I'm Really Really Scared... Please Help Me

[jaiya2012]

Thank you so very much I am not someone who tells people I understand just to hear myself I am way to real and honest really that's what always gets me in my messes. But thank you and yes I have been there with people telling me that have me all figured out oh no you have what I have or this and that I hate that also. I talk from the heart really and i do not expect people to agree with me I respect that as well just know I speak up on this subject because I would never ever want anyone to go where I was and face what I faced and still do ever. I am out but it wont go away I run it follows I hide he finds me, I never want anyone to have to live like I do its hell really.

It has left me in a place I really do not like but keep fighting to get out. I hate to see anyone treated bad no matter what. I have walked this dam hard road for so many years I wore it out I am ready for a new one really. I just believe being honest and sometimes telling your own story can help others find there way through your experience. Same with you I am sure there are or will be others you will share with and it will help them. You may not think so but you helped me tonight as well. You didn't judge me I have huge issue with being judge and judge wrong and you didn't so a huge thank you.

You are a lot stronger then you think and you have shown your strength by opening up sharing and talking to me and I think that is the hardest thing well at least for me to do.

I wont lie I am a mess myself anxiety and fear and stuff that's why I joined to talk with others who have PTSD like me. I do not have any answers I wish I did for all of us all.

I know where I was and where I am now and never want to go back. Oh yea you got me to admit somethings to myself as well while writing to you so you helped me there as well ty very much.

Just give him time to think about it I used to write to my ex and he wrote to me when we both got mad or couldn't talk because I shut down. Sometimes we had to wait to the next day before we replied it worked most of the time until we stopped doing it and stopped communicating. He did not hear what I was saying and I did not hear what he was saying we both were thinking about what we were going to say while the other one was talking instead if really listening. We were both bad with that. I still do that I am always thinking with I had a shut off switch sometimes. Just relax cuddle up with your dog and try not to worry yourself. Good luck I hope it works out for the best for you I really do.

 

[Medicsw/PTSD]

Sharky,

I am really sorry about your tribulations. I pray you are looking into therapy to help Assist you in times like these. I am sure most people in this forum have similar problems and can share their situations and how we deal with them. Please allow me to offer my insight in hopes it will serve to reiterate what you may already know about your condition. In addition I am hopeful you will find me to be forthcoming and not blunt or unfeeling to your situation.

1) own responsibility for your actions. The biggest reason for your current situation is to determine what is in your scope of control and what is others that interact with you. It is important for you to understand that his actions must also be Identified and he must also be held accountable. If you attempt to justify your actions, you leave him room to follow suit. In addition, i found that
attempting to explain my condition to others is futile in most situations As people tend to draw their own conclusions. This is sometimes the case even with those that are close to you. I do not mean for you to beat yourself up or discipline yourself because of your actions. Acknowledgment is often a recovery tool and can help invoke the healing process by identifying what occurs when you have an episode. I am assuming this man does love you and is just confused about your diagnosis. It is also not too difficult to see he may have some coping mechanism issues of his own. It doesn't help yours or his situation to remain volatile during these incidents. So...

2) remove yourself from the exacerbated variables. It does not serve you or anyone else to interact with people that do not understand and/or will further infuriate the situation. Think of PTSD as a kettle where there is a constant fill line in place. There may be times, you're managing things but when heat is applied, your condition can make even little amounts of stress hiss and bubble over. If you allow others to add more to your kettle, you will only overflow. remove yourself from the heat source. At these points you need to decompress and get a handle on things. This can take silence and reflection and if you need to interact, then the minimum should be someone that understands and is compassionate. While I strongly advocate the first point of accepting responsibilities of your actions, this is not the time! In addition, in regards to us suffering from PTSD, removing ourselves from interacting with those that enable our outburst, is a totally acceptable method of owning that responsibility.

3) Get help in managing your symptoms. If you haven't done this by now, I strongly encourage it. If you are seeking help, I am hoping you are able to utilize their services right away and not wait for a delayed response. I spent countless hours on the phone with hotlines when I flash back or have panick attacks. Again, allow me to reiterate that if this is not a possibility, remove yourself from the situation, employ calming techniques and call or visit a close friend or relative that does understand.

