Relationship I'm Pregnant, Husband Has Ptsd

[married2ptsd]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this board.

My husband has PTSD. He doesn't take any meds as he doesn't like the way they make him feel. He smokes heavily, doesn't exercise, doesn't sleep enough and works 7 days a week. We both work from home, but I would say I spend more of my time caring for him than working. I do 100% of the shopping, cooking and housework. I also tip toe around his moods and try to be as supportive as possible. We don't really spend any time together. He works, eats his dinner in front of the TV, works some more, watches TV late at nigh to "switch off" then sleeps.

We married in October last year. He has no interest in sex, including our wedding night, I begged him to have sex so I could conceive. I couldn't believe I got pregnant from the one encounter! I'm nearly 5 months pregnant and I'm a bit tired of being a carer for him. I would like to also be cared for, especially at the moment. Yesterday I asked him, as a special request, to watch a 1 hour documentary about birth. He made a big scene about not wanting to watch it. I told him I was disappointed as we don't have any time together and I do what I can to support him. He went to do some work, I tried to talk about it, he started screaming at me, I started crying, he got angrier and angrier and started screaming abuse, I eventually went to my room, very distressed. That's how his episodes usually play out, so it wasn't something new.

Today, he told me how angry and unhappy he was that I didn't go away when he first told me to. That I should know better. I really struggled with that. I thought today, after he'd slept and calmed down, he might apologise. I didn't think it was fair that he blamed me. I'm worried for our baby, it's the first child for both of us. I'm worried I won't be able to be so nurturing for him when I have the baby and that I'll need some support and this will get worse. Friends and family have offered to help, but he's a very private person and he doesn't like anyone staying with us or visiting for long.

Sorry, this has become very long, I would love to hear any thoughts you may have.

Thank you kindly,

 

[Bilby]

Welcome :)

That sounds incredibly hard for you. Have you thought about seeking out some professional support for yourself? This may become even more important for you as your pregnancy progresses, and particularly after your little one arrives. It will be hard, as you'll be tired and sleep deprived, and navigating a whole new world that will feel somewhat like a blur, particularly for the first six weeks or so. There's lots of incredibly amazing things that go on during that time too, but it can be overwhelming, particularly when it's your first baby, and everything is completely new to you.

I know your said your husband doesn't take medication, but is he in therapy?

 

[married2ptsd]

Thanks Bilby, yes, maybe I should get some professional support, is there anyone or anything you recommend? I'm in Melbourne.

He has only ever trusted one psychiatrist who he has known for 20 years. His psychiatrist is a friend who will meet him in a pub to talk and he doesn't charge my husband. We made a deal before we moved in together that he would see his psychiatrist every month. I don't think he's seen him for 6 months. When I suggest he sees his psychiatrist, my husband says that he knows what his psychiatrist will say; that he should stop smoking, exercise, sleep properly, have relaxing weekends, have less stressful work, go diving, play golf and meditate. My husband won't do any of these things until he feels he's made enough money through his business and he has many stressful projects going all the time.

I promised I wouldn't speak to any of his friends or family about him, that means I don't really have relationships with his friends or family as he is the main thing I want to talk about as looking after him takes so much time. My friends and family are keen to help when the baby arrives, but he doesn't like having people over.

He doesn't have too many episodes (where he feel he completely loses control) while I tip toe around him. They happen when he feels criticised or pushed (and that could be something as simple as "do you think you can afford to lend your friend so much money?") I'm worried that with a baby, I'll need to ask him to do things and I will probably need help from other people and that will mean he will have more episodes.

Thanks again,

 

[Bilby]

I wondered if you may be Australian (I am too) :)

I'd suggest, as a starting point, to see your GP and discuss things, and let them know that you think you'd really like to talk to someone about the issues that you are facing. They can actually do a health plan (forgive me, I can't remember the full name of it) whereby you can go and have a number of visits (10 or 12 I think) with a psychologist, under Medicare. I think that's probably a really useful thing for you to do, and your GP should be able to point you in the direction of someone that they think would be helpful. You can certainly go and see one without a referral however, and claim under private health insurance, if you have it.

It sounds to me as though your husband is having a difficult time at the moment and probably a bit of denial. His psychiatrist, being a friend, may be a bit of a conflict, also, and I think the best thing for him, would be to see someone who specialises in PTSD - google will be your friend with this, although your husband obviously has to want this for himself and I sense that getting him to understand this may be difficult for you. That said, although I don't want to worry you more than you undoubtedly already are, I was pregnant before my husband sought help. Whilst he was thrilled with the arrival of our little one, he did find it hard to adjust and when our baby was a few months old, he sought help and went through an in-patient program which was incredibly useful. Of course it was hard on me, but the benefits are ones that I can't ignore, that's for sure.

You mentioned that you don't really have relationships with his friends or family - what about your own friends or family? Are you able to talk to them about things a little bit? It's good that they want to help you when the baby arrives, and you'll undoubtedly need their support. One good thing about newborns is that they are incredibly portable - so you will be able to get out and about a fair bit with them, although that also depends on how you are feeling within yourself, and your own energy levels.

