I'm so scared

[BlueWeepingRose]

I've been in therapy and talking to her about my feelings and what I'm feeling as of lately. It's helping. I'm scared though, deeply scared of everything it seems like. I wish I could move on after being sexually assaulted but I continue to have these symptoms. Shaking, panic attacks, mistrust, paranoid, always looking over my shoulder and simply not believing what people say to me. I try to avoid people and talking to them a lot for that matter because I'm scared it'll happen again.

Anytime I get close to someone or open up, I worry they'll judge me, think less of me or look at me differently. Sometimes I also worry that they'll end up giving up on me and not speaking to me again. Since I have so many PTSD symptoms, I'm afraid it'll be too much for people and they'll end up not speaking to me. So on my bad days, I don't want to talk to anyone or open up to them about what I'm feeling. It's a lot to take in, especially if they haven't been through it. I don't wanna stress them out because it's something I know I have to deal with on my own. Someone close to me recently said, "You don't have to always be alone though." The thing is though I don't want to bring people into what I'm experiencing because I don't want to upset them. This is not something I want at all. I don't mind support but I have a hard time speaking to my friends about this kind of thing.

I just hope I'm not alone here in these type of thoughts. I'm sharing them the best way I know how because it's so hard to put into words but I feel panic and fear, that everything evil is lurking around every corner. I'm not the paranoid type at all but since this happened to me this is what I fear. Sometimes my voice even shakes and I've been dealing with Sleep Paralysis lately. So now I sleep with a light on in my bedroom. I just wish all of this would stop because I feel so exhausted right now. My mind is literally so exhausted.... from everything going on through my head.

 

[somerandomguy]

You are absolutely not alone. What you're experiencing is 100% normal after what happened. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you're working through it in therapy.

 

[ladee]

Well, hopefully, you will feel more free to speak about things here, as we all understand. And your friend is right. You don't have to do this alone. But it does help to talk to people that 'get it', and you don't have to worry about upsetting anyone here.

Hope you have taken a little time to read around the forum, different topics that you may relate to, so that you can see for yourself how accepting and supportive people are here.... We get it that 'trust' is not automatic.... comes with time...

Glad you shared, and hope you feel more comfortable as time goes on to not feel so alone on this journey.... takes a lot of courage to reach out, glad you did !!!

 

[Sweetleaf]

Wow... your post, like every word of it - totally could have been written by me, because it describes the way I feel so much.

You really make me feel less alone. Reading things like what you wrote reminds me that what I'm going through is perfectly normal for someone who has been sexually assaulted.

It -IS- really hard to talk with friends, or professionals, or anyone about our stuff. But, I have found that a lot of the people I communicate with, are actually really supportive and helpful about it, when I do open up. I still rarely open up, though. I always feel like I'm oversharing, just mentioning any of it, and I'm afraid people will react badly and feel awkward and treat me differently.

Nothing but empathy about the way you're feeling. That's my life right now, too.

 

[Mee]

Yes, you will find lots of us understand lots of what you are going through.

It's exhausting and it really does feel isolating; in different ways. You have trust issues with others and your judgement or faith in others and the idea if being vulnerable to more hurt is very difficult.

As others have said; your friend is right and you do not have to do it alone, it's best not to I think ; but I was also glad to learn here others had like me, found that it was ok to let go of some connections too; if they are not helping.

 

[Angelwings]

I've been in therapy and talking to her about my feelings and what I'm feeling as of lately. It...

I understand everything you just said. You are not alone. I freak out all the time over the smallest things. My son playing will make me feel like someone is going to attack because he yells randomly and that frightens me a lot. I'm constantly surveying the scene to make sure no one is there to hurt my son or me. I can't sleep because of freaking out that if I close my eyes someone will come in the room and hurt me. It's crazy, this PTSD thing. I hope that both of us are able to find some peace through our therapy.