Sufferer I'm So Lost, Afraid And Feel Like I'm Losing My Mind

[beautiful.mobey]

Hi! everyone,

My name is Mj and I'm new here or from what I remember I haven't been on here before but I must of the site was saved in my favorites and logged in with no problems.

Crazy huh? Well this kinda memory lapse have been happening for over a year now. I've suffered with PTSD since I was 12 ..I'll be posting my story in trauma diaries. Anyways I underwent years of therapy and I was finally able to move on with my life until 2 1/2 yrs ago my ex had a psychotic break and out of the blue he snapped and proceeded to beat me on me with pure rage and this is a man that was always so gentle with me,never raised his voice or give me any red flags that he was an violent offender.

Since that night every details from my past that i had blocked came back everything I've suffered from many forms of abuse I was re living it all as the memories came back. My PTSD came back worst then ever. I was put in hospital for 6 weeks due to suicide attempt and was diagnose with PTSD obviously,severe anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.

For last 6 months to a year I've been getting memory lapse. I'd forget what I;ve done or where I've been. I remember one day I was in grocery store and I felt someone beside me ask me if I needed help with something. I look at her and said no thanks im fine why do you ask? She said I stood where I was for like 5 min staring at the orange I was holding. I looked around and noticed I was in grocery store in town. Last thing I remember I was sitting in my living room checking my email on my laptop..I was so confused and lost I ended up having an anxiety attack. Had call my fiance to come get me.

Some days I notice I forget conversation I've had earlier thatday or I will go do a chore and notice its been done and I'm the only one home. I'll forget what street I live or that I had alread/had dinner and proceed to go make it and realize its been cooked and left overs in fridge..Does that sound like dissociative disorder?

I've had ct scans, dozen of tests and they found nothing explaining why this is happening. Am I just crazy like imagining all this? I told my family doctor and she thinks I'm doing drugs and not telling her or I'm lying so I don't say anything anymore. I'm afraid they will book me in hospital because I'm acting crazy. Please if anyone been through this please give me answers or explanation because I don't know what happening to me.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you talked to a psychiatrist about this?

I am not a doctor, but it sounds like dissociation. There are other threads about this that might give you some relief if you search for dissociation on here and look at the wiki pages.

 

[Cwolf220]

Also have experienced psychotic breaks, twice. Very freaking scary. Can give you some info if you need it. It's difficult to understand unless you've had one.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please find a new doctor you can trust! It is horrible to not be believed by medical personnel. I almost died....but, my family would have had a sweet lawsuit against the hospital and won. Ok that's kind of morbid, forget the last part. My point is that it's not all that uncommon for doctors to doubt their patients.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

 

[Cwolf220]

In terms of disassociative disorder, with a psych background although I am certainly not a doctor, I'm on the fence on this one. I've had horrible paralyzing moments where I will stand staring for minutes before realizing I'm still there. For me, it is my hyper vigilance kicking in most times. I worry that someone is there and I have to wait and see- and then minutes later realize I'm standing there with muscles so tensed they almost hurt, just inaction overall. Never had a dissociative diagnosis but plenty of others... Confused the heck out of me on many occasions. I tend to build up til breaking point and on the worst ones have either had a seizure or hallucinated. Hallucinations were bad- thought people with weapons were coming to get me, called cops, no one was there. I feel like a lunatic and I'm certain the police did as well. Seizures not too fun either. Still can't feel my bottom lip from biting through it on the last one. Sorry, I guess I am rambling. I'm sorry.