I'm Not Ready To Give Up. Is He?

[Sayling]

This is a long one..I'm sorry I have just been wanting to talk about this because I'm so heartbroken and worried for my love, the more I figure this out the better decisions I can make for my own health. I have been struggling this last week with the recent shock of boyfriend's PTSD and subsequence break up after the diagnosis. Over the ten months I had the blessing of getting to know and love a very intelligent and affectionate man who would always go out of his way just to make me happy. He has served 6 years as an EOD and deployed to Afghanistan twice, and recently Saudi this past Feb. I know that I will never really know the horrible things he experienced and the stress he is burdened with because of it. He had mentioned far and few between some horrible things he remembered but I never suspected he was quietly suffering because of the way he was with me loving, tender, level headed ect. When I think back now there were symptoms I had missed, the nightmares, body aches, high blood pressure and more regularly drinking by himself.

When I had a feeling something was not right it was about 5 days after a trip to the caribbean and everything seemed perfect to me. We both were in great moods and he made me feel like I was the only person who existed. I have always felt so lucky to be his girlfriend and vice versa. It was healthy until the distancing began. The day after we returned home ( we do not live together) he told me he had got sick and was vomiting for two days and exhausted. We relaxed the whole trip. So I assumed he had the flu and he said he didn't know. The next few days I did not hear from him so I would text and get short responses. When he didn't act like he wanted to see last weekend I knew he was distancing himself and I did not understand why because we had such a great time and him especially ! I emailed him a letter of concern and asking him what the heck was up! He responded and wrote he was going through a lot mentally and diagnosed with PTSD and suffering physical symptoms and was in no shape to be in a relationship and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and I so loving and amazing and deserved better. Then he wrote goodbye Alex.

I was was so confused why he would just say that in an email like he didn't really care about me at all when I know that he does.. or did. I responded with an email that was not angry but it may have made him feel guilty because I talked about the pain he just caused me. I have heard nothing from him. That is not like him to go from acting so in love and concerned for my happiness at all times to just check out like that.

I have read so much on PTSD to try and understand and I have a better grasp on how awful it really is. I have a letter I am apprehensive to send because I have yet to hear from him after I sent him our pictures from a beautiful trip hoping it would make him smile. In this letter to explain to him that I respected the space that he needs and accept the break up but I am still here for him because I care so much. And that I will never understand what he has experienced and the lasting effects he feel from it but I have educated myself on PTSD. I explained I will support him and not judge and I will be here when and if he is ready. Lastly I added that if he does really not want anymore communication in the future will he please let me know. Is that going to cause him too much stress? I just feel like I have no idea what to think but I'm still here waiting. I love this man more than anything and I am willing and prepared to take this on. I want to give him more time to send the letter because I really don't want to push him away. I'm worried because he lives alone and has lots of alcohol. I don't know if he's getting help. I doubt he has told anyone, he texted me he thought he could get better himself but he hates his weakness. I was surprised he said that and sad he didn't feel like he could talk to me about it. Does the AF make you get help after the diagnosis or is it up to him? For me, I have decided to talk to a counselor to deal with all these emotions that are consuming my thoughts. His actions and behaviors just don't make sense to me. Am I going about this the right way? Should I have any inkling of hope that he will communicate? Should I send that letter even though he has not contacted me?
Sorry again for the novel. Thanks to whoever will read it.

 

[anthony]

Sorry that you had to suffer through this Alex... I know I have done this myself to partners when I was completely wrapped in my own PTSD symptoms, unbeknownst really what was happening to me. Honestly... it didn't matter what anyone said to me, it wasn't really changing decisions I made during that time. Its like PTSD just switches off all emotions within.

When I was in that time... basically, if a girl turned up with alcohol and naked, wanted to party and expected nothing else, then I was good with that. I know a lot of people personally with PTSD, and they all where the same during the bad times. Its rare that a person with full blown PTSD isn't emotionless for the most part, especially male. I still knew between right and wrong, but that didn't change things with relationships. I was a prick... and most males with full blown PTSD are the same, especially vets... not because we want to be, but because we often don't understand.

