I'm Terrified Of Going To Sleep

[Pixielicious]

My sleep pattern is terrible...It's 1-2 nights in a row awake and then I pass out from exhaustion.
I have horrendous constant nightmares, I wake up screaming, terrified, pushing kicking whatever and sometimes wake up smack straight into the arms of a flashback, these are the worst kind of flashbacks I get and it's even more harder for me to come out of the flashback because I think I'm still dreaming. I've actually hurt myself, ending up bruised, during these nightmares trying to run out the room ect, or tripping over something...does anyone else experience this? :confused::meh:

 

[LaceySA]

My sleep pattern is terrible...It's 1-2 nights in a row awake and then I pass out from exhaustion.
I...

It used to be like that for me too. I would wake up over and over all night every night screaming and no matter how well I held it together during the day, the nightmares put me into the worst flashbacks and I would be a wreck. Screaming, crying, and unintelligible. At first it was always that way, and then mostly if I tried to share a bed with a man or talk to a friend or open up at all in any way to anyone. When I would scream and cry all night my dog would hide under the bed and whimper. I hated it. It went on for years.

The few people that saw it were terrified and got out of my life quick. Lovers never understood why they couldn't stay the night and I would never stay over. The man I am married to now was one of the only ones that wasn't scared or even angry. I was engaged once before that and then he saw me like that and he got so mad that it messed me up and I couldn't leave my house for two months.

Now I have a screaming nightmare only about once a year or so. I still wake up sobbing though. That happens more often. Wracking sobs from the depths of my soul and I can't stop.

 

[LaceySA]

I had a screaming nightmare last night. I'm still pretty messed up. I made it to work today, but every time my husband touches me I panic, even though he is kind and gentle. I can't make decisions. It was a struggle all day not to cry or run. But where would I run? There is no escape.

 

[LaceySA]

Sorry, I keep adding more, but I'm still sitting here thinking about it. I even punched my husband once because I was dreaming that a man had captured me and was going to do god knows what. I was trying to escape and feeling helpless and finally I decided I was going to get away and I swung with all my might. As I did I awoke to myself punching my poor sleeping husband.

 

[Pixielicious]

I

It used to be like that for me too. I would wake up over and over all night every night screaming and n...

Gosh how awful.... I think we are the most vulnerable when we sleep... our subconscious wakes up and the memories escape and become nightmares? :(

 

[hodge]

I kicked my husband once recently when I was having a nightmare. I thought I was just fighting off the guy in my nightmare, but I actually kicked my husband then immediately woke up. I felt so bad, but he knew I couldn't help it and it wasn't hard enough to hurt him.

Prazosin really helped with nightmares for years. Then my psych switched me to clonidine when Prazosin stopped working. I still have nightmares, because I, too, wake up multiple times most nights, but the med saves me from remembering some nightmares at least. It's better than nothing.

 

[Pixielicious]

I tried dating this summer.... But he made my all my PTSD symptoms 10x worst so I dumped his ass.... I Hope someday that I can meet a guy who can just....Hold And comfort me when I wake up like that.... But I feel tainted and that no one could ever understand me or put up with my erratic behaviour... That said... There's always Hope.. :) right?

 

[hodge]

Yep, there's always hope. :-).

 

[LaceySA]

I


Gosh how awful.... I think we are the most vulnerable when we sleep... our subconscious wakes u...

I agree. We are vulnerable and we let go when we sleep. Things that may be suppressed come up. Now that it isn't all the time, I almost like it when I have a bad nightmare. Almost. Just because I go along feeling like all of these feelings aren't real. Like somehow I'm making it up or faking it. Other times I know it's real, but everything is pushed down so deep I can't get to it. I can't feel my own feelings and I want to feel. I don't like to be numb. When the nightmares come, I almost feel like I have a chance to heal a little because the feelings are out in the open. I didn't feel that way at all when It was every night or when it kept me from having friends or being close to anyone. Then I just took comfort in knowing that someday I would die.

 

[LaceySA]

I tried dating this summer.... But he made my all my PTSD 10x worst so I dumped his ass.... I Hope s...

Dating has always made me PTSD 10x worse. I feel tainted too. Like no one worth having would want me. My husband doesn't really understand but he's gentle and he doesn't get scared from it. I struggle in my marriage though. I married the only person that didn't run away from me or hurt me. But he's not a lot of help either. He just doesn't make it worse. He will hold me if he notices me screaming, but he sleeps like a rock. He'll wake me and hold me until I calm down. He tries to help, but he feels so inadequate in general, that dealing with my mental illness is more than he's up for. He usually thinks I'm mad at him when I'm having a flashback. Then he avoids me. Consequently he doesn't even know what's going on. Last night I was laying in the dark on the bathroom floor shaking and crying for I don't even know how long, but he didn't notice because he was too worried that he might have made me mad. He had actually made a harmless comment that reminded me of something the ex husband who abused me used to say.

My husband has been a good friend to me because he listens and I can tell him anything and everything without being judged or rejected. He's a good friend, but not such a great husband. He can't hold a job. He's addicted to video games, and he has very little ambition. I carry all the responsibility and he just avoids life by distracting himself. It's overwhelming for me to pay the bills, raise the kids, keep up the yard, and try to plan a future, when it takes everything I've got every day to move forward, to stay calm, to find joy, and to be a good mom. My husband is very sweet and gentle and kind, but he has no confidence and almost as much anxiety about people as I do. I have never admitted this to anyone, but I honestly feel like this marriage is the best I can hope for because of how I am. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I definitely feel that way.

 

[Pixielicious]

I agree. We are vulnerable and we let go when we sleep. Things that may be suppressed come up. Now that...

That numb feeling when it happens makes me almost... Manic And Irrational.... I feel almost.. Almost invincible? Kinda like, sooooooooo I didn't die when this that happened sooooooooo nothing in this world can hurt me at all....And i feel like taking dangerous risks, crazy ideas come into my head that I can't be hurt more than I have been... So far, I've been able to control these absolutely insane thoughts to see if I can hurt more......Does anyone else get this or have I totally lost all my sanity? :blackeye:

 

[Pixielicious]

Dating has always made me PTSD 10x worse. I feel tainted too. Like no one worth having would want me. M...

For what it's worth, I'm considered 'attractive' and have never had problems getting a date, but I'm extremely wary now and stay indoors all the time (I plan on changing this by dragging my ass to register with a new Dr next week) I think my ideal guy would have to be extremely compassionate and patient and study absolutely everything about PTSD to be able to cope with me. And also cope when I'm menstruating too....I think I should marry a statue... Adonis :laugh::joyful::laugh: he'd cope