I'm So Perplexed About Rape Victims

[Ufu]

as long as I keep it under control.

Then it isn't rape, it's fantasy. Rape is not in your control, that's pretty much the definition.

We all have options, granted some choices aren't good ones to make, but then there's also such a thing as a good option turning into a bad one if it's taken before someone is ready.

If this pertains to your trauma then you and I were raped under extremely different circumstances. I definitely had no choice whatsoever in any aspect of it.

I still think there is an enormous difference between rape and rape fantasy (even where reliving the trauma comes in) and although I agree that some people put themselves in positions where they're likely to be raped and/or have fantasies of such, I strongly doubt anyone actually wants to be raped - after being raped (not a fantasy) do these people you think want to be raped feel better for the experience and that it satiated that need or do they feel broken and shattered and hollow, do you think they think they want it then? Even where some compulsive need to put them selves at risk I highly doubt it's because that's what they genuinely want - again I think that this isn't within their control, nor is it their choice.

It's especially hard if you orgasmed during the assault

by an attraction you never knew you had

I don't really know where to begin with this, I hope these statements relate, because otherwise I have no idea what you meant. Sometimes our bodies betray us, there are things that can be done to a female that essentially will give an effect to her body and that betrayal from our selves is just as bad, if not worse than the rape itself. I know that in several of the times I was raped, I was stimulated in such a manner to "make it better for myself" and to prove a point both to myself and to my abusers that what they were doing was ok, despite the fact that I was a child.

I'm well aware that it isn't the person's fault and that it isn't okay to continue behaviors that serve no benifit, and I hope I didn't make it seem like that's what I think. I just don't want to back anyone into a corner by saying that they have no options. We all have options, granted some choices aren't good ones to make, but then there's also such a thing as a good option turning into a bad one if it's taken before someone is ready. Pushing someone to do something before they're ready is the absolute last thing I want to do, especially on a site like this. Not to mention I'd like to respect the notion that we all have to deal with our problems in different ways. I'm not all-knowing by any means, so I'd rather not go off saying that this is the right way to deal with something when the said method might not suit the person I'm talking to.

There's a vagueness to this whole paragraph that I can't wrap my head around, are you saying that for some people re-enacting rape or engaging in a rape fantasy could be healing? I don't understand what the options (or lack of) are and what you are/aren't recommending pushing someone to do.

It's especially hard if you orgasmed during the assault

 

[Akazi]

I get the same thing as Ifut

May I ask if you have experienced sexual assault? From what I understood before you haven't had these experiences at all. I am wondering if you are looking at so called rape play and how you feel about it - maybe that there is a compulsion there and you are hovering around the bounder of what feels ok and what not - and equating that to how someone with a sexual assault history would feel in these situations. That would be faulty thinking.

For me that often means summoning or accepting emotions that put me back in the time or the trauma, to an extent. Although admittedly, I have made the mistake of taking it too far too fast before and I did wind up making things worse.

I'm not sure I understand at all. Would you maybe give an example? Are you saying that rape play is somewhere you do this when you never experienced rape but you see it as playing out some other trauma?

If your trauma was attempted murder by stabbing you may end up with a compulsion related in some way but that would not feel in any way like someone else having a similar fantasy. The reasons underlying that fantasy would be very different too.

Are you into s and m? How far do you go when you act out rape fantasy? It may help us see the coloured glasses you are viewing this through.

 

[Ogari]

Ufu here, the random quote at the end was not meant to be there.

 

[Enun]

I don't understand your seeming compulsion to give advice to survivors of rape when you yourself haven't been raped. You seem to be under the impression that it's important that you respond to them, and I find that baffling.

This would be like me - not a veterean - posting about, what is it like for people who've been in combat because I really, really want to say stuff to them but I don't know what it's like for them. Why should I say anything to them? Why should I think they would benefit from my lacking understanding of their experiences? Especially when there are other people on the forum who do understand and will respond.

I'm not all-knowing by any means, so I'd rather not go off saying that this is the right way to deal with something when the said method might not suit the person I'm talking to.

Pushing someone to do something before they're ready is the absolute last thing I want to do, especially on a site like this.

I just don't want to back anyone into a corner by saying that they have no options.

All of which would be very easily avoided by saying nothing. If you have so many doubts and questions about what to say, doesn't that raise any doubts or questions for you that maybe your best response would be not to respond at all?

It seems you're unable to let go of the idea of giving advice. Why?

 

[Avas]

I agree with Enun. The misunderstandings of power/control/rape are stark in the attempt to even equate rape play with an idea of some people enjoying being raped, or even try to understand it in the same category.

Rape is somebody else taking ownership or enslaving the body with no recognition of the person that lives inside the body. The person being raped has had their body taken over, and the mind does what it can to compensate for the catastrophically disturbing realisation that your body is not your own (or is not you).

It is no doubt a concept that is extremely difficult for people who haven't had that experience to understand. BUT, some of the most reassuring words I know are "I know I can't understand, but I'm here if you need an ear or a hand with anything" - they are reassuring because they give the person whose trauma it is their control back. When you dive in trying to help and understand what it might be like for the other person, you are taking control of their healing and because rape is predominantly about control, that can be very uncomfortable, if not triggering.

 

[Ojihi]

I see nothing wrong with BDSM related things if your not taking someone's free wil and its all done with consent so be it the community with BDSM is a little different with it if you have ever tried it. I see no problem with fantasy being used in reality under bdsm sub slave dom or whatever play its your choice just don't break the law and not a good idea to ask a question like that on here. Go to fetlife for a debate about that question I guess

 

[Ovaje]

I actually think the whole naming of this form of play needs to be changed. By definition it cannot be rape fantasy, since rape means no consent, and if it is all about consensual acting out of a fantasy it is inaccurate to even call it rape fantasy. More like "Domination rough play" or something similar.

 

[Osoza]

I agree with Ojihi...this is the wrong place to be bringing up this topic. It's a major headf*ck for anyone who has been raped to read this.