On the flipside to that... is hanging on then counter productive and destructive to yourself? More than likely... because its unlikely he is stable enough to even think about coming back, and even once he gets to a different place, will he come to you? Also not likely... due to the feeling he has caused such damage already and whether you forgive him or not is more than likely irrelevant, but more he can't forgive himself for the hurt he caused you. So often it is easier to forgive oneself by simply moving on...

If he has left... seriously, it is unlikely he is coming back with full blown PTSD. Without being rude, the only interaction he would be looking for is female companionship... that's about all his brain will tolerate.. short term relationships and hookups, more than likely mixed with lots of alcohol or drugs / both, depending on severity.

 

[Sayling]

Thanks for the reply.
That was pretty depressing to read but it does make sense. I guess I need to realize that he is gone. It's really hard to just let this relationship we had just disappear without having attempted to make changes first that could make it work. He has to want that though. I don't know if this is his first time really experiencing full blown symptoms but I am assuming it is because his physical health issues have increased over time due to he was probably trying to keep his symptoms from showing externally. I feel like he was trying really hard to take care of his issues on his own and to be a good partner to me, he was great too. This feeling is comparable to mourning the loss of someone you love and the future I had imagined wiped away and now I have a new clean slate and I guess that's really what it is. I can really do nothing else for this relationship if he is completely checked out of it. I can just be grateful for having shared the time that I did with a true love. I was a really lucky woman.

 

[Lady Michigan]

After reading this, although this is an older post... I started Crying because I too am in the same situation as Alex, I was planning on posting something similar to hers trying to get advice but I pretty much got it which really breaks my heart. Everything you said Alex is the same here, its hard to be positive about everything but it looks like your keeping your head up, I will try and do the same! Anthony thanks for the advice and honesty

 

[CestMoi]

Alex and Lady Michigan... the same thing just happened to me. Everything was perfect for months and then just like that, it all disappeared. I realize I am a bit late on replying to this post too but Anthony, thank you for the hard to swallow but honest advice... like Alex said, there really isn't anything we can do but be grateful for having shared the time we did and for experiencing the true love we felt. Lady Michigan, if you want to talk, please feel free to message me.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Wow..this is like reading my own life and frustrations....but Im still left with the question "When do you give up?" I have been married for 20 years and 19 of which were the happiest - and then it hit (PTSD) my world my marriage everything destroyed - we have 2 daughters (1) who has our grandson and (1) still at home he has alienated all. He moved out almost a year ago and never looked back - just came home announced he didnt love me, and didnt want any more responsibilities. I dont know when he lives or anything - I have found out about 2 affairs (1) when he was stilll living with us and another after.

He filed for divorce a year ago - and then stopped it. He telss me if he wanted to divorce me he would. I never know when then next time I will see or hear from him- because he dissapears for days or weeks - then calls or stops by.

I love this man, and I married him for better or for worse. I tell him I have and will always be here for him - I have made it a point to gain as much knowledge as I can about PTSD....but let me tell you, as strong as i can be somedays - I can be equally as angry and sad the next.

Its a catch 22.... right now I dont feel as we are progressing in any way- but I will be patient.

Alex- your insight was helpful - and proably said what my head already knows, but my heart just hasn't caught up yet.

 

[Sayling]

Alex and Lady Michigan... the same thing just happened to me. Everything was perfect for months and then just like that, it all disappeared. I realize I am a bit late on replying to this post too but Anthony, thank you for the hard to swallow but honest advice... like Alex said, there really isn't anything we can do but be grateful for having shared the time we did and for experiencing the true love we felt. Lady Michigan, if you want to talk, please feel free to message me.