I know this may not be the answer you're looking for and I hope you believe the spirit of this message is to express concern for your situation. I am in no way qualified to assess your condition and offer professional assistance but these are things I do to help me cope with things. I pray you find your own way to begin healing and just as important that those that have meaning in your life commit to a compassionate relationship and understanding to accept you for who you are in order for you to have a better quality of life.

V/r

Steve

 

[sharky]

Thank you both for your advice. I really do appreciate and value that someone just heard me out. I feel like I go unnoticed all the time, which is why this website has been really helping me out lately. I'm starting to slowly let all the weight roll off my shoulders, so I can meet it head on. It would have continued to manifest if I hadn't found this website a few days ago while I was feeling really really down.

I know I should really see someone. I'm getting there. My experience with my psychologist I had for like 2-4 years, was an awful one. But I never told her anything, so a lot of it was my own fault. But since I've written it finally on here under the trauma diaries, and sent that email to my boyfriend giving him insight to my trauma... I think I'm taking my first huge steps in the right direction. Which, by the way, he came in to the bedroom crying after he read it. I felt like I messed up at first for sending the message because I've read before that sometimes the people that care about the sufferers, can't handle knowing so much detail about the trauma. But he seemed okay, just upset that I had gone through what I've gone through. We talked a lot. I told him about how it was okay, he didn't have to be so upset, because at that particular moment I was feeling really numb(as soon as he walked in the door, and I knew he wasn't mad anymore, my anxiety lifted instantly).

I saw a genuine change in him. I told him he didn't need to apologize, and he told me I didn't need to either. It has opened a whole new door for my relationship with him, to the point that I think I might be able to start telling him what's really going on in my head. Like why I can't hangout with my friends anymore. But still, yes, I know what I really need is a specialist. I'm just afraid of things not going well, and I would like to try and give this self-healing a shot first.

And from what I've learned just from all the things I've figured out about myself over the past few days of being on this website and opening up more to him - I need to get worse before I can get better. I need to acknowledge things that happened, and really start thinking about how it happened to me. It didn't happen in a movie, it didn't happen to someone I don't know, or someone I do know, it happened to me.

Other problems arose tonight, just a few moments ago actually. About how I am continuing to shut out all of my friends. Cut all of my ties, even to family. I'm making myself disappear. But I'll get to that. I'm trying to focus on how this is all going to be positive for me in the end, even if I have to go to the bottom of the barrel first.

 

[Medicsw/PTSD]

Excellent! Most problems that occur with PTSD is a communication error that exist all along the spectrum between everyone and everything we interact with. First the communication break down is within ourselves as we are often confused about what our brain is telling us and what may be actually happening. Believe it or not, I find this step is the easiest to cope or even fix. The harder part is communicating that message to others unless they have been through what your going through. This is also a more difficult aspect of my illness as I tend to "loop" messages to myself that incorporate negative connotations of others' perception (things I have no control over).

I still recommend seeking professional help even though I totally understand your plight for seeking out a good pyschiatrist/therapist as I have been through my share of ones that fall a standard deviation or 2 below the median. Finding a good one will take work on your part. When you find it difficult, keep telling yourself you are worth it and you are entitled to the best care that can be provided. The healing process starts with aknowledgement but it is the love we have for ourselves that continues the drive to recovery. I am glad you are looking into doing it yourself and that is where you encompass both aknowledement and love into your process.

I recommend Tai Chi to find balance and strength. Tai Chi is a meditative art that incorporates breathing and centering of ones energy. It mirrors a philospohy of Lao Tze's 'Tao Te Ching' an eastern philosophy. Regardless of your religious preference, this is an important concept as right now, you must move away from the "how" and "why" and focus more on the now. The importance of Tai Chi's success relies on your breathing and movement (very slow). Tai Chi will help establish this pattern and move you closer to viewing your symptoms from an unbiased point of view as well as remove the negative connotations we sometimes associate with episodes that we are somehow being punished. I have a few books I can suggest. Please feel free to email me if you feel I can offer you any further help.

Again, I need to reiterate that I am not a professional and I have/am employing techniques that have/are working for me. If anything I have told you seems to make your symptoms worse, stop and seek professional help. I combine a combination of direct and spiritual approaches to my condition and find most times there is validity in my approach.