The tip-toeing around isn't a good thing - and I can tell you that this is something you'll be able to do less of when your baby arrives, as he/she will need you a hell of a lot more. Try to plan now, about some of the things that you can do to make life easier on yourself, e.g. using online grocery shopping (this became my best friend!), preparing some meals in advance and freezing them, and perhaps limiting yourself to just one job around the house per day, so that the housework is spread out over the course of a week. I'm a bit of a clean freak so I understand how hard all this can be to absorb, but it is do-able.

Do you think he would read a book about PTSD? There's a really good one, called "The PTSD Relationship" (pretty cheap to download if you have a kindle by any chance) and it's an excellent read, for both sufferers and supporters.

On the whole, how do you feel you two communicate? There's some big things that he'll need to understand - that things are going to change, that getting some help (for you both) is going to assist you both through the times ahead and well beyond etc.

 

[married2ptsd]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments Bilby.

I hadn't thought of getting a mental health plan as a supporter. That's a good idea, I'll look into that. Is it true that a supporter can start to take on some of the symptoms of a sufferer? And what is meant by setting "boundaries" as a supporter?

His psychiatrist has specialised in PTSD for 30 years, he's one of the best and often works in Afghanistan and other areas military are posted to support them.

He saw about 20 psychologists before that and he fought with all of them as he felt he knew more than they did about the illness. So it's nearly impossible for him to feel comfortable with a therapist. He nearly stopped seeing his psychiatrist because he didn't like going to his clinic. His psychiatrist then suggested they meet in a pub.

I'd be really delighted if my husband had an in-patient program. I think you're right, the adjustment will be difficult. He does have good relationships with the children and teenagers in his life. I do worry about a baby crying though. He has no empathy when I cry. He doesn't like the sound and it sets him off where he feels he can't control himself.

It's a bit hard to talk to my friends and family about it, I know that if I told them everything, they'd tell me to leave. My Mum already feels the relationship isn't good for me and there's no reciprocity and that's without telling her anything. That's why I think I'd find it more useful to talk to his friends and family. At least they'd be on his side and the discussion could be more balanced.

Good ideas about shopping and housework, I also like a clean home and I like to be a good host. I realise there may not be the time to cook fancy meals for guests when the baby comes.

He wouldn't read a book about PTSD, but I would. I'll look for the PTSD Relationship.

When he's not working we do communicate well. He's told me more about how his past and mental health than anyone. In fact, none of his friends and family know much at all. He sets high standards for himself and he wants to provide for his family in the best way possible. He's anxious about being a good father as he's never liked his own father and he wants to have the time, money and energy for the baby when it comes. He knows that if he's as stressed as he is now, that won't be good for anyone.

Thanks again.

 

[Bilby]

I haven't read a great deal about it to be honest, but I believe it's true, that some supporters develop what is known as secondary PTSD.

There won't be much time in the early days for fancy meals, but certainly as the months progress and you settle into more of a routine (sleep becoming hopefully a bit more predictable etc), you may feel like you can manage those things. In the early days though, do what you can to minimise the stress on yourself, particularly given the circumstances.

It's good that your husband sets high standards for himself and that he wants to be a good Father, and also that you communicate well when he's not working. It might be a matter of trying to 'pick' your moment, but perhaps you may need to address some of these things when you can. It might be addressing back-up plans, e.g. if you have a caesarean (or have one planned) that you won't be able to drive for a certain period of time and will need his help with that. I'd certainly suggest picking your battles and not addressing everything all at once as it might be somewhat overwhelming. Do you think he'd more open to some ongoing therapy if he knew that you were seeking some for yourself as a way of preparing yourself for parenthood and to be a good supporter to him?

In terms of boundaries, I think what you need to do is think about what sort of things you are prepared to accept (and in turn, not accept) in your relationship. It might be, that you're not prepared to accept being yelled at. If he yells at you, you need to decide what you'll do in that instance. Perhaps you go out for a couple of hours to visit a friend, or go for a walk. But whatever it is, you need to follow through with it, but also have it communicated to your husband that you're going out because you won't accept being yelled at. Setting boundaries is about ensuring that you are looking after yourself (this is crucial at any time, but particularly being pregnant) and not putting up with unacceptable situations, or tolerating things that you otherwise wouldn't, if PTSD wasn't involved. It's about communicating to your husband about what is/isn't ok and there being consequences if that boundary is crossed. There are some excellent threads on here about boundaries too, which you might like to take a look at.

 

[married2ptsd]

Thanks Bilby.

Ha ha, that's exactly what my husband says, that I need to pick my moments and I also need to pick my battles. I see what you're saying. I've found that hard in practice as I feel I try to be supportive and sensitive to his needs 98% of the time. I guess I still need to put that 2% forward when he's relatively relaxed.

He's very strong-minded, he wouldn't consider any other therapy as he feels it will make him worse, he remembers screaming at all those poor psychologists. His psychiatrist is the only one he'll talk to.