Wow I have not been on here in awhile but recently I have come back in touch with my ex (who I have completely left alone except for a note of my support and respect I wrote him a few days after he broke it off). He told me he is getting treatment! He also apologized but I was just so happy to hear that he is getting the help he needs. He finally contacted me after almost 5 months. I can't say I wasn't overcome with joy to hear from him and now I'm even more ecstatic that he is getting treatment and seems to be feeling good. We are taking it slow by just letting each other know we miss one another and still care. I had been so hurt by the break up I took it personally but I should have considered how sick he really was. Even though I had moved on and started dating again because I made a promise to myself I was not going to let my life end because of the pain I was feeling. I almost felt like I was suffering from post traumatic break up because of all wonderful memories I had were now the most painful because they were over. Well I wanted to use that pain and turn it into something positive and I started to get involved with organizations for veterans because helping other vets made me feel good and took some of the worry off about my ex's condition.

On another note, since October I have been researching PTSD and have even gotten a volunteer job in the mental health facility at the VA in northern California. I have always wanted a career in mental health but after my researching and endless reading on forums like this one I realized I want to help others dealing with combat PTSD. So hopefully one day I will be working for the VA and trying to make it even more available and provide the BEST for our veterans.

I also wanted to thank this forum and how it has really been helpful and comforting at the same time. And I commend everyone for sharing their feelings and trying to be the best carers they can! I also commend the sufferers for letting us in. Thank you so much for all you do and all you have done!!

 

[NikkiNikki]

That is really awesome Alex! Glad to hear he getting the help he needs!!

I've also thought about volunteering at the VA with combat vets..I dont know what I would do or how I could help, but anyways good to hear everything is going better.

 

[alphaLima]

I am brand new to this forum, but I wanted to say to everyone how helpful reading through the discussions has been for me. I am in a new relationship with a guy with combat PTSD and traumatic brain injury. It it is absolutely overwhelming, confusing, saddening, heartbreaking, and a million other things at once. However, he is unequivocally worth whatever added complications that may occur as a result. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I want to figure out how to make it work in hopefully a healthy manner. He returned from Afghanistan in August of last year, sought some kind of treatment by November/December (meds/counseling), and has since given up on both of those options saying it "doesn't matter."

As if PTSD isn't enough, there are other complications involved, but so far I am remaining optimistic. We are both in kind of transitional phases of life; he is getting out of the military by fall, and most likely moving to another city. I am unsure where I will be in the next 6-12 in my life. So neither of us really know what the heck we are doing, but I am so blissfully happy with him. 95% of the time he treats me like absolute gold, practically worships me; things are perfect. It is as if nothing is more important to him than seeing me smile. Then, a small percentage of the time, he has an episode and says things like "you shouldn't be with me. I will only complicate you. Ruin your life. I am unstable, a terrible person. I don't deserve you. You deserve someone without problems. You shouldn't want anything to do with me. I am not capable of ever being happy. I could never truly want anyone, or anything." These things scare me, and I know that in these moments they are valid...but I simply cannot believe that they are completely true. I have seen him feel joy, I have seen him want things, and care. I do not know how to convince him that A) he is worth it to me, and worth it in general and B) that people can improve and lead happy, functional lives.

We didn't plan on meeting and experiencing this wonderful thing, and yet here we are. For me, it seems like each day with him, I become happier and happier, and at the same time, more and more miserable, out of fear of the unknown, fear that things are so fragile, and of course, fear of a broken heart. I have only known him for 3 months now, but it has been the most amazing three months of my life. On one hand, I feel completely foolish for investing so much in something with such potentially disastrous consequences. On the other hand, I would feel totally foolish to NOT invest and give this my best shot, because as I have said before, he is truly an amazing person, and I have never even been close to feeling this way about a person, or experiencing a connection like ours.

Reading through these discussions has been so reassuring in helping me see that I'm not alone, he is not alone, and there is no "normal" standard of behavior for PTSD sufferers. I have hundreds of questions but I won't ask them all at once. I am so touched by everyone's sincerity and helpfulness here. Thank you.

 

[wife of]

Welcome Muumi,I hope you find some answers here.....Sue.

 

[willis williams]

Muumi, welcome hope you find some answers. Just remember the symtoms may be called by the same name but as vets we are all indevidual. Happy hunting for some answers and I hope we ca help. TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

Wlcome muumi.