V/r

Steve

 

[sharky]

Thank you very much for the information. I only have one book as of right now. "Shock Waves" which was more for my boyfriend than for me. I have two more books high up on my list, one for both of us, and one specifically for me. The list will probably keep growing as I strive to find out more about myself. Like I said before, I need to get worse before I get better.

But could you clear a couple things up for me that have been bothering me? Will a PTSD specialist make me remember all the things I don't remember? And will they tell me that I need to tell others around me (like my mother, father, friends, etc) that I have this problem? Those are two things I really do not want to do. I don't want to do the first part because I'm already trying myself to remember as much as I can and analyze it. But I don't want to be sent down the worm hole and forced to remember really really horrific things that I don't see that benefiting me or making me any better (I'm new to trying to heal the pain, so I could be wrong, it just doesn't seem like it would help me). And as far as the telling others - I don't want to tell people, my mom in particular, and make them hurt and give them the 'aftermath' symptoms of knowing what I've been through. I don't want family members to stay awake at night because of something that is done and over with. - Those are particularly big concerns I have with consulting with a PTSD specialist.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sharky,

It seems you've already made the decision that 'I will need to get worse before I get better.' You are free to decide to make that true. But if you continue to decide that is what you want, you will prolong your suffering.

My best suggestion is to call your T. for an appointment, right now.

If you do not have a T., call and ask for one, right away.

....and give that person the benefit of the doubt. Tell that person as much as you can.

Nobody has the 'power' to make you remember anything your mind hasn't decided you are ready to handle. NOBODY. That would be an interesting God-like power, but it is not based in reality. Believing someone has the power over our mind is not rational, but it is understandable.

You get to determine the pacing and progress of your therapy.

Regarding telling others - don't. They don't need to know.

You will get some discernment skills once you work at it with your T. and you'll decide what and when to tell...to whom. If a T. does suggest it, well, it's only a suggestion, nothing more. You are always free to 'take what you like and leave the rest.'

I had to learn that I could not think myself out of PTSD. I needed to learn to trust and talk to SOMEONE.

It doesn't have to be the best T. in the world, only a 'good enough' T. with decent empathy. There are plenty out there.

Do you have a T.?

 

[sharky]

I did but she was not a very good one. Even though I didn't tell her about my trauma, I DID tell her about a lot of the anger and serious depression problems I was having, and she never gave me any advice or anything. I evens showed her my mutilated arms from all of the cutting. She just observed, and then wrote things down on her clipboard. She literally never said anything, except when I first came into the room and she'd say, "So, how has your week been?" And then after I was done talking, I would sit and stare at the clock and wait for the hour to be over. Sometimes it would actually be 45 minutes of me just sitting and staring, or falling asleep.

So, I guess no, I don't have a therapist. But I'm trying to find a good one in the area. I think the closest one might be an hour away since I live in a kind of small town, but hopefully there's actually one here that can help me. I remember a while ago I had bookmarked a woman I found that seemed like she might be good, but that was on my old computer and I don't remember who it was.

I was actually planning on looking today, and maybe instead of it being 'today' I should just do it right now, otherwise I will procrastinate and it just won't happen.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I did but she was not a very good one. Even though I didn't tell her about my trauma, I DID tell her about a lot of the anger and serious depression problems I was having, and she never gave me any advice or anything.

It's difficult to ascertain if she wasn't a very good one if you never told her about your trauma. She may prove to not be a good T. But until you have worked with her awhile, at least 6 appointments or so, it would be hard to know.

After all...how can she act on information she doesn't have?

She was actually doing what a good T. does...allow you to take the lead in where you want your recovery to go.

If you won't tell her why you're there, she has no way of knowing what is going on inside of you.

It would be dangerous for a T. to give any advice with no way of ascertaining a known baseline with a highly symptomatic patient.

I evens showed her my mutilated arms from all of the cutting. She just observed, and then wrote things down on her clipboard.

That's all she can do.

Because some patients are so destabilized (I know I was) that any response at all could just push someone over the edge.

If they are only talking about the symptoms, but are engaging in so much avoidance of the source of the problem, that can be a big indication that the patient just isn't ready.

You'll arrive there, someday. When you are ready to talk about it...at least a little, so she (or your next T.) knows what she's dealing with.

Anything less is going to prolong your suffering.

