Relationship I'm Pregnant, Husband Has Ptsd

[married2ptsd]

Wow Bilby, I'm new to this forum and I already feel more understood about my husband's situation than I have in the years I've known about it talking to people unfamiliar with PTSD.

Thank you very much!

Great to read your mail about your experiences with your husband. His manner seems really quite similar to my husband's.

I was really bothered initially when my husband became very stressed and lost interest in intimacy, but I have come to accept it and it doesn't bother me if I choose not to let it. I have some faith that that area will improve again as it was wonderful for the first 2.5 years of our relationship.

Funnily enough, when I asked my husband about a baby crying today, he said the same. He said he is unmoved by any adult crying, but he said that doesn't mean he can't respond. He said he would know that if a baby is crying, it is simply expressing a need and he can respond to that. So he felt it would be so much easier for him than when I cry.

What I get from your mail is that I need to prioritise my own happiness and work from there. I think that's a good point. I have been thinking about this during my pregnancy as I know that if I am happy and relaxed, the baby will be ok. I will feel the same when the baby's born. So it has been a turning point for me to focus on being really content most of the time. This has allowed my relationship with my husband to improve, because I discovered he just feels terrible if I'm unhappy as he thinks he's not being a good partner and there's nothing he can do about it.

Thank you again,

 

[Bilby]

Yes, intimacy hadn't been an issue for us either, but it did become one when his stress levels increased, and I have seen the "benefits" ;) of not focussing on this issue, and realised that we're a married couple, who don't need to be at it all the time :P If we're communicating well and we're honest with each other, then things fall into place a hell of a lot easier. If I find myself getting hung up on intimacy, or for that matter, ANY issue, then it creates tension between us, which neither of us needs. I try to communicate my needs as well as I can (this isn't always easy) and prioritise these, and also do things that make me happy... and there's an old saying = "Happy Mummy = Happy Baby". It's true, and that happiness does filter through to the rest of the family.

It's not all roses, don't get me wrong. We have plenty of hiccups, but I remind myself that so does any relationship. As long as we trust each other, and try to do our best to work on our relationship, then that's the main thing.

I'm really pleased that you've been able to take some positives out of what we've talked about here and I hope that you'll be able to put some of the things identified into practice! Small changes really do make a difference.

 

[ms spock]

He made a big scene about not wanting to watch it. I told him I was disappointed as we don't have any time together and I do what I can to support him. He went to do some work, I tried to talk about it, he started screaming at me, I started crying, he got angrier and angrier and started screaming abuse, I eventually went to my room, very distressed. That's how his episodes usually play out, so it wasn't something new.

I hope you get some counselling as soon as possible.

This is most concerning.

You can't live your whole life tiptoeing around him and his PTSD. When the baby comes it will be very stressful. It might be good for you to work out what you need and organise support networks for your self.

 

[married2ptsd]

Thank you Bilbly, yes that's one of the challenges I have, that if I focus on any issue it creates stress for him and tension between us. I've learnt that if I have something to say and I say it briefly and when he's relatively relaxed and move on to another topic fairly quickly, he does absorb the comment and makes some effort to address it. Initially I thought I had to really emphasise the point as he would barely respond. In doing this, he felt wildly attacked and took it as very harsh criticism, which I always found to be an overreaction. It seems he has a hard time living with himself so any comments from me about any problems I have with him make him feel quite sore. Learning that my comments do register, when he's in the right frame of mind, has helped me and works better for him. Thank you, yes I have been able to reflect and revise my thoughts on his PTSD through this forum and I have some things to do in terms of getting support, it's been very helpful.

 

[married2ptsd]

Hello Ms Spock,

Thank you very much for your mail. Yes that's how his episodes usually play out, but they're not that frequent. Earlier that day I had told him that I was pleased we didn't argue very much anymore and the day before I'd told my friend that my husband and I were "getting along well." It had been perhaps 2.5 months since his last episode. Having said that, they do take their toll on me and I feel quite guarded for about 2 days afterwards.

I don't know what would help me during one of his episodes, perhaps if I see him getting angry, I could leave the house for a couple of hours. I think at the time, something in me wants him to acknowledge that his behaviour isn't fair. Yet that's unrealistic as he's told me that once he gets to a certain point, something in his brain snaps and he can't control himself anymore. He feels he knows he would never be physically violent with me.

