I'm overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Can't seem to stop it if I go "there".

[Artemus]

This is an odd post. I'm actually having a wonderful Christmas. I've passed the CPA exam at an advanced age. Money in the bank. First time in a decade I might have a job with benefits. Who's to complain? It's that last one that is troubling me. I have to have my secret clearance re-instated after 3 decades without it. I'm not particularly negative on this. I had a felony for a while. It was dismissed by the Court after the County Attorney who indicted me (and many, many others) was disbarred for "Defiling the Public Trust". That's the only legal incident I've ever had. I smoked pot in the Navy during the Vietnam War era, but that was in the 70s. I haven't seen the stuff in decades. I'm filling out the Clearance form and I can only take it in small bites. I am filled with fear after a few minutes of working on it. Serious fear and anxiety to the point I have to go lie down for a while. I think it's the re-visiting that time in my life when all went to shit in a very traumatic way. Going from a six-figure income and being on top of the world to Medicaid and having police come to my door with turkey's at Christmas. From having a custom home built for my family with a maid to losing it in bankruptcy (due to no one willing to hire a 'felon') as well as everything we owned except our children. And, seriously fearing if we'd be able to keep our children or that we'd be homeless at times over the next half a dozen years because I couldn't get a job a Walmart (during the felony years) saying "Welcome to Walmart", nothing. All of this because of a criminal politician who was eventually disbarred and a felony I plead guilty to (under coercion to protect my wife and infant daughters) was dismissed. Still, when I think of what causes PTSD...war, floods, earthquakes, death of the entire family...I feel like a weak dweeb. Truly. Today, life is so much better. I pass background checks, drug tests, passed the CPA exam after decades out of college. I have friends. I have nothing in my life to point against my filling out this Clearance form. So, why does it put such fear and anxiety in me to do it? I think it is that it forces me to re-visit those years, the worst years of my life. When all went from the top of the mountain to being the scourge of society in a trip home from work. Maybe the risk associated with being offered the first direct-hire job with benefits in a decade. But honestly, I just don't know. All I know is the anxiety is there and it is severe. I'll fill out this form, but it will take me days. I hate feeling so weak, I honestly do. It never used to be this way before the auto accident. Never! Blessings to all. Sorry for the whine.

 

[Wendell_R]

I'm not so sure this is an "odd post". So many of us excel in some things, and have other areas of our life that strike terror in us. I can speak in front of 200 people, but texting to a friend can be hard when I can't see their face to see if what I'm saying is okay. Good luck with the form. I think you're brave for dealing with the form when you know it means going back over hard things.

 

[Cypress]

I think its normal to be stressed out when you are filling out clearance paperwork, that form is daunting I have a clearance for my job and every time I am re-investigated I panic that they will find something that I somehow forgot. You will have to discuss the dismissal with the investigator, as long as you give a story with a clear narrative and keep the emotions in check you'll fine.