I'm Not Sure Confronting This Guy Is Wise

[rightkindofme]

But I'm going to do it anyway. Because I'm like that.

So when I was 19, two years after prosecuting my father for rape which resulted in my brother lighting himself on fire and my father sitting in the garage with the motor running, and two months after I was raped and the police told me they wouldn't "ruin that nice boy's life for me", I joined the bdsm community. In my first six weeks I asked someone to play. We met through IRC and we did most of our negotiations online.

That sounds pretty dodgy. Even though I was meeting people online they were all people with serious real-life presence in the scene. All of the people in this particular IRC channel were very active in the real-time bdsm community. Many for a decade or more. So I was new but they all knew one another.

The negotiations were: no scat, no water sports, and no cattle prods. I don't do safewords. If I say "no" or "stop" I mean it.

Of course that means he saran wrapped me to a table and put a tazer on my genitals. "It's not a cattle prod." I was hysterically screaming "no no no no" and "please stop" as fast as I could. He turned the tazer on and told me he wouldn't stop till I safeworded. I did instantly. I believe my phrasing was, "Then safeword you son of a bitch."

The San Jose PD were watching because they did security for that party. The DMs (Dungeon Monitors--the people who ostensibly make you "safe" in the public community) were quite concerned that I not make a scene because the police were there. Shut up already.

A few times over the years I have made bitter references to this with the person in question but I've never really sat down to talk to him about it.

I'm going to see him tomorrow. He doesn't know why we are meeting. I told him that a mutual friend put me up to it. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something too complicated to put in writing (not true but I'm not going to ask him to read 50 pages of text) and he agreed to meet with me.

The funny thing is, his son and and my oldest daughter were born three hours apart on the same day. The day before their due dates.

The kids will play at the park and he and I will sit on a bench.

Why am I doing this?

I'm bringing an amount of grief to this that isn't fair considering what happened. I will almost certainly tell him so.

I hope to Christ he apologizes. More than anything in the whole f*cking universe I want one man who has hurt me to actually apologize. I have an agenda. That's why I'm going. I want to tell him a little bit about myself (I'm pretty sure he knows basically nothing) and I am going to ask him to apologize. Frankly I would love it if he would be willing to publicly talk about this mistake and what he has learned from it.

If someone who has violated my boundaries was willing to do that--just f*cking one--I think I could be a lot less bitter. I think I could believe that not everyone is shit. I know I'm not supposed to admit that I feel that way about basically everyone. It's "not nice".

We'll see how it goes. It's been 12 years. He's a lot older now. Now he's in his 50's. He has a kid. He has settled down. Maybe he will surprise me. I hope so.

 

[KP the nut]

IRC

Please explain IRC and to ensure clarity in future refrain from abbreviations.

 

[rightkindofme]

Internet Relay Chat. It is the name of an old school chat program. Similar to saying IM for instant messenger.

I seem to mostly post wrong here. I didn't edit "in time" so I guess my post is wrong somehow. Uhm. I'm sorry. I get the impression I am going to get booted soon for screwing up how I post. Paranoia is awesome.

 

[quaintpapercut]

That sounds like a horrible experience and very traumatic.

I want to tell him a little bit about myself (I'm pretty sure he knows basically nothing) and I am going to ask him to apologize.

The protective side of me wants to urge you to be careful. Please don't tell this man anything about you that would enable him to harm you (not only in a physical sense). He didn't respect your boundaries the last time despite you laying the ground rules quite firmly.

I wish you the best :)

 

[safenow]

rightkindofme, it's okay. KP is just helping those of us who don't know what certain things mean. They are kind enough to do that for me all the time. I tend to use things that I assume others know because I talk about them so much. LOL.

I wish you good luck on having him apologize. People tend to not do that after-the-fact, very often. Don't be shocked if he doesn't. Usually those who apologize are those who have a conscious to begin with. I had a girl who used to bully me apologize, and I have to admit, I don't even remember her doing what she says she did. But it was obvious she remembered. She grew up and became a fine person.

Let us know if he did it for you.

 

[Spiderallis]

I hope your meeting provides understanding for both you and he. I'm involved in BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) too, I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was about a year or so into the scene. It clarified a few misunderstandings with friends and play partners I met early on when I told them about entering therapy and the new diagnosis.