I've discovered from this forum that the best help I could seek would be through other people who either suffer from PTSD or are supporters of them and perhaps a psychologist who specialises in PTSD.
Thanks again,

 

[ms spock]

Verbal abuse is often the precursor to other types of abuse so be careful.

Getting yourself a good psychologist would be a good idea.

Good luck with it all.

Can you go to some support meetings? Like an ARAFMI meeting?

 

[married2ptsd]

Hello Ms Spock, thank you for your mail.

Thanks for suggesting ARAFMI. I never thought of myself as a carer of a mentally unwell person before, but in reality, I guess that's what I am. Identifying in that way is helpful for me and I will seek support from the position of a carer, rather than the wife of a man with PTSD. That allows me to focus more on carer issues, rather than just relationship issues. I will certainly try to go to their support meetings.

Thanks again,

 

[puppy]

married2ptsd, I admire your strength and your drive to make things better for you and your family.

Although my relationship is different to yours I can definitely relate to some parts, I am also pregnant to my ptsd sufferer husband with our first baby and often worry about how he will cope (and then how I will cope when i don't have so much time and effort to be looking after/tip-toeing around him!).

You have been given some great advice and insight from bilby (thankyou bilby, I have found your info so helpful). I agree particularly with the support factors. I also find it hard sometimes to talk to friends and family about my partner when things are going bad because I worry they won't understand or they will see him in such a bad light when that is not who he is. But I've found that speaking to a couple of close friends/family that I really trust has made things so much easier for me to deal with. It also means that if I am really in a jam or really upset I can call on these people with them knowing at least some background, so they can better support me and help with what is happening.

Don't know if my comment helped to much but your have both helped me :) thank you. married2ptsd I wish you luck with bub and husband. Remember to look after yourself first and take time to do little things that make your happy and calm. Best for you, best for baby and therefore ultimately easier for you to deal with any isssues from your husband.

Goodluck :)

 

[married2ptsd]

Hello Puppy,

thanks for your mail. Nice to hear from someone in the same situation. I agree, Bilby's comments were very helpful. I guess a turning point for me was learning that my husband has triggers and a point where he loses control. In that situation, it's really not him, it's the illness causing him to behave in a certain way. That's easier for me to deal with rather than thinking that he has been consciously unkind to me.

Today I talked to my husband about being a role model for our son. (I'm 5 months pregnant, we just found out the sex) I don't want my son to learn that it's ok to be angry and shout and swear. My husband's anger is usually directed at other things, not me, but I said he can show his displeasure without shouting. He said he feels he's doing the best he can and he's improved so much in 20 years; that 20 years ago, he felt his anger was out of control. He said he would explain to our son that he can't help acting the way he does sometimes because of his illness, but that it's not permissible for our son to behave in the same way.

I guess you'll have those kinds of conversations with your husband too.

I agree it's hard to talk to friends and family about my husband as they will think he's awful if they just consider his episodes. It is certainly helpful to talk to people who understand PTSD. Society as a whole as a long way to come before having any real understanding of mental illness and we still tend to blame the sufferer for their behaviour, even when it's completely out of their control. Yet just on this forum alone, I have felt very understood and that helps me.

I am calm and happy most of the time and that's important to me and will remain important to me for our son. Best of luck to you, I hope you're enjoying your pregnancy and taking good care of yourself. I look forward to hearing how you're going.
:)

 

[Bilby]

Hi puppy, and you're most welcome :)

I also find it hard sometimes to talk to friends and family about my partner when things are going bad because I worry they won't understand or they will see him in such a bad light when that is not who he is.

Yes, I completely understand that, and often feel the same way. It does make it difficult, but I'm really glad you've found a couple that you can trust.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi,

Not sure if it would help you any, but I'm in Melbourne, engaged at am 5 months pregnant also.

Relevance is that I suffer from PTSD, and perhaps I can help with a little insight into how some things may or may not work.....I'm certainly not God's gift to anyone or anything (probably a punishment if anything), but if you'd like a little support, do let me know.

I'm also on my first child, so I really do get needing to have the support there, and I doubt the stress you are undergoing is good for bubs as well, so if you need to get something off your chest over a coffee, I'm here.

Bubzie