I'm So Scared

[Crayon]

Hey everyone, there can be some triggers in my post.

It's my first time here. I recently went to my GP who referred me to a psychologist to get me treated for PTSD.

It's very, very hard for me to talk about this. I'm just so scared all of the time. There are a few things in my past that just keep coming back every single day. The first being images of when I found my mother (at age 6) when she tried to kill herself. Then more images of sexual abuse. I tried to type it here but I can't talk about this, if I do, I'll go insane, I won't be able to handle it anymore.

I don't feel good, I have nightmares where I wake up screaming soaked in sweat. I'm afraid all of the time, I hide myself in the house. My head keeps on going back to the memories, sometimes I see pictures, sometimes it's a short movie. I feel desperate, sometimes I can't take it anymore and I just want to end it all, drive my car off a cliff. I'm nauseous, my hands are shaking all of the time, my muscles feel tingly. I have weird body pains that don't make sense (pain around my heart, in my lower back).
I was at work (med student) and I had to work with children who were neglected and had a history of sexual abuse. I couldn't handle it. I'd "zone out", it's hard to describe. I my body was there but I was watching myself from a distance, everything was misty, I couldn't stop it either. I could hear myself talk but those weren't my words - I was thinking something different but my body just kept on going. I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes. I instantly forgot everything that was said to me. I arrived at work not knowing how I ended up there. It freaked me out when I found car keys in my pocket. I still can't remember how I drove to work, I checked the parking lot and found my car. I mean what the hell? I do remember feeling horrible in the morning, everything else is blank. It scares me so much.
I'm also constantly scratching/plucking my skin. I have bald patches in my eyebrows and I can't stop plucking my eyelashes either.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going insane :(

 

[Deleted member 24866]

So sorry.. Again I can only offer what has helped me. Hold your inner child. I hope you have found a good therapist. [I wonder also at my choice.. to try to integrate (exploited as a child).. I want to assist run always with investigative work into trafficking voluntarily.. I want to fight these devils.. yet you present a human side, give yourself time to process, lots of time.. Obviously being there triggers you.. maybe you feel like you are them? I would give it time to absorb and see what can be learned hopefully with a therapists hand 1-2 per week. Maybe you can conquer this given time.. to help fight these- your demons ? You will certainly have to be able to integrate memories.. Sending a big hug. Don't forget to breath.. let your creativity rise up from your subconscious and find the way to healing. What is insanity ;) ..we only use 10% of our brains- neuroplasticity brings hope, we can initiate change it just takes time...be patient with yourself.

 

[macca]

It being hard to talk about is characteristic of PTSD. You've made a great start here, with that post. Hopefully the psychologist you have been referred to specialises in trauma - if not, maybe try to find one who does? It's worth looking for someone specialising in that area if you can.

 

[wind]

Hey everyone, there can be some triggers in my post.

It's my first time here. I recently went to my GP w...

I think it's wonderful how you put down all your symptoms - that way i can see how totally normal you are - a normal human being who is reacting to what happened to you in totally normal ways - the dissociation (ending up somewhere you don't remember how you got there) - the watching yourself from a distance because you were having a flashback and another dissociation episode. The tingling you feel. The nightmares. The memories. The pain. The mental re-runs. The horror of it all. The just wanting all the pain to stop. SO NORMAL for what you have experienced - know this - know you are not alone - i have had similar experiences and they seemed so frightening, yet now that i understand what they are, and why they are happening, i feel a lot less "out of control". True they are painful and i wish it would all be over with, but i wanted to encourage you that there is light and peace not just the fear and anxiety. i found peace in the midst of all the horror i experienced and later when i experienced symptoms, it was truly an anchor in the intense storms of re-experiencing and flashbacks, etc etc etc.

I read your post just now and was moving on to look for something i was searching for and three times came back to you because i couldn't leave you hanging like that - i know you wrote this in 2014 and it's now 2015 but if you are still wanting to talk about it - i'm here.