yet to hear from him after I sent him our pictures from a beautiful trip hoping it would make him smile. In this letter to explain to him that I respected the space that he needs and accept the break up but I am still here for him because I care so much. And that I will never understand what he has experienced and the lasting effects he feel from it but I have educated myself on PTSD. I explained I will support him and not judge and I will be here when and if he is ready. Lastly I added that if he does really not want anymore communication in the future will he please let me know. Is that going to cause him too much stress? I just feel like I have no idea what to think but I'm still here waiting. I love this man more than anything and I am willing and prepared to take this on. I want to give him more time to send the letter because I really don't want to push him away. I'm worried because he lives alone and has lots of alcohol. I don't know if he's getting help. I doubt he has told anyone, he texted me he thought he could get better himself but he hates his weakness. I was surprised he said that and sad he didn't feel like he could talk to me about it. Does the AF make you get help after the diagnosis or is it up to him? For me, I have decided to talk to a counselor to deal with all these emotions that are consuming my thoughts. His actions and behaviors just don't make sense to me. Am I going about this the right way? Should I have any inkling of hope that he will communicate? Should I send that letter even though he has not contacted me?
Sorry again for the novel. Thanks to whoever will read it.
Hi,
I'm new to this site. I stumbled upon it while searchin' for information on PTSD, support, or at least
some advice. I came across your post and I felt as though I was readin' my own life. I don't know if you will receive this, but I hope and pray that you do.
My boyfriend and I met in February of 2010. He had been home from his first combat tour from Afghanistan for about eight months when we met. He was goin' through PTSD therapy/meds at the time. We didn't begin datin' right away... Once we did begin datin' in May, we really hit it off. He didn't offer any information about his diagnosis of PTSD - Just that it was difficult for him to process more than one thought at a time... We dated for about a year before he went on his second combat deployment to Afghanistan.
He left for Afghanistan last July, and returned several months ago in March. Durin' the deployment, we did VERY WELL. We kept in very close contact, and he was very excited about comin' home and resumin' our relationship... Toward the end of his deployment, he did express some worry (about us). He said that it wasn't that he was worried about his feelin's, he said that it takes him a while to readjust and was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I assured him that if we just took each day as it comes and to communicate that we would be fine. And that seemed to assure him.
When he came home, we were SO HAPPY. Honestly, it was better than I had imagined it could be. The relationship was actually better/stronger than it was before he left on deployment. We talked about takin' a trip to Greece - to travel more. He told that while he was on deployment that he had time to think about his feelin's for me and how much he loved me. He said that he wanted to get married, and even talked about possibly havin' children... He began workin' on the fifth day back, he also took two college courses that took up three days a week, he drove from San Diego up to Long Beach every weekend to see his daughter, then make time for me and his friends durin' the week. He also decided to start workin' out and eatin' better. I felt that maybe he had bitten off a little too much, too soon, but he said that he could do it. So I was always supportin' him and encouragin' him when he felt overwhelmed or worried.
But after two months, I noticed a change. He never wanted to be without me (which I didn't mind at all), he stayed at my place for over two months because he didn't want to stay at his new place. He had nightmares. He said more and more that he felt "stressed over everything", he was paranoid around certain friends and co-workers. He thought that they were either tryin' to undermine him at work, "trick" him, or that they wanted to peg him as bein' "crazy". These are people that he's known for several years, who really care about him. When I'd ask if he felt all right, he would just say he was "fine, but stressed over everything," that he just needed a little rest or relaxation... Then (he was home for about three months) he had an anxiety attack at the grocery store - That's what really alarmed him. He decided to make an appointment with a doctor for the followin' week... Well, (because of his ex-wife) he rescheduled two more times. Durin' those three weeks, I noticed that he became increasingly agitated and short-fused, he became somewhat withdrawn, too.
The last weekend in June, we were havin' a heated discussion that escalated into an arguement. We gave it a few days and spoke again, but he was very reluctant to talk to me... We were talkin', and to me he seemed....just not himself. He was up & down, he would get riled up and yell, then he would slow down and be calm... He said he felt we should break up. I kept thinkin' "he doesn't love me". But when I'd ask him, he said that he was crazy in love with me, but felt that it was best to break up and that I should find someone who would treat me better. He said that he felt that he was a burden to me, and that I fixed everything, and that he wanted to be able to be "the rock, too" to be able to fix things on his own. He was all over the place. He kept talkin' about "the feelin'". He said several times, "The feelin' came. I thought it would go away. I thought it would get better, but it won't go away." When I'd ask him to tell me what "the feelin'" is, he just couldn't put it into words, he had no idea how to explain it. He was all over the place with his thoughts and his words. He said that he felt confused, then he'd ask, "Can you do this?" He wasn't makin' a lot of sense. He said that it would be best to break up. His last words to me were, "I'm supposed to see someone in a few days. Maybe they can figure out what's wrong with me, because I can't." ... I packed his things in a box (he stayed with me a lot, so there were a lot of his things at my house) to put out for him to pick up. before I sealed the box, I wrote a short letter - Basically expressin' that sometimes we do need to be still to be able to process and focus things around us, and that I would respect what he wanted (break up), that I would be there if he needed anything, and that I loved him.
It's been six weeks now and I haven't heard from him. He was very adament at the end about the break up. This has been incredibly difficult for me - This man is someone who said that he loved me and wanted to marry me, to spend his life with me... My inital reaction/feelin' was to keep remindin' him of what he means to me, to be there for him. But he seemed to feel so strongly about wantin' this breakup.
What did I do wrong? How did I fail at this? Any advice, insight, or just some support to let me now that I'm not the only one this is happenin' to would really be apppreciated.
