Im Panicking Because I Think Im Unable To Stop Myself

[Jellybeans]

Hi.
This is my first post. Im 27.

I became very depressed because of health problems. Then I got better, but this week I got worse again and the depression came back. Now I feel suicidal. Im trying to stop myself but its getting harder. first i felt suicidal every few hours, then every hour, and now it doesn't go away. Im starting to panic because I feel I might not be able to stop myself.

Im away from my family, and at the moment i dont care about anyone. My husband keeps telling me, if I love him, then I will not do anything stupid. I do love him, but everyone i love seems irrelevant at this stage. life seems irrelevant. I keep cleaning the house and doing things that need doing, to try and stop feeling like this.

I feel there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I feel numb.

I need tips on how to stop feeling like this? I dont want to seek medical help because i have done it in the past and Dr's can be so patronizing and ignorant.

Thanks for reading.

 

[therapybankrupt]

:hug:
Hi Jellybeans! Sorry you are in such pain. You have come to the right place. Lots of compassionate people. Lots to read and inform yourself with. The desperate feelings sometimes come because it helps somehow to know there is a way out of the pain.

Distracting the thoughts and controlling your breath is a start. I sit and breath deep breaths slowly trough my nose. Pay attention to the breaths nothing else. I push away thoughts like as if they were clouds going by. If I am too anxious I rip up the phone book for 10 minutes and then do breathing. I am not a doctor. So this is just my opinon of what sometimes works for me.

Your husband and family love you and would harmed if you were to harm yourself. You love them and do not want to hurt them. You can call a hotline. They usually can get you grounded if you are in severe distress. I would like you to stay with us at the forum. I am looking forward to seeing you here again. I will be up for a while!

 

[Shellbell]

Jellybeans, firstly I just want to say I know how you feel, I have been there myself and I know how much it hurts.

I don't know you but I hope it's okay to send you a hug :hug:

You are doing well stopping yourself and reaching out on here. I'm so glad you have.

When having suicidal thoughts it is good to have a plan of who you can contact. It is so much harder to do this on your own. If you can it is good to reach out to someone who can help you. Calling a hotline is a good idea and also a mental health professional if you know one - like a therapist, or counsellor? I know you said medical people have been unhelpful, but trained mental health professionals can help.

It's also good to write down all the reasons to keep living and the people who love you and want you to keep living.

How are you doing? I hope you are okay? I would like you to stay safe and stay here on the forum as well.

 

[WesternSky]

Please stay safe. The best thing I ever heard about how to deal with suicidal thoughts is to remember that suicide happens when your pain outweighs your ability to cope with it. You can stop it by either reducing your pain or increasing your coping resources.

It's wonderful that you are reaching out to this forum. It can be so terrifying feeling like you are going to do something to hurt yourself and won't be able to stop. I have no magic phrase or remedy to that will make the feelings go away.

I dislike doctors as well, which is why I stay away from general practitioners, hospitals, etc. But in order to get relief from these terrible thoughts, a therapist is probably your best bet. They can show you how to increase your coping skills. Not everyone is patronizing. Also, if you truly feel you can't stop yourself, know that you have two choices. You can either see someone and risk some unpleasantness, or risk your life. That seems harsh, but if this is your life at stake, you may find the alternatives more appealing.

 

[Jellybeans]

Thanks everyone!:)

I went to sleep last night hoping I wouldn't wake up, or, hoping I would wake up feeling better. The sun was shining this morning and I felt soo much better!:D

Im still sighing and sobbing a bit. So I turned on the music channels, headbangers and gangnam style was more like it LOL! im more relaxed now and loaded with willpower to take care of my health.

Im glad I came to this forum, I will stay around here too. I dont have any friends as a choice, because I'm insecure and frightened of getting hurt. I might consider a therapist if it happens too much again, although I think coming to this forum helped me much more, because you people have real problems, and understand what im going through better than any therapist would.

Thanks once again, and if someone needs, im here too :happy:

 

[therapybankrupt]

:woot: Hi Jellybeans! So glad you are back! I like that you feel good here! I do not know if you are ready for this but there are specialists out there that can help. You just need to read up on here and go in your area a to interview for what you need. Sounds easy but I have to be honest you also have to find a fit for you and that may take a few try's. I hope you find what you need and works for you!

 

[Shellbell]

Hi Jellybeans,

I'm so glad you are okay and you came back :)

It's good to remember that when we have these feelings of despair, we know they will pass.

If you are thinking of a therapist, it's worth trying to find one who specializes or has experience in trauma and PTSD.

Really glad you reached out on here.

Shellbell :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

Hi Jellybeans. I was like that near the beginning of the year. It built up over time until I was crying constantly. I did go to see my doctor, with my husband, and cried all the way into the office, sitting in the waiting room, in the room, and on my way out the door. I told my doctor, while crying, I was going to tell people I just saw him as I left. (as a joke, as if he was to blame). I'm blessed with a doctor that isn't condescending. But I have definitely had those that were.

When things didn't get better with a med change, and my husband and children were beyond worried. When I couldn't promise that I wouldn't harm myself if no one was home, my doctor recommended that either I went to an emergency room or called 911. My husband ended up taking me to a hospital I knew of. I didn't go to the one nearby, simply because my sister in law use to work there and I didn't want her friends saying anything to her. I also didn't want to run into anyone I knew.

I was only in a few days. Then I had intense outpatient therapy. The kind where you are there all day and then go home. After a month of this, I welcomed individual therapy. I have been doing that for a number of months and can say I am much better compared to then. This group is wonderful. Sometimes I think it helps me more then my T.

Important thing is to do whatever you need to to take care of yourself. Do not worry about what others may or may not think. I really thought I would catch flack from my outside family, but, so far so good. Especially after reading stories on here of people who knew someone who had committed suicide, I really do see what an impact it would be to my family and friends.

 

[new gamma rays]

I've been where you are jellybeans, and stayed there for months on end, too afraid
too resistant to getting help. So my only advice is get help as soon as possible. and by help.

I mean deep help - because suicidal thoughts can creep up in 100's of different ways telling you life isn't worth living and my biggest regret is that i didn't engage things earlier. But I have a complicated history -

I have chronic PTSD over the past two years and am afraid of the mental health system, because my parents have turned me over to it by force numerous times and it never ended well.

If you're starting from scratch then I recommend you get into it - finding a therapist, knowing what resources are available in your state and finding sort of an angels advocate (the opposite of devils advocate I guess) who can really help you counter each argument or feeling that makes you suicidal.

That might not be there in one person because few people can understand how you feel. anyway I'm not trying to overwhelm you, just suggesting you get more help than you think you really need or at least start becoming aware of your local and personal resources out and hopefully finding an ally like your husband to help you start reaching out.

 

[Tinyflame]

Boy new gamma rays, is that ever true, I think, what you have said about it.

'Angels advocate', that's a sweet way to put it.

Glad you're feeling better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I really want to urge you to seek out professional help. Yes, a lot of them are unhelpful (putting it nicely), but if you are suicidal and considering acting on it, that's really more than we here on the forum can help you with. Don't get me wrong, there is a ton of information here on coping skills you can use to get you through the moment, however if things are that dire, then I really do think you should look into finding a trauma specialist. I hope you stick around the forum because there is a lot of support here and you can learn a lot from the info Anthony and others have posted.