Thank you, I'll look into establishing boundaries and have a plan for what I'll do if they're crossed. In some ways, I think he'd be satisfied if I did go out when he yelled. He likes time alone to concentrate on his work. I'd like to make him more accountable for his yelling.

Has your husband been a good father? Has he improved over time?

Thanks again.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He has no interest in sex, including our wedding night, I begged him to have sex so I could conceive. I couldn't believe I got pregnant from the one encounter! I'm nearly 5 months pregnant and I'm a bit tired of being a carer for him.

Frankly, this statement worries me a bit. Even if PTSD was taken out of the picture it worries me. He sounds like he wasn't ready for a relationship and the added pressure from you probably didn't help. He doesn't sound like he was or is in a good place with his healing.

 

[amethist]

I may be wrong, but it sound like you are asking a lot of him.

Married less than a year and bringing a baby into the relationship, is a lot to ask any couple, but throw in PTSD and you have, well a volcano waiting to erupt.

You will have a lot on your plate with a new baby, but trying to keep it all calm for your husband and support him, is a lot to do.

You will need to find some kind of support for yourself, and help with the baby if he cannot manage it.

I wish you a lot of luck, your going to need it.

 

[married2ptsd]

Hello Ayesha, thanks for your mail.

We'd been together for 3 years before we married. For 2.5 of those years the intimacy was wonderful. He started to be lose interest in sex when his stress levels skyrocketed and he was sleeping 4 hours a night. He said he still found me attractive, but he just didn't have the energy or the headspace to be intimate. He doesn't seem interested in anyone else and he doesn't masturbate.

He was happy with the relationship before we married and he seems happy enough when I don't ask anything of him and give him my full support. He's never said it, but I think it would probably work better for him to have a relationship where he just saw me on weekends. I think having the personal space helps him. I agree he's never been in a good place with his healing. I agree too, my wanting to have a baby and falling pregnant has put more pressure on him.

Thanks again,

 

[married2ptsd]

Hello Amethist, thank you for your thoughts. I'm guessing from your mail that it may be best to ask as little as possible from him? I agree that it would be better if I asked other people for support. I thought even as far as the actual birth goes and in the months after birth. But he's determined to be "a good father" and to be very involved. He also needs a lot of privacy and he doesn't like people staying with us and he's rejected offers from my friends who've wanted to help after the birth.

He wants to try to get some time off after the birth to help me and spend time with the baby. I guess I can only respect his wishes and wait and see what happens when the baby's born. I'm a bit concerned about the effect of the baby crying, he really doesn't like the sound of me crying and he doesn't have any empathy when I do. Do you have any experience with babies crying and not sleeping and PTSD?

Thank you kindly,

 

[Bilby]

Has your husband been a good father? Has he improved over time?

The in-patient program was fantastic for him, and us. Mind you, he was also put on medication during his stay, which I believe has helped. The program really helped us identify some problems we were having with communicating with one another, so getting the tools that we needed to work on that was a massive bonus.

My husband is incredibly strong-willed and determined and dare I say it, but he is always "right"!! Ha! He's truly an argumentative sod more often than not!

What you mention about intimacy becoming a problem when his stress levels increased is actually quite familiar to me. It was something that our relationship has had to contend with also. It's not easy, but I have relaxed more about this issue, because if I was getting worked up about it, then it would lead to him getting worked up about it and it would just snowball. Now, I just make the most of the times as and when they arrive and do my best to be supportive during times that I know are stressful for him as him being stressed isn't pretty for anyone :) Learning to look after myself and thinking about what I need from my own life to make myself happy helps get my head in the right space and to deal with whatever is going on with him, too.

In terms of him being a good Father, yes he is. He is also a Step-Father to my two oldest children. He has his faults - and I attribute this largely to his upbringing, so there are certainly issues that we butt heads over (usually relating to discipline of my two eldest, and finding work/family balance). It is obvious how much he is in love with our little one and how much he enjoys his company, but I do still wish there was more quality family time. I know I have to take into account different things he is doing/trying to achieve, as well as whatever is going on in his own mind PTSD-wise, but it is hard. I'd love for us to be able to do things as a family.

I have to say, my husband also has no empathy whatsoever in relation to me crying. It's like he's emotionless - totally uncaring, and that feels awful. But in relation to our little one, he hasn't been that way. He has understood that it's his way of telling us something - i.e. that he's hungry, tired, wants a cuddle etc. I think there has only been a handful of times (if that) where he has struggled with it, but then again, so did I, and I think that anyone struggles with a baby's cries at times. So in that sense, I don't consider his behaviour (or mine!) as anything abnormal - just realistic based on the situation and needing some space to just breath! Also, our little one had reflux, so sleep was an issue until he got onto some medication and it settled down. He was really co-operative during this time, understanding that sleep was difficult for us both, and obviously our baby, and that he needed us.

I think I may have prattled on, but I'm hoping that I've addressed some of your concerns and perhaps given you some ideas about how to manage things going forward, which is going to be essential for you :)