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I'm Screwed Up

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SwordsPandaGirl

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I feel like such a waste of space and time. My wedding is in one week, yet I'm having SI?!! Is this normal?! It should be the happiest time of my life yet, I don't feel that way :( I hate that I can't feel happy. There is something wrong with me and I don't deserve him or anything at all. Why can't I just be normal :'(
 
Sorry to hear this, a wedding can be a very stressful thing. Can you think of ways to soothe yourself and take care of yourself? I am sure you deserve him and you certainly deserve other nice things in life too :hug: healing hugs to you.
 
Storytime:
I see at least one wedding per week (it'll be two just today! Working in a related industry will do that...) and the absolute majority of those has at least one partner in complete stress-induced meltdown-mode at least until the main part is done, everyone's been fed and watered and all that's left to do is to party.
These are healthy (and sometimes very, very sheltered) people and they can't handle the stress of a wedding all that well.
Add that acronym of ours and its lovely ways of messing with thoughts and emotions to the mix and it'll get that much harder.

BUT! I'd say you're doing well! You made it this close to the date without running for the hills, which is more than some can claim for themselves (*cough**blush*) - you can go all the way now.
Is there anything you like to do to unwind? I know the last days before a wedding don't really have enough hours in the day already, but some things are just so important that one should be making the time, even if it's just to go for a long walk or whatever may help you catch your breath.
You'll be fine, it'll be a beautiful day and you'll BOTH be happy you took the plunge. Just keep on taking care of yourself until the day comes. :)

And now one more thing that I hope you don't misunderstand:
Whether you deserve him or not...is not for you to decide. That is his call, and he obviously made it.
No matter how you may be feeling about yourself right now, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and I'd say that's a pretty clear sign that you do deserve him. He loves you for everything you are and he wants that whole package in his life every day.
He knows you deserve him even if you can't believe it right now. If there's any way at all you might be able to let that thought carry you through this nutso-stressful pre-wedding days, please try not to fight it.

There's absolutely nothing "wrong with you", especially not in his eyes. Take care of yourself, keep on keeping on, and I wish you both a beautiful wedding day and a wonderful marriage. :)
 
Thanks for the replies everyone. It helps to know that there are others that understand how I'm feeling.

What gets me is that I'm having anxiety attacks all the time and I spend most of the time crying my eyes out. It makes me feel like a freak, especially that others keep mentioning how excited and happy I must feel considering the wedding is in a week but I dot feel that way and my body definitely doesn't feel that way. I can't leave my house because I have a break down if is o and I just can't cope with anything. There is so much I need to get done yet, I can't :( is it normal to be crying this much?

It's not that I don't love him, I just wonder why and how he could put up with me sometimes. The wedding in general seems more like a nightmare than anything else at this point :(
 
That is why there is this thing called "eloping" came into being - for those that cannot cope with the pre wedding jitters. That that is a thing shows you that it is completely normal what you are going through!
 
@SwordsPandaGirl I've struggled how to reply, but I think I've come to this:

Yes I think it's 'normal', especially normal for ptsd. I find panic & fear prevent thinking (constrict it), & block memories (good ones),

To feel you are of not enough worth doesn't sound like it reflects the relationship you've had (those words come from a lack of self- worth). If on the other hand you've said you've had doubts about this or this guy all along (which you haven't said), I would say stop. (That would come from fear or misgivings based on self worth, or gut instinct 'protecting yourself'.)

I hope you can stop, & try to think of only even one thing happy or completed. It will be ok. It will be beautiful in fact, I bet. :tup: :) :hug:
 
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