From the negotiations it sounds like you may have given this gent more trust than he'd earned. It's one thing if you're familiar with someone's style and what kinds of play they enjoy. I'd be a bit concerned about anyone bringing out a tazer when playing with a new partner to be quite honest. That's the sort of thing that is best left to those who've played together enough to know their partner can not only handle it, but will enjoy it. Please don't take that the wrong way, there's that kid-in-a-candy-shop sensation when getting into things. If he didn't know better, a friend could have pulled him aside. It sounds like several other folks from the IRC (internet relay chat?) chat were in attendance and aware that you were new to the scene. Generally new folks are advised to start slow and gradually build up to whatever level of play they'd like to try. Just guessing that as you found the scene through IRC group that it was in the days before a few of the social networking sites for the kink crowd... I'm not sure how much information was available to introduce new members to safe ways to play and get involved back then.

I can understand the DM's (dungeon monitor- usually trained in first aid and monitoring the play area to ensure safety) response, police involvement is risky for everyone in the place- not just the people involved in a scene gone wrong- but still, someone should have offered to sit and speak with you about your feelings and reactions to things. Ideally it would have been the gent in question, but not knowing his level of education or expertise in these things at the very least SOMEONE present should have comforted you and listened while you processed through the emotions stirred up. Aftercare as it's called varies greatly from person to person- it's generally a good idea to bring that up during negotiations too.

 

[rightkindofme]

Generally new folks are advised to start slow and gradually build up to whatever level of play they'd like to try. Just guessing that as you found the scene through IRC group that it was in the days before a few of the social networking sites for the kink crowd... I'm not sure how much information was available to introduce new members to safe ways to play and get involved back then.

Aftercare as it's called varies greatly from person to person- it's generally a good idea to bring that up during negotiations too.

At this point I have been active in the bondage/discipline dominance/submission sadism/masochism (bdsm) community on a national and international level for over ten years. I was in a Master/slave relationship for two years under contract in the context of a much longer relationship. I have taught classes (on bondage and suspension and Master/slave dynamics) and run conventions. I have been involved heavily with Society of Janus (SOJ) the oldest bdsm educational organization in the country.

I'm feeling kind of oversensitive about Monday morning quarterbacking my rookie mistakes. :-\ In hindsight I can perfectly narrate what I did wrong. I was nineteen and six weeks in at that point. I was playing at a large convention (the first educational convention attached to the Folsom Street Fair) and I was told that would ensure that someone followed the rules. Whoops.

I didn't actually find the community through Internet Relay Chat (IRC). I found them through munches. I went to the munch in the first place there ever was a munch because sTella started them through alt.sex.bondage. (ASB) The person in question had been in the community for more than ten years and he was on the board of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF). I had good reason to think he was trustworthy and that I was in a safe place.

Right now I'm completely twitching and over sensitive because I'm going to see him in about 3.5 hours. I'm going to see him because a mutual friend told me I should. She said he has grown and changed a lot. He's married now. His son was born on the same day as my oldest daughter. She said that I am going to be surprised by his reaction.

I'm sorry if I sound kind of hostile. I'm feeling defensive and scared and the internet is the only thing keeping me company and I'm really trying hard to calm down and I'm hoping that if I leave some of my hostile defensiveness here I will be able to have a more rational conversation later.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

 

[Spiderallis]

Nothing to apologize for at all- you've got every reason to be a bit on edge about this. From the time, I'm guessing you're either having that conversation right now or dealing with how it went. I hope your friend was correct in saying that gent has grown and the chance to talk helps you both.

If my reply sounded a bit harsh, I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it at all. It's a bit of a sore point for me to see how many new people enter the scene to be greeted by bad experiences. Thanks for being involved in the educational organizations that you've worked with- teaching and sharing like that is a very beautiful thing. I've only been around a few years now, but I wrote my response thinking of the folks around here who aren't familiar with BDSM. I'm sorry if it came across the wrong way, I wasn't aware of the details. I'm used to seeing new folks running for the hills never to be seen again after a bad first scene... does it make more sense if I admit to being part of the Detroit scene? Not sure if the rumors are as widespread as they seem, but if you heard anything it's probably true.

 

[rightkindofme]

It went spectacularly well! I asked him, "Do you remember the first night we played" and his response was, "That was the night I screwed up with the taser, right?" We went over all of the negotiation process and were very specific about how our communication broke down happened. Repeatedly he took full responsibility and apologized. He is writing up something for fetlife (the bdsm forum site lots of kinky people belong to) about mistakes he has made as a top and how they happened and what he has changed in his approach to play because he has learned from his mistakes.

I feel very validated. He listened to me talk about my trauma history and was really supportive. He was willing to try to make amends in any way he could. He said, "I had no idea I hurt you this badly and if I had known I would have tried a lot harder to find a resolution more than ten years ago."

I almost cried. I feel so grateful.

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't know much about Detroit. I hear a lot about the drama surrounding Chicago but Detroit drama doesn't make it to me. :)

You didn't sound harsh. :) You just sounded like you were talking to someone who doesn't have my history. :)