Sexual Assault Im So Scared Of Thunder - Muru's Story

[Muruluisku]

It's been stormy today... This year has been really bad with thunder storms. They must stop soon, it's the middle of winter!

I'm really, really scared of thunder. The nightmares/flashbacks about the baddie uncle are scary and intense, but thunder makes my body hurt too, and it's not just in my head. Are that kind of flashbacks called "body memories" or have I understood that part wrong about flashbacks?

It's another day of thunder and lightning. My body is rigid with fear. Thunder makes people evil. I think there is a bad monster or devil living up in thunder clouds and it creeps up on people and makes them do bad things.

Daddy loves thunder. When he's at home and there's thunder he always fetches his favourite chair and takes it by the bedroom window. He calls me over to watch the storm with him. He says I'll be safe on his lap and the lightning won't get me if I sit still.

I don't want the lightning to strike me so I sit on his lap even though I'm so, so scared. He always wraps me in a blanket, to keep me warm, he says. Daddy says thunder makes the air charge with tension and anticipation. I can't feel it, I only feel fear. The baddie from the thunder cloud has gotten into daddy.

The baddie slips his hand inside the blanket and inside my knickers. He tells me he wants to show me how a lightning can strike people and make them shiver. I know what's coming, it's always the same: He strokes me when the thunder rumbles, and when the lightning lights up the sky he shoves his finger inside me.

I jump and shake from the shock of it even though I knew it was coming. The shock convulses through my whole body. It's a game the baddie likes to play. I can't help the sobs rising from my chest. The baddie cuddles me and whispers soothing words in my ear, saying I'm safe with him. I AM SO CONFUSED because this does not feel safe, not at all.

I try to stay as still as I can because moving hurts. It doesn't hurt as much as when the baddie uncle comes at night, but the shock of seeing thunder monster turning my daddy into a baddie feels worse than any amount of physical pain.
I feel so ALONE :(

When the thunder calms down the baddie goes away. Daddy lifts me off his lap and goes to toilet. I go to lie down in my bed, pull the covers over my head and hide with my teddy. I don't want to play today, apart from playing dead. I really hope I could die and go to see grandpa in heaven. I'd like to ask grandpa how to keep daddy safe from the thunder monster.

I love my daddy so I can't tell anyone what happened because they would not understand that it was the thunder monster that turned daddy into a baddie. The trouble is I have never seen the thunder monster, I can only sense it coming. Adults don't believe things they can't see, so they would not believe me.

What is it about thunder that makes people bad?
And why couldn't I stay numb and go to my climbing tree like when the baddie uncle hurt me? And why do I still feel that pain all through my body after all these years of being "safe", every single time there's thunder and lightning? I'm still so confused :(

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Muru, I read this and I spent a long time seeking for some words that could help you, comfort you, something wise and encouraging, but I feel horribly emptied... I just want you to know that my heart is with you. I wish I could somehow make it easier for you...

These memories won´t be so devastating when you will be some time in the therapy. I believe you will be relieved, only it unfortunately takes some time... But you can do it. You will feel better. You will have help. I am deeply sorry about how confusing it must be for you... It´s not your fault, these memories are simply coming back because these were horrible experiences. No one had any right to hurt you in such a cruel way.

Please, my dear Muru, try to consider telling somebody of your friends... There is no way in which this could be your fault. People who love you won´t stop loving you. On the contrary, they would love you even more... This is how it was with my friends, whenever I told somebody I was scared to death believing the must think I am a terrible human being. But that was not true. I didn´t lost my freinds, and neither would you. They won´t stop loving you after you tell them. You don´t have to tell everything in one moment. At first you can just say you were hurt as a child, you don´t have to speak openly about the details... later you can let them read some of your posts or whatever that would be the least difficult thing for you. No one will stop loving you, it wasn´t your fault and you are a good person, a wonderful woman and you are pure and beautiful, both your body and your heart. You deserve love and care.

About the thunders - I have an idea, which comes from my own experience. I have quite an issue with my hands - my palms just seem horribly, horribly dirty to me. When I told this to a friend of mine, he hugged me and spoke to me softly, stroking my hair and kissing my palms - and suddenly I realized I am loved, I am really, really safe with him - and for that brief moment I was able to see myself through his eyes - and I knew I was pure, I have always been and always will be pure and that´s something no one can ever take away from me. Anytime I felt the urge to cut my palms, I tried to remember this moment and sometimes it helped me.

So, maybe, maybe, if you could find somebody you know and trust enough to confide with your story, maybe you could ask this friend to stay with you during a storm, you would be sitting at the window and eat chocolate and watching a movie and talk a lot and you can laugh and you can cry and tell how are you feeling and tell him/her if you are scared and what are you afraid of and your friend would be here to comfort you... And you could instruct this person what to do, what to say if you start shivering or crying. You could experience something different - you wouldn´t be alone. You don´t have to be alone. Do this a few times... As often as possible. Maybe these pleasant memories could be helpful when fighting your painful memories from childhood...

It´s just an idea and I am not sure how it will work, but maybe this could bring you some kind of relief... I hope so.