As much as I have to pay for my T. sessions, there's no WAY I'd spend precious, expensive minutes not saying anything if I had any choice.

She literally never said anything, except when I first came into the room and she'd say, "So, how has your week been?" And then after I was done talking, I would sit and stare at the clock and wait for the hour to be over. Sometimes it would actually be 45 minutes of me just sitting and staring, or falling asleep.

Hmmm....I did do that with a T. when I was in my 20s. Sure wish I had known then what I know now. I understand. But if you're not up to even talking to her about the easy stuff such as how your week was, there's no way you've got enough trust in yourself or her to begin talking about the hard stuff.

Trust begins with small talk and being willing to listen (& reject as you see fit) to what she says.

I really think you might consider calling her back and facing her...and giving her a chance to help you. But if you can't talk about the easy stuff in the T. room, the best T. in the world can't give you the willingness to face things.

So, take good self-care, and when you decide that going through is better than avoiding, you'll know. You'll be ready. But don't beat yourself up for not being ready yet.

We all have to face ourselves in our own time. ...and you will do it, sometime.

It's hard but it's better than living another day with the suffering I was.

 

[sharky]

Okay. I know that a lot of my therapist issues come from the fact that it was way too close to the time of the trauma, and at first was even while the trauma was still happening.

I'm going to need to find a different therapist though, because she used to drink coffee during every single one of our sessions and she knew I had a really big issue with 'mouth noises' and I'd mention it almost every single time and I'd go into detail about how I didn't like the sound of people gulping. She didn't respect that.

She gave me zero advice in the 2-4 years I saw her. I know I shouldn't, but honestly, I hate her. I get really pissed off when I think about it too much.

I'm glad that you said that I should go when I'm ready. Everyone on here, it seems, just gives me the advice that they really think I should see someone. They're not wrong, I know I should. I just don't know if I can handle it right now. I want to try to figure myself out first, since I hardly know who I am anymore. I need to be able to grasp things a little bit better, and know that I can even talk about them out loud to people. I don't want to go see a specialist and start lying and avoiding things because I still am unable to talk about what's really going on. Because then that's just wasting time and money, and I think it will just send me deeper into the worm hole.

I have two books on my booklist right now, and one of them is to help heal. Hopefully it will help me be able to open up more. Because although I am officially opening up to my boyfriend as of last night, he is not a professional and he can't have the constant burden of his troubles AND mine. That's unfair of me to put that weight on him when I don't have a professional I'm seeking help from.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hmmmm...did you ever ask her a direct question such as 'Please don't drink during out sessions. That sound really bothers me' ? ...or, did you 'beat around the bush' and expect her to 'get it'? Because beating around the bush is a passive-aggressive communication style that really hampers progress in recovery.

Because you were given many opportunities to begin asserting yourself on this small issue.

...and learning to assert ourselves on the small issues is the beginning of the path to meeting, accepting, and being our true selves.

With me, it was the sound of the broken sliding window above my T.'s office. My diary shows how many months I sat there ticked about it but still to passive to be direct.

When I did finally ask, and my T. tried to do something about it, I learned that he was listening and would try to help.

It's not easy, but my T. and I both have equal responsibility in what happens in the T. room.

Mine is to express myself honestly, and to be willing to listen. The best T. in the world won't help me if I don't do my part.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Also, I did spend two decades trying self-help books. I understand that.

I also read many on how to open up more.

You know, it's funny. I learned how to open up more only once I actually practiced opening up more.

It's the quickest distance between thinking it and actually accomplishing it.

Easier said than done, I know!

What advice do you think she should have given you? Can you tell that to yourself and put it into practice? If you have the answers, are you ok with your progress? Only you know the answers, and there are no 'shoulds' or 'right' answers.

Only those that are healthy versus unhealthy.

 

[sharky]

I need to find myself one... Now. Can I just find someone, and go to my Doctor and say "Hey, I need a reference please." Would he probably do it? Last time I was there I told him I was trying to find someone and he said, "Okay, so I'm going to write down you're going to start seeing someone."

But I never did. But if I have a name in my hand, do you think that will work for getting the reference? I have no job and I can't afford seeing someone without some kind of insurance help. I think I'm still on my mothers insurance. I sure hope I am.