Take care <3

 

[Muruluisku]

Bluebird *drawing comfort from your kindness and compassion* just the fact that you let me know that you've got time to read what I write...that you care makes me feel better..honestly!

I've got quite a few bad places that my head goes off to..different flashbacks. I have recently felt that I'd like to write them out of my head and see if other people think I'm bad..like I tend to think..or if people could give me alternative ways of thinking...like you are doing...and maybe that would help me to stop feeling like I'm bad to the core...and MAYBE then I could test this out in real life...with a friend..but I wouldn't dare to just yet..I don't want to freak out my friends or loose them.

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Muru, there is really no way in which this could ever be you fault! You are good and you are pure and you are stong and you are an amazing person... You deserve all the love and kindness in the world... You are not bad, never, never, ever... And I am really glad that I can do something - even if it is just a small thing - to bring you some sort of relief...

But yes, I get it, I felt exactly the same way when I was telling somebody for the first time... I though he would hate me and I avoided him after that, which made it impossible for him to help me. And I kept avoiding anyone else I ever talked to about it for two years... But you know what I found out later - they didn´t stop loving me, whenever I asked, there was help, there was support... Finally I stopped escaping and I have found a friend who supports me through all this... He didn´t stop loving me and I somtimes even believe him when he says so. Love does not fade away by any circumstances. Love is stronger than fear. There are more people around me giving me hope, people who care. They didn´t turn away from me.

There is no way in which this could be your fault. You are not a broken toy, you are a person, a good person! And you were hurt by people who were meant to protect you, but they chose to do evil things instead... It wasn´t your choice, you didn´t ask for it, you didn´t want it to happen... You couldn´t have stopped it, because you were a small child and you were dependent on the adults, you had no power over them... You were completely innocent and you still are, you are not broken, you are good and no one can take this away from you... I know it is hard to believe, but you really, really are good...

If you choose to tell somebody in time - yes, your friend would probably be shocked and they would be sad because of your sadness, but they would also be glad you trust them enough to confide. My friends always told me they are glad they can help me. They maybe do not know what to do, but they can listen and hug me when i cry. People who love you are sad when you are sad, but when they know about your sadness, they will try to help, to support you... You deserve it... No one will ever judge you. Believe me or not, and I hope with all my heart you will believe it, truly believe it in the very bottom of your heart, you are good... :- )

I hope you feel a bit better now... Did the sleeping pills work? Please, don´t be ashamed of anything. I understand your anxiety about telling important people in your life... I just want you to know I was scared for the same reason, scared to death - but it didn´t happen, I didn´t lose my friends. Our friendship grew much deeper and we became closer and I can also support them when they need me. No one deserves to be alone. You are very strong and I believe in you! :- ) And I also believe you will be able to talk to somebody of your friends, when you find courage and the right moment comes. Please, don´t be afraid... I care about you, my dear Muru, and another people in here do care about you as well... No one wants you to be alone anymore... You deserve love. Trust me ;- )

Take care <3

 

[Muruluisku]

Oh Bluebird, you are so good at making me feel better when I read your messages that are full of compassion, caring and encouragement.

I hope I could remember what you said in your messages for a bit longer than a minute after I've read them, then I could start believing all the lovely things you said about me :)

 

[Muruluisku]

I'm sad...I missed my special work training day and a colleague's birthday because of thunder... Or rather because I was too scared to go out of the flat as they had forecasted thunder. And it came, the storm, at about 10am this morning *crying*

My body is so sore now because the flashbacks just corsed through every time the lightning and thunder ripped the sky. I'm so disappointed that I can't be normal and just ignore the thunder ;( And I hate my body and stupid head for making me feel it again and again and again untill I can't take it anymore and just feel numb and dead and nothingness...

And now the sun is shining outside like there never was a storm but I'm too sore and tired and blotchy from crying in terror that I can't go out...not properly anyway.

Maybe I'll tiptoe quietly into my back garden and hide there for a bit...and let the sun give me a hug. I want to feel better and I'm so tired of this... Please can you remind me I'm not all alone and you guys are listening? I want to feel you with me, please...*reaching hands out for a safe hug*

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Hey @Muruluisku - I'm still listening. I am glad you found your way here. I guess you were surprised by all the changes.

I was Brucielucy on the other forum, but I'm still here as are the others.

I am sorry that you missed your friends birthday. I am sure she understands.
" reaching hands back for that safe hug"

 

[digger]

Go out into the sunshine. Even if it's only for a few minutes. It will help xx

*splinter*

 

[bluebird]

Dear Muru, we are still here - and so for the changes, my name remains the same ;)

You did nothing to be ashamed of, I also think your friend understands.

Your body and mind deserve nothing but love - oh, and definitely as many *safe hugs* as you wish... Go out and enjoy the sun... for the dark stormy clouds go away, for there is sunlight and there is love and hope...

Don´t be afraid, baby girl... neboj se, maličká...

 

[cherryblossom]

We're still here @Muruluisku !! Safe hugs :hug:

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you lovelies *sigh of relief*
<3: Muru